San Francisco Sex Information

Q: I am female. My fiance mentioned to me lately that a good source of therapy for my emotional anxieties and for my insomnia would be masturbation. I have no clue on the subject so I have researched it. I know it’s an exploration of yourself and finding what pleases you. I am contemplating getting a toy. I guess what i am asking is I need ideas on good first time toys and tips. And yes I am laughing at myself right now because I sound so clinical about this and I really am not.

A: If you can shop online try some websites like Goodvibes, Babeland, and Blowfish. They are woman friendly and have reviews and explanations of what the goal of the toy is.

The most economical start is probably one of the electric back or spot massager/vibrator types, called wand or coil.

Once you have relieved some stress you can take a step back and try the hands-on approach and learn the best ways to get off without vibrations.

Q: I am female. I have been having intercourse for a fairly short time-the latest being my fourth. Every time, however, I have the same problem–penetration is painful; not unbearable, but certainly not normal or slight. Relaxation or lubrication is not the problem, nor is my partner doing anything to cause this. He is very patient and even offers to stop constantly, and did so the last time because he didn’t want to hurt me. Neither of us have any infections/STDs to cause it. Is this normal? Will it improve with time?

A: Some people may experience pain the first few times they have intercourse. It sounds like you and your partner are doing everything possible to make this a pleasurable experience. Open communication before, during and after sex is crucial to having a good time, finding out what both of you like, and even making improvements. It helps to be relaxed, and you may want to try using a water-based lubricant to aid your own natural lubrication. This may seem unnecessary, but it often makes a huge difference for many people. One thing you may want to try is warming up with fingers or a smaller sex toy. Going from nothing to penis may be a big jump and it might be helpful to start off with something smaller. You also may want to try different positions to see what works best for you- people are different, and not every position is comfortable for everyone. If you try these things and continue to experience pain every time, you may want to see a doctor. Hope this helps.

Q: I have a spanking fetish, and I desperately want to overcome it. I am not entirely sure what the fetish is caused by, but I have always fantasized about it for as long as I can remember - probably since I was about three years old. (Seriously.) I am a self-confident person, but this is my Achilles heel, a secret that makes me feel shameful and repressed.

Of course I want to act upon my desire, but my desire to be wholly normal - and confident in my sexuality, I think - is stronger. I am white, and I’ve noticed that my fetish is really only common in other white people. My boyfriend is not white and not kinky. I love him and I don’t want to make him feel estranged.

Please do not try to reassure me that my fetish is normal or okay. I really want it gone. I would greatly appreciate any advice or insight you can give me.

A: Thank you for your very interesting question. As you have specifically requested, we will not reassure you that your fetish is normal or okay, as it obviously is not for you. We can say that it is very normal not to be comfortable or okay with your fetishes. In fact, a big part of the attraction to most fetishes is that they are taboo in the first place and that adds to the excitement of acting them out.

As a source of information related to sex we are often asked questions about all varieties of fetishes but usually we are asked for resources for the questioner who wants to delve deeper into their particular fetish. In your case there is not much that we can tell you unless you want to learn more about the fetish of spanking to see what it is about this fetish that you find troubling.

If on the other hand you simply want to overcome this fetish that would be a task we would defer to professional counselors or therapist who specialize in CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) or other therapies that are designed to help people overcome behaviors or aspects of their characters they wish to change.

In case you want take this route and would like some referrals we suggest you might try AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) at www.aasect.org.

Q: Today I gave my ipod to a guy I really like. Afterward I realized i had all my porn, all the mtss episodes and in the web browser, and I had your page on anal sex open. I was wondering if you could tell me what boys think of girls who have that stuff on there ipod and whether or not I should ever talk to this guy again.

A: Everybody is different, and it is hard to tell what this particular boy will think, if he even noticed it all. However, this should definitely not discourage you from talking to him or being his friend. Many boys are super impressed with girls who know what they like and are comfortable with seeking it out. It can make things a lot easier for both you and the guy you are with if you already have an idea of what you like. You are definitely entitled to your own sexual preferences, idea, and thoughts, and it is always a good thing to be open and assertive about them. If you find pressure from somebody about what you like, it does not at all mean that you are doing the wrong thing.

Even though this might feel quite embarrassing now, it should not have to impact how you interact with him.

Q: I am having trouble figuring out if I am gay or straight. The last time I dated a girl, I had absolutely no connection between us, and that has been happening for a while when I date girls. I also have feelings for male friends I can’t understand. Please help!

A: Thank you for your question. It is not uncommon for one to question their sexuality at some point. While we cannot tell you whether you are straight or gay, there are a few things you may want to take into consideration.

First of all, sexuality is not black and white. You do not necessarily have to choose between gay or straight. There are other identities, such as bisexual or queer, to consider. Perhaps you have an attraction to boys and girls.

Additionally, you may not have connected with the last girl you dated for several reasons, beyond just your sexuality. The feelings you have for your male friends may be sexual, or they may not be. You may want to try exploring these feelings in order to determine whether they are sexual, or not. Most people experiment with people of both sexes at some point in their lives before they become secure in their sexual identity. Given some time to think about your attractions, it should help you figure out what you would like for now.