San Francisco Sex Information

Q: Hey! I’m very sorry to be wasting your time and I know you probably get thousands of emails about the same questions, but I’ve never really talked or asked someone about this straight out and openly; so when I saw your website I thought it would be a perfect opportunity.

I’m a 20 year old male and I’m very embarrassed about my penis size. It’s about 4.5 inches when erect and I’m afraid that I’m not going to be able to please my wife when we have sex, which will cause her to be majorly disappointed or even wish she’d married someone else. I’m a religious guy and have never had sex before.

I used to visit websites to see if it’s possible to enlarge my penis, and I’ve tried exercises, but your website convinced me that it’s all a big scam. Is it possible for it to keep growing after 20 or any other ways besides surgery? It doesn’t make sense; I’m a big guy so I should be bigger down there!

A: We do get a ton of penis size questions but you’re not wasting our time - this is a common concern for a lot of men. The average penis is 4 - 6 inches; so you’re well within the normal range. You’re correct that there isn’t a way to permanently alter your penis size. Pills, exercises, or penis pumps will not increase the size of the penis. Surgery will make the penis appear larger but will not increase the depth of penetration. And while a small percentage of men do continuing growing after age 18, a significant growth in penis size is extremely unlikely.

That being said, penis size isn’t the only indicator of how pleasurable the sex will be. There are many factors that contribute to a fulfilling sex life, not least among them emotional and relationship satisfaction. Most women find a variety of sexual techniques pleasurable, including oral and manual stimulation. Also, try out different sexual positions. Some, like lifting her legs onto your shoulders while in the missionary position, will allow you to penetrate more deeply. Others, like having her keep her thighs together, will increase her feeling of fullness. Keep in mind that not all women are looking for a man with a big penis; some women find that penetration with a larger penis is uncomfortable, or they may be far more interested in other qualities.

Q: I am in a relationship with someone who is transitioning, M to F, about six months on hormone therapy. This is my first relationship with anyone transgendered, and I find myself not exactly woefully ignorant, but without the resources to deal with this. Is there a support group for the friends/lovers/families of TG’s?

I also need a reliable and detailed source of medical info, about the process and what’s involved. I really love this person, and want to be the best support person I can be. We’ve been talking about the possibility of having a child before its too late. How does estrogen effect sperm? does it lower sperm counts, and more importantly, can getting pregnant while the male partner is taking hormones cause birth defects? What’s the legal gender status of someone who doesn’t fully transition? I mean, say they live full time as a woman, get implants and feminizing surgery, but don’t get the naughty bits removed. If we were to marry while she’s still male, would the marriage still be binding after a full transition?

Are there therapists that specialize in this sort of thing? Any that work for cheap? Can you send me a bunch of referrals? I can get pretty much anywhere in the Bay Area for meetings. Thanks.

A: In the San Francisco Bay Area, there are many groups for transpeople and their loved ones. There is a good list at TransGender San Francisco.

The legal and medical questions would be best directed to professionals in those fields. One good resource for transgender legal support is the Transgender Law and Policy Institute. This site may help you to find the information you are looking for, particularly in their resources section. We found a resource at TSRoadmap which outlines the process of transition, including some of the medical and legal issues. Once again, the legal and medical questions can be answered in even more depth by talking to a lawyer or a doctor who specializes in serving the trans community.

Taking estrogen will produce a very rapid drop in sperm production, so it is recommended that your partner banks some sperm with a local sperm bank before starting to take hormones.

To find a therapist who specializes in these issues, you can go to AASECT or to SFBACCT. Both of these resources list therapists who can help you. New Leaf Services specializes in therapy and support services for the LGBT community. All of these resources will feature therapists who are willing to work on a sliding scale.

Q: My girlfriend and I have decided to have sex and she is going to be on the pill but do I still need to wear a condom? It’ll be the 1st time for both of us. She says a condom will help me last longer. What kind of condom should I use? Should we pick out the condom together or should I surprise her? Can she put the condom on my penis herself because that would be fun!

PS- we’re eagerly awaiting an answer!

A: Using two different forms of birth control, i.e. the pill and condoms together can even further reduce your chance of pregnancy. Either one of these methods, used separately, can be over 95% effective, so combined they are quite effective indeed.

A condom may reduce your sensation a bit and prolong your ability to have intercourse without ejaculating. However keep in mind that as this is your first experience, what’s going on with your brain may be the most important variable. Also, you have not established a baseline to determine how sex works best for you. So it would be good to go easy on yourself and be open to trying a bunch of different approaches to figure out what works best for you and your partner.

There are lots of different condoms to choose from. It’s good to try a whole bunch of different ones to see what you like best. The size and shape of your penis might skew your decision in one way or another. Some of the world’s best-selling condoms are Durex Extra Sensitive and Crown Skinless Skin. Many condom companies give reviews of different condoms and user impressions of different styles so that you can better determine what might work for you. You could try condomdepot or condomwizard.

If your partner would like to help you pick out and put on the condom that could be fun! Just remember when putting on a condom to be careful not to scratch it with your nails, hold the reservoir tip to make sure there’s no air bubble, and make sure you put it on the right way, with the roll on the outside, so you can roll it down easily. If you put in on backwards, you’ll know because it won’t roll down easily, so just get a new condom and try again. She might even try putting it on with her mouth, that’s fun for some folks

Q: I would like to know why it is that they call it a blow job when in reality, you actually suck? I am very curious about how it came to be called the blow job as opposed to the suck job. Please help me out with this.

A: You ask a fine question. It seems that there are several competing theories for the origin of this phrase. The two most convincing explanations we found were the following:

From Ask the Couch:

“This term, now widespread in English-speaking countries, spread from the USA in the 1960s. A puzzling misnomer to many, to blow in this context is probably a euphemism for ejaculate, a usage occasionally recorded in the 1950s. This may itself be influenced by the there she blows of whaling cliche. An alternative and equally plausible derivation of blow job is from the black jazz musicians hip talk expression blow meaning play (an instrument). This term probably caught on in Britain and Australia simply because there was no well-known alternative in existence.(1)”

…and…

From the Maven’s Word of the Day:

“This question has been asked by absolutely everyone I know. And for all the wondering we’ve done about why anyone would give the act of fellatio such a misleading sobriquet, there has been little written about it. There are, however, two well-argued schools of thought.

One explanation ties the phrase to the jazz slang blow meaning ‘to play an instrument’. From there you get the semantic connection of working a tool with some skill, presumably involving the mouth, and there you go.

The second school of thought proposes that the blow in blow job indicates the climax, and is also related to the expression “to blow off steam.” Although the phrase blow job dates only from the 1940s, there is a reference to blowing (someone) off, roughly equivalent to the modern phrase “getting (someone) off,” in David W. Maurer’s 1939 glossary, Prostitutes and Criminal Argots.”

There are many other competing folk etymologies for this phrase, but these at least seemed to ring true to us.