San Francisco Sex Information

Q: I’m embarrassed by the way my vagina looks and I don’t want him to see it. I’m extremely conscious about it and there’s basically nothing I can do. Mine is really saggy looking, the lips are big and baggy and it’s really unattractive. It’s getting ridiculous how I try not to let him see it. What can I do?

A: The short answer is, there’s nothing wrong with your vagina’s lips. “Big and baggy and super hot” is just as accurate and “big and baggy and really unattractive.” In this case, attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. As the beholder, it’s probably easier for you to get excited about how your vagina already looks than it is for you to change it. And the “him” you’re referring to is likely to take your cues as to how great your vagina is - if you think it’s great, he’s likely to agree. We know this whole love-your-vagina thing is easier said than done, but you’re far from the first person with this feeling and you can definitely get through it.

Just so you don’t have to take our word for it, we found some people who’ve put some work into the appearance of the vulva. Here’s what we found:

The Second International Labia Blogathon - thousands of words from many many women about labia. Start at the bottom if you want to read chronologically. It should at least give you some insight into other peoples’ perspectives on labia and the vulva in general.

Femalia by Joani Blank - this is a book of photographs of vulvae and labia. One per page, each a different woman. It can give you a good idea of the variety of vulvae that exist.

Q: I was just wanting to ask how long chlamydia can be left until it is untreatable. How many years after someone is affected by it will treatment not be effective?

A: Chlamydia is something you don’t want to “wait” on. It’s a bacterial infection easily spread from one sexual partner to another. If you have symptoms (discharge, bleeding, painful urination), seek treatment. Often there are no symptoms for up to 3 weeks, or never any at all. It can be diagnosed through a urine or swab test and if positive you’ll receive a treatment. If only one partner is getting treated the other can re-infect and cycle continues. That is why it is imperative that both partners take their entire treatments at the same time!

Even after a very long time of having an infection the treatment will clear it out. It’s never untreatable. However there can be some long term damage. As a man, untreated chlamydial infections can lead to prostatitis (inflammation of the prostate gland), urethral scarring, infertility, or epididymitis (inflammation of the cord-like structure at the back of the testes). There are as many health issues long-term untreated for women with chlamydia than for men, especially issues with their reproductive organs and fertility as a whole.

Q: My wife and I have been having anal sex at least twice a week for the last 10 years (I’m 39). I’m the one receiving. I take a lot of precautions to make sure every thing is clean via anal douching. We have used the same strap on, condoms and generous amounts of silicone based lube. My problem is for the last month there has been trace amounts of blood on the condom when she pulls it out of me. It’s not painful and the orgasms are mind blowing as always. I’m wondering if this could be a prelude to a bigger problem. If not, any suggestions to stopping the bleeding. My wife is becoming apprehensive about this activity as she thinks she’s hurting me. I am a healthy male with virtually no problems in the past. We can’t imagine not having this part of our sex life.

A: You and your wife are already doing most of the things we suggest for good anal play. You probably already know that there’s not really such a thing as too much anal sex, especially the careful way you’re going about it. A small amount of blood (a few smears on toilet paper) after anal sex is something that happens to a fair number of people, even if there is no pain during or after the sex. It’s new in your experience so to narrow things down here are a few suggestions.

• Are you douching with water or the fluid that comes in the commercial douches? We strongly recommend using warm water and not the commercial fluids. You can easily replace the fluid.
• Try using a narrower strap-on and see if that helps.
• Re-visit the basics. Even though you’ve been doing this a long time it might not hurt to review the practice of anal pleasure. We recommend the books The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men by Bill Brent or Anal Pleasure & Health by Jack Morin Ph. D.

As a person ages all their tissues become more fragile. It’s not “all downhill” after 30 but the early 40s is a time of change in hormones and health for many men. If the above suggestions don’t show improvement for you - i.e. the blood keeps happening - it’s time to go see a medical professional. In fact, if you’ve never had a rectal exam or it’s been a few years we strongly suggest visiting the proctologist or get a referral from a general care physician. You may have concerns about telling a doctor about anal sex. Doctors are professionals with practice hearing all sorts of things but they are also people with personal judgments. If they do not treat you or your condition seriously please don’t be discouraged. Your health and your sexual relationship with your wife are the important outcomes.

If it turns out there’s nothing wrong health-wise you may need to talk with your wife about some changes to the routine. Reactions to the blood could be minimized by knowing that it’s just a part of anal sex. Alternately, you could try receiving anal sex once a week for a month and see if that’s enough for you both or adding other activities you both find sexy.

Q: I always knew that my boyfriend watched some type of porn that he didn’t want to tell me about, but last night I was finally able to get him to tell me. He told me that he likes to watch shemale porn and tranny porn. Does this make him gay? I asked him if he was and he said no. I am just having a hard time dealing with the fact right now that he likes seeing a man with a penis doing a woman with a penis. Please explain what is going on! I am very confused as what to do or what to think!

A: Fantasy and fetish are just that - fantasies and fetishes. A tranny porn fetish does not change your boyfriend’s sexual orientation. Lots of folks enjoy all kinds of fantasies and fetishes. It might even enhance your sex life together to incorporate your boyfriend’s fetish into your sex life. On the other hand - if it bothers you, why not just let your boyfriend enjoy his fantasies solo and leave it at that?

Lots of people experiment with various sexual fantasies - but never pursue them in real life. That’s why they are called fantasies. If the porn isn’t affecting your sex life together, why dwell on it?

Followup:

Q: Thank you so much for your insight. He had kind of brought up the idea of me wearing a strap on which I would be fine with. I just wasn’t sure if they were fantasies or if he liked men, Do you have any tips or advice on how to incorporate his fantasies into our sex life? I’m very open sexually and am willing to do just about anything. Thanks again, you really made me feel better.

A: The best tip that we can give you is to talk to him–he knows his fantasies better than anyone! It sounds like he’s already suggested one idea; so if you’re open to it, let him know that. And let him know that you’re interested in other ideas he might have for incorporating this fantasy. You might also talk with with him about ways in which the two of you could make his fantasy hot for you, or combine it with a fantasy of your own. That makes it less like a favor that you’re doing for him, and more something really mutual that you do together.

Since you said that he didn’t want to tell you about his tranny interest at first, it sounds like he might be shy or embarrassed about it. So be ready for the possibility that it might take him a little while to get comfortable talking about it–let alone enacting it. Also, lots of people have some fantasies that they really want to remain just fantasies, or that they just don’t want their partners’ involvement in. So be ready for the possibility that watching tranny porn by himself is exactly how he wants to express this fantasy, and that he might not be interested in exploring it further.