San Francisco Sex Information

Q: My boyfriend and I tried having sex for the first time a while ago, but we experienced some “problems” I don’t think are quite normal. First I guess it would be worthwhile to note that the first couple times we tried he completely lost the erection before anything happened. When we tried again we got further along, but after penetration when I moved my hand away his penis just slid out completely (he wasn’t even pulling out), almost as if there was some force ejecting it from my body. We tried again, but the same thing happened. When I used my hand to guide it in and hold it in place it was alright, but as soon as I moved my hand it slid out again. I’m very frustrated and would like to know what is causing this problem (is it me, him, or both?) and how it can be solved.

A: First you should know what you two are experiencing is completely normal. Many people deal with similar issues, especially when they are first having sex, or are having sex with a new partner.

The good news is that if your boyfriend is able to maintain an erection during other types of stimulation, then there is probably nothing physically wrong. What you are dealing with may just be nervousness, excitement, performance anxiety, or other feelings coming up for you both. It sounds like he may not have been fully hard or the angle may have been difficult. Frustration with the situation may just be making it more difficult.

It may help to try a less goal oriented approach to sex. Find a time when you are both relaxed and get comfortable, and then focus on what feels good without the pressure that you have to have intercourse. Take some time to learn about what he likes, and give him feedback about what you like. For many men the type of stimulation that they get from penis/vagina sex may not feel the same as other types of stimulation i.e masturbation, manual, or oral stimulation. This might be another factor. When you do decide to move on to intercourse it may help to try different positions or angles of approach because some positions provide more or different stimulation.

If your boyfriend is having trouble maintaining an erection from any kind of stimulation, then he should get that checked out by a doctor.

Q: First, a little background. I’m a heterosexual man with TS (better known as a F2M transsexual). I’ve been seeing a heterosexual woman for about 7 months. I’ve had top surgery and am scheduled for bottom surgery next summer to finish the transition. The other day, the woman I’m seeing said that she misses giving fellatio. I don’t really know how to take what she said to me, since she hasn’t ever expressed anydissatisfaction with our love-making. If you were me, what would you make of the situation. I plan on discussing the matter with her this week and could really use some help with communicating in a way that is honest and direct about the situation.

A: We’re going to assume you aren’t attempting to hide your status as FTM (pre-bottom surgery) from your partner.

You’re on the right track by talking to your partner about it. It’s important to know what aspects of fellatio your partner enjoys and/or misses. Some women enjoy the act of fellatio for the psychological aspect (a perceived power exchange dynamic or for a feeling of servicing their partners), others enjoy it for the visual effect, and others enjoy the tactile sense. If you know what your partner is missing, or why she’s missing it, you may be able to work around those issues with a prosthetic such as a “Pack and Play” style dildo or some other dildo that feels to her like a biological penis. Since you’re planning on doing the bottom surgery you might consider this a temporary measure, or, perhaps in addition to other lovemaking play that the two of you engage in, even after you complete your surgery.

Q: I was pretty young when first I had sex. My older friends took me to see some prostitutes. I decided at that time I don’t like sex with prostitutes because I didn’t love the women. I like to have sex with emotional feelings. A couple years later I went with my friends again to some prostitutes. We were drunk. I was unable to get an erection when the prostitute touched me and I got very scared that I am impotent.

After that I had no sex because there was no one I loved. Now I like one girl and when I’m kissing her I have an erection. We haven’t had sex yet but I think it will be soon. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do anything with her. If I have no erection without feelings for a woman is that impotence?

A: It is very possible your lack of erection with the prostitute was caused by being drunk and not feeling attracted to her. If you are able to get erections with a woman you like or are able to masturbate (we don’t think there’s anything wrong with it) then there’s not really any reason to be worried.

It may be helpful to know that most men lose an erection at some point in their life. Sometimes it happens even if they are aroused and love the woman. It’s just a natural occurrence that sometimes it will go soft for no reason and become hard again later. Don’t panic.

Q: My boyfriend likes ball-busting. He does not like any other BDSM. He likes me to kick his testicles very hard or sometimes punch them and likes them squeezed very hard and pulled on. This always causes an erection, even after one kick. I am fine with all this but was wondering about any short-term or long-term side effects this may cause or that he should be aware of. He is a 37 year old healthy male and started this when he was about 18 with varying levels of occurrence but up to several times a week. I was also wondering where I could find out why this desire occurs physiologically. He says he must have some wires crossed with his penis and testicles that causes the intense arousal.

Thank you for any information you can provide. I have tried to search medical journals, medical websites, and the Internet with no luck. Being female I don’t ever see a urologist to ask.

A: Thanks for your questions about ball busting. It sounds as if you and your boyfriend have a pretty good idea of what you’re doing and how to do it safely - if he has been experimenting with it for 18+ years, he clearly knows what he likes! There are no long term side effects of ball busting, though it is possible that fertility might be effected in the short term. As far as short-term “side effects” or injuries, these would be the kind of injuries that you would perceive immediately, and also would need to be dealt with immediately.

The most serious risk is a rupture of the testicle. It will be obvious if this happens as bruising appears under the skin, the area swells, and your partner would become nauseated and in extreme pain. Another rare risk is testicular torsion which describes the condition when the testicle and cords become twisted inside the scrotum. There will be pain and swelling in that case as well. These injuries are usually caused by sudden impacts, impact with pointed objects, or pulling and twisting the area. With any extreme reaction such as swelling, bruising, and pain that don’t recede it is critical to go to the emergency room or risk permanent injury to the area.

It’s common for men to enjoy sensation on their balls. Some like soft touches and some like it harder. Since the area of the balls is generally considered delicate and vulnerable he may just be enjoying the power imbalance and risk. Since he is not into BDSM otherwise it sounds as if maybe it is mostly based in the physical sensation. That doesn’t exclude a psychological element - anticipation of extreme sensation and the extreme vulnerability mentioned above. It’s a blend of physical and psychological intensity that many people find arousing. But certainly it is not a matter of “crossed wires”, more a matter of personal preference.

By the way, the practice is more often called “cock and ball torture” or CBT than ball-busting. You might try looking that up if you have more questions.

We’ll be posting tidbits of information for the greater SFSI community and folks interested in random bits of Sex Information.