San Francisco Sex Information

Q: Hi, my girlfriend has very intense orgasms and when she shakes she  makes me stop doing whatever we are doing, even during intercourse.  It has happened a few times when I was about to ejaculate and it’s hard to stop. What can I do to make her not stop when she starts to shake?  This usually isn’t until she has had 2 or 3 orgasms already.

A: It sounds as if your girlfriend is getting highly sensitized from  having multiple orgasms.  It is fairly common for women to become  highly or overly sensitized as they have multiple orgasms.  Unfortunately there isn’t anything you can do to make her not want to stop if she has become that sensitized.When she has reached this point it may be time to think about other sexual activities that you may be able to enjoy together.  Maybe she would like to be touched in other ways?  Perhaps she would able to stimulate you orally or with her hand?  You may also want to ask her what she needs when she reaches that  point. Only she can let you know if it is time to stop completely or  just try something else for a while.

Q: I am aroused by bondage. I think that it all started when I was a little kid and I would play cops and robbers with my brother, if the cop was captured, he would be placed on a chair and tape gagged until we ‘escaped’. My siblings and I would always play kinky sort of bondage games when we were little, we have never talked about it though, they either have forgotten or are ashamed of what we did, but the desire still is with me.

I am now all grown up an still have a huge desire concerning bondage, primarily concerning duct tape, gags, kidnap-and interrogation-fantasy. I want to get in a relationship concerning this, but I don’t know how to go about doing it. I don’t know how to tell, or if you can, if a woman wants to get involved with mutual sessions of the sort.

Let me be clear, I don’t want to have sex until I am married. Sure bondage has a sexual idea about it but it has a far wider appeal to it than just that. I can’t go to my family about any of this, I’ve probed them and can see that they have no religious tolerance for what I want to do. I am embarrassed to just approach a woman about this either. I have heard of BDSM clubs, but there are none within reach of me.

How do I develop a bondage relationship with a woman? I don’t know what to do or wear to go! Oh, and if it helps, I want to participate as a top and a bottom for the other’s enjoyment as well.

A: You mentioned BDSM clubs, and they can be a great place for someone to learn about BDSM and find other people interested in BDSM relationships. Since we don’t know where you’re e-mailing from we can’t give you more specific information on groups in your area, but try the Society of Janus for clubs near you.

While local communities tend to be the best way to meet people, if you are truly in a remote place then there are online personals for people interested in BSDM. Most websites of this type also have forums and groups for people living in certain areas. Extra care, of course, should be taken when meeting with someone in person if you only know them from the internet. The most popular personals site is bondage.com. When you meet someone from online it’s best to meet for coffee or other public place before getting intimate.

A quick note about terminology - if you’re looking to participate as both a top and a bottom you can be referred to as a “switch”. If you’re looking for a top and bottom female partner then she would also be a “switch”. You can find out a lot of the inside lingo and mores from books such as The Bottoming Book and The Topping Book by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt, or SM 101 by Jay Wiseman.

Q: Do I use one or two fingers to masturbate my female partner? What is the best technique?

A: The best technique is the one that works for your partner the best. Asking your partner what she likes best can be a great way to find this out! Another idea is to experiment and ask for feedback from your partner in the moment about how it feels.

The location of the stimulation can matter as much or more than the number of fingers used. You might want to pay some attention to the clitoris as well as the vaginal opening, or even experiment with finding the G-spot. Some women appreciate extra lubrication, and it’s always a good idea to have some K-Y Jelly or any good water-based lube on hand.

Here is a short Wikipedia entry on female masturbation, you might find it a useful starting point. There are also many books and videos available on female masturbation. One of the most popular is She Comes First: The… Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.

Q: Is it necessary to use or wear a condom while having sex in a hot tub?

A: There are urban myths that having unprotected sex in a hot tub prevents pregnancy and STDs. These are definitely myths. Having sex without condoms can result in pregnancy or an STD regardless whether your in a hot tub or not. The chlorine in the water does not protect you. If possible, have a condom on when you have sex. Know your partner and also ask their “history.” It may help make a better decision on whether to have sex in the hot tub or at all.

Also, hot tubs have a lot of bacteria. Sometimes when women have sex in hot tubs they might develop a urinary tract infection.