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How do I develop a non-sexual bondage relationship with a woman?

Q: I am aroused by bondage. I think that it all started when I was a little kid and I would play cops and robbers with my brother, if the cop was captured, he would be placed on a chair and tape gagged until we ‘escaped’. My siblings and I would always play kinky sort of bondage games when we were little, we have never talked about it though, they either have forgotten or are ashamed of what we did, but the desire still is with me.

I am now all grown up an still have a huge desire concerning bondage, primarily concerning duct tape, gags, kidnap-and interrogation-fantasy. I want to get in a relationship concerning this, but I don’t know how to go about doing it. I don’t know how to tell, or if you can, if a woman wants to get involved with mutual sessions of the sort.

Let me be clear, I don’t want to have sex until I am married. Sure bondage has a sexual idea about it but it has a far wider appeal to it than just that. I can’t go to my family about any of this, I’ve probed them and can see that they have no religious tolerance for what I want to do. I am embarrassed to just approach a woman about this either. I have heard of BDSM clubs, but there are none within reach of me.

How do I develop a bondage relationship with a woman? I don’t know what to do or wear to go! Oh, and if it helps, I want to participate as a top and a bottom for the other’s enjoyment as well.

A: You mentioned BDSM clubs, and they can be a great place for someone to learn about BDSM and find other people interested in BDSM relationships. Since we don’t know where you’re e-mailing from we can’t give you more specific information on groups in your area, but try the Society of Janus for clubs near you.

While local communities tend to be the best way to meet people, if you are truly in a remote place then there are online personals for people interested in BSDM. Most websites of this type also have forums and groups for people living in certain areas. Extra care, of course, should be taken when meeting with someone in person if you only know them from the internet. The most popular personals site is bondage.com. When you meet someone from online it’s best to meet for coffee or other public place before getting intimate.

A quick note about terminology – if you’re looking to participate as both a top and a bottom you can be referred to as a “switch”. If you’re looking for a top and bottom female partner then she would also be a “switch”. You can find out a lot of the inside lingo and mores from books such as The Bottoming Book and The Topping Book by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt, or SM 101 by Jay Wiseman.

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