San Francisco Sex Information

Q: Hi there. I am a 25 year old woman who is struggling with feelings of guilt and shame related to sexual fantasies and masturbation. I am in a relationship with a man who is currently incarcerated so we have been unable to be consummate our love as of yet. I am still a virgin.

The trouble is that I was raised a strict Roman Catholic and taught that sex outside the confines of marriage and procreation, masturbation and even having “lustful” thoughts is a sin. I left the church at the age of fourteen, when I started questioning what I was being taught about the role and status of women, the morality of homosexuality etc. I consider myself a feminist and a skeptical agnostic. I am not even sure that I BELIEVE in god, and I feel that the teachings of the church and the bible are demeaning to women. However, while I may know these things on an intellectual level I can not seem to rid myself of the guilt and shame. I was taught that sex was “dirty” and “sinful” and something that women should only do to please their husbands.

I can not afford to see a sex therapist. Most therapists charge upwards of $100 an hour, and I am on a fixed income and can not afford that. Someday I would like to enjoy a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship with my partner (whether we choose to marry or not) and in the meantime I would like to be able to masturbate, fantasize, watch pornography etc without feeling like a “slut” or a “bad person”. That is another thing I was taught. That men do not respect women who like sex and have had partners before marriage. 

To top it all off, I am bisexual which I discovered at a young age. That is the ultimate “sin” according to the church. Having lustful thoughts or engaging in sexual relations with someone of the same sex. I was diagnosed with a condition called vaginismus when I complained that I experienced excruciating pain whenever I attempted penetration. For example, I was unable to use tampons or have an exam. They gynecologist said there is NO physical problem, and that it is psychological. I have still not confided in my partner about this, because I am ashamed and fear he will think I am less of a woman and may not want me.

How can I learn to be more comfortable with my sexuality? I feel very bitter and resentful towards the people who told me sex was “bad”. Isn’t it natural and normal to have “lustful” thoughts? To want to be intimate with someone that you are attracted to and care about (what difference does it make if we are married or not?) If you have any advice for me, or can recommend any web sites, books etc that deal with this I would appreciate it.
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Q: Can any sexually transmitted diseases–especially Herpes–be transmitted in female ejaculate??

A:Herpes exists at the skin level, in the skin and nerve cells at the surface. The risk when there is no sore is close to zero. When Herpes goes active and creates a sore is the time of most contagiousness. There is also a phase of Herpes called Asymptomatic Shedding where virus cells come out in smaller numbers to the surface of the skin, without making a sore.

So what does this mean for female ejaculate? There is no Herpes virus in the fluid before it comes out. The only way Herpes virus cells would get into the fluid is if it flowed over a sore or picked up some virus from the surface of the skin on its way out. So if the woman has no visible sore then the chance of transmission is low. If you know for a fact she doesn’t have Herpes then the chance is zero.

As for other STDs it’s hard to say. There haven’t been a lot of studies done on the risk of female ejaculate as a carrier. It would be safe to say that if the woman has Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, or Syphilis then getting her fluids onto another person’s genitals, mouth, or throat would be risky. HIV transmission from female fluids is super low, unless she is bleeding in her urine or menstruating AND is also HIV positive.

Q: Well, I’ve been having a problem lately. I’m 18 years old and I’ve had one sexual partner in my life. The problems that I’ve been having involve my erections. I can get fully erect whenever I masturbate or whatnot, but whenever I get with a girl I just cannot get it fully erect. Even when I did have sex with my ex-girlfriend, it was kind of unenjoyable and embarrassing on my behalf because I could not get fully erect.

I started college this fall and I’ve met a pretty great girl. We decided to try to have sex the other night, and those old problems caught up with me again…but it was even worse this time. I could not get erect at all. I was really embarrassed, and I know that she felt like it was her fault so I felt like even worse because of that. But we talked about the situation and everything is okay with me and her and our relationship…I’m just terrified to attempt to try sex with her again for the reason that I might not be able to get hard again.

I’ve read in many places that in my instance it is mainly psychological and I’m suffering anxiety…those both probably ring true. I know I was going through some anxiety the other night! I was just wondering if there are any tips or advice you have for me to get me to calm down and get this problem under control? I just want to have some enjoyable sex!

A: As you say, because you don’t have any problems with erections when you masturbate, it’s likely that what you are experiencing is psychological.It’s possible that with more exposure to sexual situations, you may become more comfortable and no longer experience this issue.Practice sometimes makes perfect, and some guys find that facing their fear in these situations works great.

You might also find that spending some time with your lover naked, getting comfortable, and letting her explore your body in a slow, low-pressure way might be another way to get over it. Take a bath together, light a few candles - what the heck? It’s worth a try! Lots of guys warm up with a little lube or a blowjob. For some, just talking through the feelings as they come up with a lover is enough to move through the block and on to sexual activity. Letting her know that you find her attractive and taking things slow should help.

Finally, you might find that you could use the assistance of a professional counselor to work through whatever is going on for you. If you’d like us to dig up a referral for someone in your area who specializes in these types of issues, let us know! We’d be happy to.