Q: Hi there. I am a 25 year old woman who is struggling with feelings of guilt and shame related to sexual fantasies and masturbation. I am in a relationship with a man who is currently incarcerated so we have been unable to be consummate our love as of yet. I am still a virgin.
The trouble is that I was raised a strict Roman Catholic and taught that sex outside the confines of marriage and procreation, masturbation and even having “lustful” thoughts is a sin. I left the church at the age of fourteen, when I started questioning what I was being taught about the role and status of women, the morality of homosexuality etc. I consider myself a feminist and a skeptical agnostic. I am not even sure that I BELIEVE in god, and I feel that the teachings of the church and the bible are demeaning to women. However, while I may know these things on an intellectual level I can not seem to rid myself of the guilt and shame. I was taught that sex was “dirty” and “sinful” and something that women should only do to please their husbands.
I can not afford to see a sex therapist. Most therapists charge upwards of $100 an hour, and I am on a fixed income and can not afford that. Someday I would like to enjoy a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship with my partner (whether we choose to marry or not) and in the meantime I would like to be able to masturbate, fantasize, watch pornography etc without feeling like a “slut” or a “bad person”. That is another thing I was taught. That men do not respect women who like sex and have had partners before marriage.
To top it all off, I am bisexual which I discovered at a young age. That is the ultimate “sin” according to the church. Having lustful thoughts or engaging in sexual relations with someone of the same sex. I was diagnosed with a condition called vaginismus when I complained that I experienced excruciating pain whenever I attempted penetration. For example, I was unable to use tampons or have an exam. They gynecologist said there is NO physical problem, and that it is psychological. I have still not confided in my partner about this, because I am ashamed and fear he will think I am less of a woman and may not want me.
How can I learn to be more comfortable with my sexuality? I feel very bitter and resentful towards the people who told me sex was “bad”. Isn’t it natural and normal to have “lustful” thoughts? To want to be intimate with someone that you are attracted to and care about (what difference does it make if we are married or not?) If you have any advice for me, or can recommend any web sites, books etc that deal with this I would appreciate it.
A: Thanks for your question. It sounds like you are processing a lot of emotions regarding your sexuality right now. It’s probably going to take some time for you to sort it all out. You say that you can’t afford an expensive therapist right now, but it would certainly be helpful for you to find some therapeutic outlet. You might try looking around for less expensive counseling options. In many areas, you can find therapists/counselors that have sliding scale fees, and many therapists offer group counseling sessions that are less expensive than private therapy. If these options are not available to you, you might try looking for other ways to share with like-minded women – maybe there are local support groups that may help you deal with some of these powerful emotions. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can tell you over email that will make these feelings go away. They are a result of a long personal history, and it will likely take you quite a bit of time and healing to feel more comfortable with your sexuality and move on.
That being said, I can give you a few suggestions for reading material. If it would be helpful for you to learn more about sexuality and things you might be going through, then by all means do it. Since you expressed feeling guilty about having sexual thoughts, it may be helpful for you to check out some basic sexuality books or websites. The Joy of Sex is a classic and offers a healthy view of human sexuality. You may also want to check out Our Bodies, Ourselves: For the New Century printed by the Boston Women’s Health Book Collective. This is a fairly extensive book offering a comprehensive look at the female experience worldwide and may provide you with information, resources, and/or help put topics about sexuality into perspective.
If you are looking for books discussing bisexuality, it may help to read Bi Any Other Name by Loraine Hutchins and Lani Kaahumanu and Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World edited by Robyn Ochs. These are both collections of accounts of bisexuals from various backgrounds. Reading about others that have experienced similar things can be helpful for some people. You also say you have been diagnosed with vaginismus. One thing about vaginismus that’s good to keep in mind is that it’s often correlated with psychological issues, so therapy could definitely be beneficial here. In the meantime, you might want to check out When a Woman’s Body Says No to Sex by Linda Valins.
While this reading material won’t solve the problems, it may help you jumpstart your own processing of emotions. It’s good to keep in mind that others have gone through similar struggles, and there is help to be found.
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