Q: My 14 year-old son has discovered the joy of masturbating (how do I know? He is in the bathroom more than any other room of the house these days). All is normal. But I have found that he is perusing the porn sites on his computer. Taking away his computer does not seem to be the answer, in my mind (but maybe I’m wrong). I have talked with him about healthy sex and the potential harm of porn to men and women.
Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe I am on the right track. I would like your suggestions on how to deal with this subject in this day and age. My instinct is to put a couple of Tantric books around for him to find. Something that shows the integrity and beauty of sex.
I could really use some wisdom that will not preach some odd morals that want to convince my 14 year-old that he should be sexually numb until he reaches 21.
P.S. Also a concern of mine – how much can a mother talk to her son about sex before it gets weird?
A: Most teenage boys are masturbating as often as your son, and yes, all is normal. The fact that he’s looking at Internet porn is also very common, as it is easy to get and free. Many teens and people of all ages watch porn to masturbate, and there is no evidence of a negative effect. Porn plays into the fantasy realm of sexuality, and talking to your son about the realistic (or as you said, healthy) kinds of sex is a good way to communicate that sex in real life often does not replicate porn. Planting Kama Sutra books in places he may find is a great idea, as it might show him a more spiritual variation of sexuality, however, it might not replace his Internet porn use.
You may want to have one more conversation about masturbation with him to let him know the activity is ok and the fantasies are just that. Letting him know that porn is not the standard of how most people engage in sex might calm your fears that porn is going to be harmful to him. If the fear is that he will eventually treat women the way that porn stars are treated you can let him know that nearly everything in porn is planned out and much of it is fake. More conversations than that may become awkward. Do let him know you are available if he has questions. Also, point him at the Scarleteen website for sex information. It’s a good site for teens.
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I know you usually get older people on here, but I am a teenager and I am turning 14 this year & I am a fairly religious person. I have researched whether or not it is bad to masturbate morally & health wise. It is a very common act and there are many urges & changes at my particular age. Even pornography seems like an urge today that over the past few weeks I have said no to my self as well as masturbation. I know the information as I did learn at Sexual Education at school. I understand that this isn’t the worst sin there is to be done or the best. But as a Christian I am definitely going to avoid the urge of sex before marriage but after I first masturbated about 12 months ago now and have had morality stopping me and physical urges making me. Are these acts bad spiritually because I also understand that these acts are debated about a lot and not answered a lot. I just want to ask if its physically and more importantly morally acceptable to masturbate & even look at porn at an age where puberty is starting to show it’s effects.
Hi Daniel,
We can tell you that neither masturbation nor porn will hurt you physically. It’s been thoroughly studied, and no one’s managed to show a connection between masturbation or porn and any kind of harmful effects. Most people masturbate, and many people look at porn–and those who do seem to be doing just as well as those who don’t.
Whether or not either one is morally acceptable is a question we can’t answer for you. You’ll have to decide that for yourself.
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