San Francisco Sex Information

Q: I have a question about “normal” sex fantasies. I am married happily (10 years). During that time I have had the recurring fantasy during sex and masturbation about watching my wife have sex with another man. Variety of places, positions, etc, and no one specific. I have told her about this and she wondered why. I don’t know what to tell her, but we did get the Ethical Slut book for more info about this sort of stuff. My first question is why do I want this to happen? During sex we talk about this and it gets hot, but why?

Recently my wife met a guy that she is apparently attracted to. She told me that if she were to fuck someone in front of me, it would be him. Is this just cheating on her part? Can couples have this sort of relationship (I am not interested in having other women)? Is there a name for this? If we go ahead and she does make love with this other guy, are there any ways to deal with jealousy that may pop up?

A: Many people enjoy bringing another person into their relationship for a variety of reasons. It’s definitely best to be honest about your feelings on the subject together and work out some agreements around how this might happen for you. A discussion of capabilities, fantasies, and boundaries along the lines of what is suggested in The Ethical Slut would be a great idea!

Like you, some folks start out initially only wanting sex, and then this may or may not develop into an emotional connection. The danger here of course, is that while you, for example, may want it to remain purely sexual, your wife may develop feelings for her friend, and this difference in desires could cause tension in your marriage.

As for the reasons behind your fantasy, there are some theories from evolutionary psychology and human anthropology which suggest that perceived competition increases desire amongst both men and women. For example, sperm count increases dramatically for men who are away from their spouse for a few days.

While many married couples find it fun to play with this dynamic with another man, the risk is of course that the play may turn into a very real competition over your wife. It might be best to seek out men who have had successful experiences as “secondary” partners and are specifically not interested in challenging the primacy of your marriage.

Some couples find that after developing a sexual relationship with a third partner, they develop feeling for this person and move into wanting to incorporate this third person into their lives in a more comprehensive way. Others prefer to keep it in the purely sexual realm. Time and experience will reveal what the three of you truly desire together.

Be prepared to shop around for the right guy. As with any kind of dating, you might have to interview or even date several potential partners before finding the right fit.

For a discussion of topics such as these, especially regarding your question about handling jealousy in polyamorous relationships, you might go looking for a community locally or online. There are many Polyamory resources to be found on the Internet.