Q: I am 22 and ever since the first time I had sex I have been bad. Well, I suppose you could say I ejaculate prematurely. It is extremely premature however. We are talking before my pants come off. I don’t know how to stop it. I try to practice when I masturbate but I can never hold it for long. And then when I am with a girl it is just intensified. If I am pleasing her it is as if I can feel her pleasure and sexual energy and I lose control. I am so embarrassed by it that I usually don’t tell her. Sometimes I can get hard again and then I’ll have some success, but the more I like the girl the less success I usually have, which let me tell you, really sucks.
When I was much younger, around 8, a friend and I…played with each other, orally. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or not, making my nerves supersensitive. This habit of mine however seriously impairs my ability to have a relationship. I have never been able to make a girl come from intercourse. I don’t see how I can have a healthy sexual relationship when I come so quickly. Sometimes I can go 3 or 4 times in a row, but by then it has lost most of its luster, and regardless, this only really happens after I get to know the girl. Do you have any suggestions? I feel like this is both a physical and psychological problem.
A: Our frequent questions page has good information on some techniques to try. One easy technique is to masturbate before you see your partner so the pressure is off. It also recommends a book with more thorough information and advice.
Regarding the second half of your question, most children play sex games, it is quite normal to have had some experience of that kind. It would not affect you physically, but anxiety about it (or about anything) could affect your ability to maintain an erection or to keep from coming.
And regarding making a girl come from intercourse, many women do not orgasm from intercourse at all, but only from clitoral stimulation. If you are concerned about making your partner come there are many other ways to do so – for example try oral sex or stimulating her with your hand or a toy. The best thing to do is ask your partner what she likes and try other things besides intercourse. This may end up taking the pressure off you and relieve some of your concern about being a good sexual partner.
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