Q: I’d like to know more about certain aspects of BDSM. What is a “silent alarm”? How do I know what I like and don’t like? How can I discuss it with a dominant man? Thanks.
A: A “silent alarm” is a system you put in place to have a trusted friend or somebody else in the BDSM community acting as your back up safety person when you are playing or in a scene, especially when you are playing with new people. Sometimes it’s also called a “safe call”. This silent alarm person would know who you will be with, where you are going, and what your basic plans will be. Sometimes, plans are made to have you check in with your “silent alarm,” or have them call you, and they may call the police or investigate further if you do not call or answer the phone at the pre-decided time. Other times, this person will respond only if you call and ask for help.
An important way to ensure your safety and comfort when engaging in BDSM play is to have a safe word. This word will communicate to your partner what your degree of comfort or discomfort is with what you are doing. It helps to pick a word or words that you do not use regularly so that you don’t accidentally blurt them out and cause confusion. The colors of the stop light are a good place to start: Green means keep going, yellow means use a little caution, and red means stop.
The only real way to know if you like or dislike something is to try it. We recommend starting very slowly with activities you think you might enjoy, and paying very close attention to how you respond to them. If you think you won’t like something, it is always OK to say no, although there may be times where you will surprise yourself and enjoy a activity you were initially turned off by. If you do a little searching online, there are several comprehensive lists of BDSM activities. Many people engaging in BDSM play like to sit down with their partner with a list of activities and discuss the things they might enjoy, or the things they are not interested in trying. You can also sit down before looking at one of those lists and write up the activities you think you would or would not want to try.
When talking to a person you are going to play with, it is important to be open, honest, and clear about what you want and don’t want. While it might be a top’s goal to help you find new levels of pleasure and experience, it is always your right to set boundaries and expectations of what will happen.
You can find an example of an activities list and of a negotiation try Leather and Roses.
For more information about BDSM basics, you can review our website or try the Society of Janus website, or sexuality.org.
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