San Francisco Sex Information

Q: I like to watch porn. Not most of it (I’m pretty picky) and not obsessively. As you can see I feel the need to defend my porn watching even to you! I do get decent doses of smut and I’m happy with that. My question is, does consistent porn consumption lead to the need for progressively more hardcore/shocking stuff? I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this theory supported in main stream media and my first instinct is to be skeptical, but you know, I have no data either way so I’m not really sure. What prompted this was my visit to Kink.com’s new site PublicDisgrace.com. I liked what I saw, but then my nervous worrier side took over and made me wonder whether this wasn’t a bad sign for how my porn habits might be trending.

A: There is no proof of an increase need for shock or hardcore porn with continued viewing. It is true that some people enjoy a new angle or theme to their porn over time. However, many people keep watching the same basic stuff over and over and never look for something different. It really is a matter of personal preference. We can’t say if you are in a trend. You may have finally found your ideal porn and be happy watching the PublicDisgrace.com stuff as it comes out. Only you can know for sure.

What does your worrier side worry about, specifically? That you have a porn addiction? That you will have a desire to act out fantasies in real life? If you feel that it is actually becoming a problem for you we suggest seeing a sex therapist. Please email us for references or if you have more questions about this topic. But if your concern is that porn viewing is a “slippery-slope” towards hardcore kink you can stop worrying.

Q: I visited your website and found it useful for me. I am male and want to know the answers of the following questions:

1. My girlfriend was very hot in the beginning but now her desire for sex is almost finished. A year ago when I sucked her nipple she moaned and lift her legs and became so hot, but now she does not like nipple sucking or pussy licking. How I can improve the situation?

2. She had a “traditional smell” in her vagina in the beginning when we met but now her vagina is without any kind of smell. Can she get back that smell?

A: It sounds as though your girlfriend is experiencing a low point in her libido, or sexual excitability. This could explain the change in her vaginal odor as well. There are many possible reasons for a lack of sexual arousal:

For example, she may have a medical condition, so she might definitely want to consider ruling this out with a visit to her medical doctor.

Or she may be experiencing some sort of psychological condition affecting her libido. A licensed psychotherapist who has developed a scope of practice which includes sexual issues would be a good person to consult. Depression can greatly reduce a person’s interest in sex. Feeling stressed out could also be a cause.

One common common reason for a lack of interest in sex is that she has become a bit bored. You might want to ask her about this - for example, if there is anything in particular that she desires now in your sex play to spice things up? Many people find that by changing positions, including more or less talking or vocalization during sex, trying out role playing, costumes, or other fantasies they are able to rekindle their passions.

It’s quite normal for couples to go through a “honeymoon period” of six months to two years where the sex is hot, and then sex often declines in frequency and intensity as the relationship begins to settle into a more comfortable long-term pattern.

Q: Can you tell me why single male swingers often get the boot by most swingers including couples and even many single women? Is it a personal security issue? I noticed that most swingers who are couples, women, and men alike prefer only women and couples. Most of their ads say single men need not apply.

A: The reason why single male swingers are given the boot is because many men are inappropriate when addressing either a couple or mostly women. In order to keep the “creep” factor out of the swingers scene, hosts often deny access to men not accompanied by a female partner. If you are someone who is very responsible and can adhere to the rules of swinger parties, it might work if you put an ad like Craigslist and look for a woman or couple who would be willing to have you join them for the evening. It helps to have folks vouch for your good nature and well-behaved manners, and perhaps then if you become a regular, the host might allow you to attend parties so long as you don’t do anything inappropriate.

Tune in to KALX 90.7 Thursday Oct. 16 from 9-9:30 a.m. to hear SFSI on the radio! Two SFSI trainers will be featured on North Gate Radio, speaking with Sierra Filucci. They will be discussing Sexual Taboos - a topic taught in the renown SFSI Sex Educator Trainings.

If you miss the live broadcast, you can still catch it Online at North Gate Radio.

Q: I’m a heterosexual male who is turned on by women, whether looking at them or fooling around. While I don’t feel any attraction whatsoever to men I do get a rush (and an erection) when getting a massage from a male practitioner. In fact, I took this one step further and responded to an ad posted by someone offering free massages to straight men. The act of undressing and knowing I’m being admired by someone else, even a gay man, turns me on. Throughout the experience I’ve experienced no desire to touch the man or take it any further. It’s simply the rush of exhibitionism and being admired/wanted.

And the desire comes intermittently every few weeks, and I’ll act on it and then feel like crap afterwards. I’m confused by the whole thing. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated greatly.

A: We can’t quite tell from your message which issue is distressing to you but there are many reasons why you might feel confused by the experiences you described. Concern about being gay or bisexual, fear of getting caught, judgment by others, or perhaps religious conflict are just a few.

Keep in mind that there are many people who enjoy getting attention from people of all genders and it does not necessarily have anything to do with their sexual orientation. Since you do not find yourself attracted to men in general, you are probably not gay but human sexuality is a very wide continuum and you may be bisexual. The desire to be admired and wanted and getting turned on by it is not uncommon and can be very enjoyable as long as it is mutually consensual. If you are interested in exhibitionism, we recommend the book, Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen.

If this is something that you continue to be concerned about, you might consider talking to a counselor. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists is a good resource.