Q: My new partner is in his 70s and has had prostate surgery. He can come, but just barely, and dry.
He always was easy to turn on, and so never dealt with pleasing a woman when he wasn’t. Now he’s with me and I’m still, in my late 60s, substantially sexual. He’s thinking about whether he can get into pleasing me when he’s not aroused. I’m wondering what your advice is on this and I look forward to hearing from you. I am concerned that he will leave me hanging when I’ve got miles left to go my thinking is that each of us, whatever our capacity, should be filled up by the time we quit, but I don’t want to have to pull him to get what I need.
A: First we recommend you talk to him about your needs and your desire for him to participate in fulfilling your needs. People participate in partner sex for many reasons. Some people just want to get their own needs met and may not have previous partners request more. You may want to suggest he works on getting you off before you do anything to get him off. You may tell him all the things you will do to him right after you get off. Many men get excited by hearing dirty talk, but still need direct stimulation for orgasm. If you engaged in vaginal/penis sex you may experiment with different positions. Rear entry while on the side on a spooning position frees one of his hands to provide direct stimulation to your clit. You may also want to consider bringing a vibrator into your play together. Many women find that they can get off faster with a vibrator thus matching his need for shorter play. You may ask him to use the vibrator on you. If he is still reluctant, you two may want to considered couples counseling.
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