Q: I am a woman with a question I don’t exactly know how to phrase. It has to do with what excites me, sexually. It doesn’t have to do with typical bondage/S&M type fetishes, which I have explored actively throughout my life and have come to accept as not inherently bad for me. This interest it seems, however, has just been a cover up for what I’m really interested in. I’ve had rape fantasies for a long time, which I have read is relatively common for women, so I never worried about it. I very much enjoy rape themed porn, the more believable and realistic, the better. What disturbs me, however, is the fact that I do not enjoy it from the submissive, women’s perspective, but from that of the male rapist. I find that I enjoy the objectification of women and imagine myself in the male’s role.
What I’m actually getting at is how this has evolved to more deeply disturbing sexual fantasies involving the violent deaths of women. After watching particularly violent, gory movies I feel very stimulated and usually masturbate. I have such fantasies on many nights. Now, I’d like to make it clear that I would never, ever hurt anyone, I can’t even kill bugs without a guilty conscious. No part of me wants to commit any of these acts in reality, but I get way too sexually excited thinking about it. I know that fantasies are just fantasies and most of what I’ve read tells me there’s no such thing as sexually “normal”, but I can’t help feeling this is wrong. It’s distressing to have these thoughts and it is to the point where I can’t just dismiss them by thinking about something else. It doesn’t interfere with my daily life, just haunts me anytime I’m alone with my thoughts.
I guess my actual question is… should I seek help, such as therapy? Is it ok just to fantasize about such bad things?
A: Your anxiety is understandable–having fantasies about acts that would horrify you in real life can be seriously disturbing. But it’s also not uncommon. For some people, the wrongness of the fantasy is a big part of what makes it so hot in the first place. From what you write, it’s clear that you have a solid understanding of the difference between fantasy and reality. You don’t seem at all worried that you might ever act out the acts you fantasize about, and you don’t seem to feel dissatisfied with keeping them in the realm of fantasy.
We can’t tell you what you should do–that’s your decision to make. We can say that talk therapy might be helpful in either diffusing the power of the fantasies or easing your distress over having them. But many people in similar situations also just go on having and enjoying violent fantasies without that ever becoming a problem for them.
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