Q: I am a 57 year old female, straight, and have had MS for the last 3 years. I left a long-term relationship a few years ago because it wasn’t going to be able to weather the MS. He wasn’t the right partner to be with once I had a serious, chronic illness. It scared him and made him angry and desperate.
I have a particular set of symptoms that make me feel hopeless about ever having a partner again because of how this will interfere with sexual intimacy. I want to talk to someone who can reassure me and tell me I’m wrong. Maybe this someone knows solutions I haven’t heard about yet. I am doing some treatment at Kaiser, but I’m not making much progress.
I’ve tried to talk to conventional therapists, but they don’t have much to say or much real knowledge. Do you know someone who I can discuss this with?
A: We’re sorry to hear that you’re having to struggle with MS and that it’s put such strain on your intimacy. Chronic illnesses of all sorts can impose tremendous difficulties on people’s sex lives–whether directly due to symptoms or from the stress, fatigue and preoccupation that tend to come with the territory. It is possible to continue to have a hot and fulfilling sex life while dealing with chronic illness though, and some people do so successfully. Some of the common keys to success are self-knowledge, working around limitations, and self-advocacy.
Self-knowledge means learning what your body can and cannot do, which just has to be a process of trial and error along with thoughtful observation. Working around limitations means using that knowledge to create relationships and kinds of intimacy that work for you and your body. And self-advocacy means being ready to speak up for your needs with partners and potential partners and seek out partners who will meet them. In conditions like MS that tend to have “good days” and “bad days”, this might look like making clear to a potential partner that you might sometimes have to cancel or modify dates on short notice, and choosing partners who will be sympathetic and supportive of that.
Since you’ve found general therapists not to have the expertise to talk about your situation, you might try looking into MS support groups, where the people you were working with could be expected to know about the disease. You could also try some broader searching online for “chronic illness” or even “intimacy and disability” which might lead to resources from people dealing with similar issues. Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, the National Multiple Sclerosis Society has a pamphlet on their website devoted to MS and intimacy. You may also try the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists to find someone who will be able to talk comfortably about sexual issues.
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