Q: How can I help my boyfriend give me better oral sex? He tries pretty hard to get me off, although not quite as often as I would like. It is difficult thought, because it takes me so long to orgasm and his lengthy efforts so often leave both of us frustrated that I would rather just let him fuck me and get it over with.
It’s not fair. It is so easy for him to cum and he gets to do it so often. It is hard not to feel some resentment towards him even though he really does try. He says he enjoys eating me out, and I believe him, but sometimes he is just not good at it. It doesn’t feel like he is in sync with me or my needs. We have talked about it quite a bit, and I even bought a book for him and underlined stuff that I agreed with or found helpful.
It is hard to talk about it thought. I try to communicate what i want, but in the heat of the moment it feels impossible to find words to describe what I need. When I do find the words, he seems to either just not get it, or he does exactly what I say to such extremes that it ends up not feeling good because you can’t just do the one thing to get me off. And then he gets frustrated because he is doing what I say and it still isn’t working.
A: It sounds like you have tried several of the things that we recommend when we hear this problem, but I will reiterate that communication is key to any successful sexual relationship. It might be helpful to talk him through the whole experience of oral sex. Or you could try to introduce a vibrator into your sex life. One thing to ask is whether you have ever enjoyed oral sex as much as you might want to with any other partner? If not, maybe oral sex is just not something that you are really into and you could try other types of stimulation to reach orgasm. Also, have you tried masturbating to see what you really enjoy and what you don’t? If you are comfortable with it, you could let your boyfriend watch you while you pleasure yourself so that he can see what your technique is and try to apply that the next time he gives you oral sex. Sometimes when you try to force an orgasm to happen, it can make it that much harder to actually cum, so try to relax and enjoy the ride, so to speak. If things get frustrating, it might be helpful to take a break and come back to it later.
There is are also video guides that you could try. We found one called:
“Nina Hartley’s Guide to Better Cunnilingus”
Also, here are some books that I can suggest if you would like more information:
“She Comes First” by Ian Kerner
“The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus” by Violet Blue
“Box Lunch: The Layperson’s Guide to Cunnilingus” by Diana Cage