Q: My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We’re happy but the sex has gone from hot to not, and infrequent. I am trying to help rekindle something hot again. Here’s the thing: I have a friend and colleague, FriendX, that my wife is infatuated with. He’s a tall fit gentleman that most women would find him attractive probably. Over the past year and a half or so she’s become more open about her attraction to him. Always asks about his sex life/dating. Always flirting with him, even subtly flashing him when shes “drunk.” More recently she’s told me about her frequent fantasies about sleeping with him. Usually when we’re having sex now she brings up different scenarios: Riding him as I watch and masturbate. Or blowing me while he does her from behind. Stuff like that. Normally when she tells me this stuff she gets really into what we’re doing, and she ‘s gotten really specific and graphic about wanting to include him in our sex lives. At first I was jealous, but then I thought “If it turns her on, it can’t be that wrong.”
So here’s where I took a leap. I told FriendX about this sexual attraction she has for him. He was pretty shocked, but was cool with the situation. We talked about whether a relationship could just be sex, and how she and I are happy as a couple. We broached the subject of setting something up in the near future, something along the lines of a surprise for my wife. Next weekend is her birthday. I was thinking about greeting her at the door with him next Friday night. Maybe telling her that he knows everything, etc and we should live out her fantasy. What do you think about this? Should I do this? Any suggestions about how to do this? What should I do if they start screwing around–its not like husbands hang out while their wives are having sex with their friend? And lastly is this/me/her normal???
A: First off, we really wouldn’t recommend springing this on your wife as a surprise. That might work out well, but it might also be extremely awkward. The two of you have talked about her attraction to FriendX as a fantasy, but very often there are differences between what people enjoy fantasizing about and what they actually want to do in real life. Also, fantasies tend to leave out a lot of the dull but important details. What kind of activities are okay and what’s out of bounds? What kind of protection will everyone be using against STDs or pregnancy? Who will be playing with who? If either of you gets uncomfortable or just isn’t having fun, do you have the right to call a stop and ask him to leave, even if the other partner is still into it? Will it be a one-time thing or ongoing? If it’s going to be ongoing, will it always be all three of you together, or would it be okay for her to have sex with him without you? Is this just about FriendX, or are you interested in opening your marriage in other ways–like you having other partners as well?
It would be useful to have a serious, explicit conversation with your wife to answer questions like these with the clear understanding that you’re talking about actually doing it–not just talking dirty while the two of you have sex.
That would be the best way to get your question about how you’re going to participate answered as well. There’s no right or wrong answer. Some husbands do hang out, or hang out and masturbate, while their wives have sex with other men. Some couples have threesomes where everyone participates. Some couples have open relationships where one partner might have sex with a third party while the other partner just goes and does something else. What’s important is that the arrangement be agreeable to everyone involved.
And as for your last question, there is a substantial minority of married couples who include some kind of consensual extramarital sex in their relationship. The Janus Report, which was a survey of sexual behavior done in the early nineties, concluded that around 10% of people in their first marriages had had threesomes. And as I talked about above, a threesome is only one style of extramarital sex. So maybe that number is under-counting. The exact percentage probably isn’t important: the point is that you’d be far from the only couple to have included a third party in your sex life.
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