A: There are STDs one can contract from activities that some may not automatically classify as sex, such as oral sex or rubbing your genitals on someone elses. Though it is very possible that it is not an STD, it is not possible to diagnose over the internet. Whenever anything is causing recurring discomfort or pain, the best course of action is to see a doctor. While the possibility of being diagnosed with an STD can be intimidating, the long term effects of having an undiagnosed STD can be a much worse experience. Many STDs are easily treated if caught early. If gone untreated, some STDs can have long term and even permanent effects.

It is possible that it is something other than an STD. It could be a Urinary Tract Infections, or even an allergy to a soap. It is best to let a doctor diagnose this. If it is a UTI or another type of infection, the doctor can help you with prescription anti-biotics.

If it is not a subject you feel comfortable discussing with your current physician, or you do not have one, we will be happy to help you locate an appropriate clinic in your area.

A: HPV can be effectively passed through any genital-to-genital contact, or sometimes through oral-genital contact. So, yes, it can easily pass between females.

A couple other things to think about:

1. HPV is sneaky. It’s possible to have it for years, lying dormant, and have it flare up later. The pap doesn’t test for the presence of HPV directly, but rather for abnormal cells present on the cervix. It’s entirely possible that she had an HPV infection at the time of her earlier pap, but it just hadn’t yet affected her cervix.

2. HPV found on the cervix (where a pap smear would find it) isn’t generally treated by medicine. Did they specifically say that she’d tested positive for HPV, or just that she should take some medicine for it? I wonder if what she’s getting is actually Gardasil–which is an HPV vaccine rather than a treatment and would administered before someone actually caught the virus. If that’s what it was, it’d be a series of three shots spaced out over several months. You may want to follow up and find out what she is being treated with and for.

We’ve discussed restraints in the past, just kind of flirting with naughtiness, and I mentioned a few things like using a strap-on and tying him up and he seems very VERY interested. I am not an experienced Domme, and while I don’t always think along those lines, I am a pretty kinky gal, and it would give me a great deal of pleasure to do damned near anything to please this man.

I am concerned that restraining and flogging him or blindfolding him may remind him of horrors he has really faced. He tells me he wants these kinds of things and he’s strong as an ox, but I am concerned about his psyche. Are there articles I can read about topping a combat vet?

Life begins at 50! I just don’t want a new chapter to slam on my Sweetheart.

A: We’ve looked, but we can’t find any resources specifically about topping a combat vet. However we do have some ideas.

First, there is a significant chance that topping him will not trigger him. It’s still probably worth planning for, but you may never actually have to deal with it. Before doing anything that you’re afraid might be triggering, you and your partner may want to create a trigger plan. The best resource we’ve found about how to do this is geared towards adult woman survivors of childhood sexual abuse (The Survivor’s Guide to Sex, by Staci Haines) but we think some of it can be applied to your situation. The basic idea is to develop a plan with your partner of what both of you are going to do in the event of a trigger. How might he behave? How will you recognize it? What can you do to help him? How can you take care of yourself? What can he do in the moment to bring himself back to the present? This will likely be a longish conversation, and you may never need it, but if you do you’ll be glad to know what to do. Has he ever been triggered by anything before? How does he behave? If there’s any chance he’ll get violent, that’s definitely something you’ll need to address, whether by tying him up extra well or arranging another outlet for him or both. Also, since you can’t foresee everything, an important part of any trigger pan is how you’ll communicate in the moment. Will he be verbal? Will he be gagged? Will that be a problem for him? What will he need from you?

Another resource we can recommend is The Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. It’s geared towards the BDSM community, not specifically veterans, but it has a lot of great information about topping.

The other big piece of advice we have is don’t skip the aftercare. Aftercare is great to have as part of any BDSM experience, but it’s essential if you’re at all concerned about your bottom’s psyche. A good snuggly check in immediately afterwards and some explicit debriefing within a day or two will do several things. First, it will help make sure his experience is a positive one. It will also keep you informed as to how things are going for him, so you’ll have all the information you need to be the best top possible.

A: Studies done on the subject put the average condom breakage rate at about 2% and user error accounts for most broken condoms rather that faulty condom construction.

It sounds like you are putting your condoms on correctly. We’re assuming that you don’t have sharp nails or somehow rip the condom (like opening the package with your teeth), but that could be a reason for breakage. Condom breakage could be due to several things, including the reason you mentioned. So, a few big questions to consider include:

Are you using a water based lubricant?
How much time are you doing active penetration/vigorous thrusting with a condom?
Where are you storing your condoms?
How old are your condoms?
How are you opening your condoms?

Family Health International has an interesting article on breakage and slippage of male condoms.

It could be that you’re not using enough lube or that you are using the wrong kind of lubrication. For instance, if you are using a latex condom with an oil-based lubricant, that will definitely break down the latex of the condom. There is a great website you could visit for all things condom; it’s www.condomania.com (and they also have a size guide there). Notice also that when you click on Lubes at the Condomania site, they don’t even have a listing for oil-based lubricants. That’s because oil breaks down latex.

There could be other reasons for the breakage including that you don’t have the right size condom for you, or the expiration date for the condom has passed, or the condom has been exposed to heat.

These classes do not necessarily fulfill Continuing Education requirements for professional societies. If a class counts as professional development hours for a particular profession (ie. nurses, therapists or teachers) it will be noted in the class description.

Check out the upcoming classes on our Continuing Education page.

Next Class: Annual STD Update, with Yvonne Piper
Presenter : Yvonne Piper
Date : Monday, February 15th
Time : Doors open at 6:30, class from 7:00 to 8:00
Venue : Women’s Building, 3543 18th St. San Francisco

Buy Tickets!

It’s not fair. It is so easy for him to cum and he gets to do it so often. It is hard not to feel some resentment towards him even though he really does try. He says he enjoys eating me out, and I believe him, but sometimes he is just not good at it. It doesn’t feel like he is in sync with me or my needs. We have talked about it quite a bit, and I even bought a book for him and underlined stuff that I agreed with or found helpful.

It is hard to talk about it thought. I try to communicate what i want, but in the heat of the moment it feels impossible to find words to describe what I need. When I do find the words, he seems to either just not get it, or he does exactly what I say to such extremes that it ends up not feeling good because you can’t just do the one thing to get me off. And then he gets frustrated because he is doing what I say and it still isn’t working.

A: It sounds like you have tried several of the things that we recommend when we hear this problem, but I will reiterate that communication is key to any successful sexual relationship. It might be helpful to talk him through the whole experience of oral sex. Or you could try to introduce a vibrator into your sex life. One thing to ask is whether you have ever enjoyed oral sex as much as you might want to with any other partner? If not, maybe oral sex is just not something that you are really into and you could try other types of stimulation to reach orgasm. Also, have you tried masturbating to see what you really enjoy and what you don’t? If you are comfortable with it, you could let your boyfriend watch you while you pleasure yourself so that he can see what your technique is and try to apply that the next time he gives you oral sex. Sometimes when you try to force an orgasm to happen, it can make it that much harder to actually cum, so try to relax and enjoy the ride, so to speak. If things get frustrating, it might be helpful to take a break and come back to it later.

Here are some websites that you and your boyfriend can refer to:
sexuality.org
sexhealthguru.com

There is are also video guides that you could try. We found one called:
“Nina Hartley’s Guide to Better Cunnilingus”

Also, here are some books that I can suggest if you would like more information:
“She Comes First” by Ian Kerner
“The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus” by Violet Blue
“Box Lunch: The Layperson’s Guide to Cunnilingus” by Diana Cage

I have a particular set of symptoms that make me feel hopeless about ever having a partner again because of how this will interfere with sexual intimacy. I want to talk to someone who can reassure me and tell me I’m wrong. Maybe this someone knows solutions I haven’t heard about yet. I am doing some treatment at Kaiser, but I’m not making much progress.

I’ve tried to talk to conventional therapists, but they don’t have much to say or much real knowledge. Do you know someone who I can discuss this with?

A: We’re sorry to hear that you’re having to struggle with MS and that it’s put such strain on your intimacy. Chronic illnesses of all sorts can impose tremendous difficulties on people’s sex lives–whether directly due to symptoms or from the stress, fatigue and preoccupation that tend to come with the territory. It is possible to continue to have a hot and fulfilling sex life while dealing with chronic illness though, and some people do so successfully. Some of the common keys to success are self-knowledge, working around limitations, and self-advocacy.

Self-knowledge means learning what your body can and cannot do, which just has to be a process of trial and error along with thoughtful observation. Working around limitations means using that knowledge to create relationships and kinds of intimacy that work for you and your body. And self-advocacy means being ready to speak up for your needs with partners and potential partners and seek out partners who will meet them. In conditions like MS that tend to have “good days” and “bad days”, this might look like making clear to a potential partner that you might sometimes have to cancel or modify dates on short notice, and choosing partners who will be sympathetic and supportive of that.

Since you’ve found general therapists not to have the expertise to talk about your situation, you might try looking into MS support groups, where the people you were working with could be expected to know about the disease. You could also try some broader searching online for “chronic illness” or even “intimacy and disability” which might lead to resources from people dealing with similar issues. Also, if you haven’t seen it yet, the National Multiple Sclerosis Society has a pamphlet on their website devoted to MS and intimacy. You may also try the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists to find someone who will be able to talk comfortably about sexual issues.

A: The quick answer, according to the web site www.virtualtourist.com, is that sex toys are prohibited by the Saudi Arabian government and you will not be allowed to bring them into the country along with alcohol, pork, adult movies, or statues of animal or human form.

In general, traveling by airplane with sex toys may be problematic at best and will often add complications to your trip. For a more detailed report on this issue you can check out this article by Violet Blue in the SFGate.

Another good reference for travel to Saudi Arabia in general, can be found at the US State Department’s web site.

What I’m actually getting at is how this has evolved to more deeply disturbing sexual fantasies involving the violent deaths of women. After watching particularly violent, gory movies I feel very stimulated and usually masturbate. I have such fantasies on many nights. Now, I’d like to make it clear that I would never, ever hurt anyone, I can’t even kill bugs without a guilty conscious. No part of me wants to commit any of these acts in reality, but I get way too sexually excited thinking about it. I know that fantasies are just fantasies and most of what I’ve read tells me there’s no such thing as sexually “normal”, but I can’t help feeling this is wrong. It’s distressing to have these thoughts and it is to the point where I can’t just dismiss them by thinking about something else. It doesn’t interfere with my daily life, just haunts me anytime I’m alone with my thoughts.

I guess my actual question is… should I seek help, such as therapy? Is it ok just to fantasize about such bad things?

A: Your anxiety is understandable–having fantasies about acts that would horrify you in real life can be seriously disturbing. But it’s also not uncommon. For some people, the wrongness of the fantasy is a big part of what makes it so hot in the first place. From what you write, it’s clear that you have a solid understanding of the difference between fantasy and reality. You don’t seem at all worried that you might ever act out the acts you fantasize about, and you don’t seem to feel dissatisfied with keeping them in the realm of fantasy.

We can’t tell you what you should do–that’s your decision to make. We can say that talk therapy might be helpful in either diffusing the power of the fantasies or easing your distress over having them. But many people in similar situations also just go on having and enjoying violent fantasies without that ever becoming a problem for them.

Happy New Year!

-SFSI Staff