San Francisco Sex Information

Q: My partner had a positive pap smear (for HPV). We are in our late 40s/early 50s. We swing, and we’ve had sex with a lot of people, but we almost always use condoms. Should we tell our other sexual partners? If we do, how far back should we go? What are the risks of transmitting it if we have sex with other people?

A: Condoms can greatly reduce the chance of transmission, but HPV can occur on skin surfaces in the genital regions not covered by a condom. Of the more than 100 types of HPV about 30 are sexually transmitted and only two are linked to cervical cancer.

An estimated 5.5 million new HPV infections occur each year in the US, accounting for about a third of all STD transmission. It’s a very communicable STD.

Recent studies show that about 70% of infected females will clear the infection in 12 months and 90% will clear within 2 years. The incubation period for the virus is 2 to 3 months. Many or most men may carry the virus and never present with symptoms.

With all that said - telling your other sexual partners is a good idea, if for nothing else to make sure the females in the group have their regular pap smears. The cervical cancer associated with HPV is very slow to develop and regular pap smears can lead to successful early intervention. How far back to go? Theoretically in a perfectly safe world, up to two years. Practically, probably less time. One thing we do find is that it’s quite common for men and women who practice swinging or open sexual relationships to go for regular check up or STD testing.

The good news is that there is not as much of a stigma attached to this virus because it’s quite common. It’s quite likely 25 million or more folks in the US currently have HPV.

Here is a great resource with info on HPV. We use the site’s invormation while we work here at SFSI.

Q: I feel insecure because my shorter boyfriend likes to look at “young,” “teen,” and “petite” porn. As a 5′10″ woman in her 30s, these are fantasies I can obviously not satisfy. Do I have reason to worry? If not, what do you suggest I do to overcome this insecurity?

A: Many people enjoy watching porn that involves sex that they are not necessarily interested in, and porn definitely falls within the fantasy realm. Some straight men will even watch gay porn even though they do not want that type of sex for themselves. You do not have reason to worry, because since your boyfriend is with you, then you are the type of woman that he is attracted to and wants to have sex with.

We would suggest checking out porn selections for yourself and exploring the different kinds of porn available that glorify women that are similar to yourself. This could help you with any insecurities because you will see tall women/ women in their 30s in sexy situations, etc. If you bring home a porn selection that you want to watch with your boyfriend, he will probably be happy to join you.

Here are a couple links to give you some ideas:

Violet Blue’s Smart Porn

The Goodvibes video selection

Q: I am considering trying escort/sex work, and I’m not sure where to start. A good friend of mine is doing a great job of working for herself through online ad sites, while maintaining safety and sex-positivity. I’m not sure if I should gain experience through an agency first, or if any safer, sex-positive ones even exist. Please help.

A: Thanks for your question! A good way to start is simply by getting involved with some online sex work communities. These communities will allow you to get more of a “feel” for the industry, and may even help you decide whether the online ad website or agency route is right for you. There are obvious advantages to both ways (online = autonomy, keeping everything you earn; agency= safety in numbers, instant community), but the choice will ultimately depend upon what is right for your
personal needs.

We don’t know offhand of any sex-positive agencies, but other sex workers (who can be found in the forums) will likely be able to. We think you’ll find that many of these groups are definitely feminist and sex-positive:

Sex Workers Outreach Project - sex worker community, blogs, news, etc.

Prostitutes’ Education Network. - Scroll all the way down. There are TONS of links by sex workers, for and about the industry.

MyPinkbook.com - A lengthy forum with resources and tips.

Hopefully this is helpful!

Q: I like to watch porn. Not most of it (I’m pretty picky) and not obsessively. As you can see I feel the need to defend my porn watching even to you! I do get decent doses of smut and I’m happy with that. My question is, does consistent porn consumption lead to the need for progressively more hardcore/shocking stuff? I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this theory supported in main stream media and my first instinct is to be skeptical, but you know, I have no data either way so I’m not really sure. What prompted this was my visit to Kink.com’s new site PublicDisgrace.com. I liked what I saw, but then my nervous worrier side took over and made me wonder whether this wasn’t a bad sign for how my porn habits might be trending.

A: There is no proof of an increase need for shock or hardcore porn with continued viewing. It is true that some people enjoy a new angle or theme to their porn over time. However, many people keep watching the same basic stuff over and over and never look for something different. It really is a matter of personal preference. We can’t say if you are in a trend. You may have finally found your ideal porn and be happy watching the PublicDisgrace.com stuff as it comes out. Only you can know for sure.

What does your worrier side worry about, specifically? That you have a porn addiction? That you will have a desire to act out fantasies in real life? If you feel that it is actually becoming a problem for you we suggest seeing a sex therapist. Please email us for references or if you have more questions about this topic. But if your concern is that porn viewing is a “slippery-slope” towards hardcore kink you can stop worrying.

Q: I visited your website and found it useful for me. I am male and want to know the answers of the following questions:

1. My girlfriend was very hot in the beginning but now her desire for sex is almost finished. A year ago when I sucked her nipple she moaned and lift her legs and became so hot, but now she does not like nipple sucking or pussy licking. How I can improve the situation?

2. She had a “traditional smell” in her vagina in the beginning when we met but now her vagina is without any kind of smell. Can she get back that smell?

A: It sounds as though your girlfriend is experiencing a low point in her libido, or sexual excitability. This could explain the change in her vaginal odor as well. There are many possible reasons for a lack of sexual arousal:

For example, she may have a medical condition, so she might definitely want to consider ruling this out with a visit to her medical doctor.

Or she may be experiencing some sort of psychological condition affecting her libido. A licensed psychotherapist who has developed a scope of practice which includes sexual issues would be a good person to consult. Depression can greatly reduce a person’s interest in sex. Feeling stressed out could also be a cause.

One common common reason for a lack of interest in sex is that she has become a bit bored. You might want to ask her about this - for example, if there is anything in particular that she desires now in your sex play to spice things up? Many people find that by changing positions, including more or less talking or vocalization during sex, trying out role playing, costumes, or other fantasies they are able to rekindle their passions.

It’s quite normal for couples to go through a “honeymoon period” of six months to two years where the sex is hot, and then sex often declines in frequency and intensity as the relationship begins to settle into a more comfortable long-term pattern.

Q: Can you tell me why single male swingers often get the boot by most swingers including couples and even many single women? Is it a personal security issue? I noticed that most swingers who are couples, women, and men alike prefer only women and couples. Most of their ads say single men need not apply.

A: The reason why single male swingers are given the boot is because many men are inappropriate when addressing either a couple or mostly women. In order to keep the “creep” factor out of the swingers scene, hosts often deny access to men not accompanied by a female partner. If you are someone who is very responsible and can adhere to the rules of swinger parties, it might work if you put an ad like Craigslist and look for a woman or couple who would be willing to have you join them for the evening. It helps to have folks vouch for your good nature and well-behaved manners, and perhaps then if you become a regular, the host might allow you to attend parties so long as you don’t do anything inappropriate.

Q: I’m a heterosexual male who is turned on by women, whether looking at them or fooling around. While I don’t feel any attraction whatsoever to men I do get a rush (and an erection) when getting a massage from a male practitioner. In fact, I took this one step further and responded to an ad posted by someone offering free massages to straight men. The act of undressing and knowing I’m being admired by someone else, even a gay man, turns me on. Throughout the experience I’ve experienced no desire to touch the man or take it any further. It’s simply the rush of exhibitionism and being admired/wanted.

And the desire comes intermittently every few weeks, and I’ll act on it and then feel like crap afterwards. I’m confused by the whole thing. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated greatly.

A: We can’t quite tell from your message which issue is distressing to you but there are many reasons why you might feel confused by the experiences you described. Concern about being gay or bisexual, fear of getting caught, judgment by others, or perhaps religious conflict are just a few.

Keep in mind that there are many people who enjoy getting attention from people of all genders and it does not necessarily have anything to do with their sexual orientation. Since you do not find yourself attracted to men in general, you are probably not gay but human sexuality is a very wide continuum and you may be bisexual. The desire to be admired and wanted and getting turned on by it is not uncommon and can be very enjoyable as long as it is mutually consensual. If you are interested in exhibitionism, we recommend the book, Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen.

If this is something that you continue to be concerned about, you might consider talking to a counselor. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists is a good resource.

Q: I started having sex about 6 months ago, and every time I have it I cannot feel anything. It’s supposed to feel good right? The only thing I can feel is him in me, it doesn’t feel good. Even when he fingers me, it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t stimulate me at all. Is there something wrong with me?

Last week I had unprotected sex, one week before my period (I should get it this week) If there is a chance I may become pregnant, would I still get my period and still may be pregnant, even though I’m on birth control?

A: The good news is that there is nothing wrong with you. Different women like different sorts of stimulation.

Make sure that you’re properly turned on before trying penetration. Your body probably won’t respond to penetration if you don’t work up to it first–kissing, groping, finger play, oral sex (giving and receiving). Some people like to use additional lubrication (that can be purchased at the drug store). This will reduce friction and, perhaps, enhance penetration for you.

Many women do find penetration with fingers or a penis to be pleasurable. However, most women need additional stimulation of the clitoris in order for sex to feel good to them. If intercourse and penetration aren’t satisfying you, try using fingers (your own or your partner’s) to stimulate your clitoris. Oral sex can also feel great on a clitoris. If you’re interested in experimenting a bit, consider using a vibrator.

The most important thing you can do to improve the sex you’re having, though, is to communicate with your partner. Talk about what does and doesn’t feel good to you. And if you’re not enjoying what you’re doing, remember that you can always stop!

As for your questions regarding pregnancy, as long as you’re correctly using your birth control, the chances of pregnancy occurring are very small. If unprotected sex causes you to feel anxious about pregnancy, it’s probably best to use a condom every time you have sex. This will also better protect you against STDs. Please check out our pages with pregnancy information.

Q: I’d like to know more about certain aspects of BDSM. What is a “silent alarm”? How do I know what I like and don’t like? How can I discuss it with a dominant man? Thanks.

A: A “silent alarm” is a system you put in place to have a trusted friend or somebody else in the BDSM community acting as your back up safety person when you are playing or in a scene, especially when you are playing with new people. Sometimes it’s also called a “safe call”. This silent alarm person would know who you will be with, where you are going, and what your basic plans will be. Sometimes, plans are made to have you check in with your “silent alarm,” or have them call you, and they may call the police or investigate further if you do not call or answer the phone at the pre-decided time. Other times, this person will respond only if you call and ask for help.

An important way to ensure your safety and comfort when engaging in BDSM play is to have a safe word. This word will communicate to your partner what your degree of comfort or discomfort is with what you are doing. It helps to pick a word or words that you do not use regularly so that you don’t accidentally blurt them out and cause confusion. The colors of the stop light are a good place to start: Green means keep going, yellow means use a little caution, and red means stop.
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Q: I am 22 and ever since the first time I had sex I have been bad. Well, I suppose you could say I ejaculate prematurely. It is extremely premature however. We are talking before my pants come off. I don’t know how to stop it. I try to practice when I masturbate but I can never hold it for long. And then when I am with a girl it is just intensified. If I am pleasing her it is as if I can feel her pleasure and sexual energy and I lose control. I am so embarrassed by it that I usually don’t tell her. Sometimes I can get hard again and then I’ll have some success, but the more I like the girl the less success I usually have, which let me tell you, really sucks.

When I was much younger, around 8, a friend and I…played with each other, orally. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or not, making my nerves supersensitive. This habit of mine however seriously impairs my ability to have a relationship. I have never been able to make a girl come from intercourse. I don’t see how I can have a healthy sexual relationship when I come so quickly. Sometimes I can go 3 or 4 times in a row, but by then it has lost most of its luster, and regardless, this only really happens after I get to know the girl. Do you have any suggestions? I feel like this is both a physical and psychological problem.
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