San Francisco Sex Information

Q: My husband is into coprophilia – he wants me to defecate on his face and into his mouth. I am completely repulsed by this. Not my idea of ‘sexy’ sex. It leaves me cold and not in the mood. Also makes me feel degraded and low. I’ve explained all this to him but it falls on deaf ears and he keeps harassing me for it. We’ve had so many rows about it. I’ve asked him to go for therapy and he has refused, so I’ve gone on my own, only to be told, “It’s not illegal so either accept it or divorce him.” I’m divorcing him. He says I am being selfish as we have a 3 year old son and we should stay together for his sake. But I need a sex life too – one that is normal and fulfills my needs too? Am I in the wrong? Please don’t tell me I need to compromise with him as he won’t and keeps taking things too far with me even when he has promised time and again that he wont do it. It’s driving me nuts. Btw, it has led to physical fights between us.

I don’t want to ruin my baby’s life by tearing his family apart but I don’t think I can deal with this anymore. What should I do?

A: It often difficult to say “no” to a partner, and while trying something new can sometimes lead to fun experiences, it sounds like you are very certain that this is not something that could ever be enjoyable or sexy for you. While his fetish is an unusual one, there are other people who share this fetish. It can be a difficult to find a partner who is interested in participating in it, but it is not impossible. However, it seems like the problem is less *what* his fetish is so much as his *behavior* to you around this fetish.

Several points that are of concern:

1. When your husband doesn’t get his way, the situation turns into physical violence.

2. He refuses to respect your right to say “no” to having the kind of sex he wants, even though you feel degraded by what he’s asking. He refuses to accept “no” as an answer and continues to pressure you even when you have repeatedly said no.

3. He refuses to compromise or seek outside assistance in dealing with rejection or perhaps finding other forms of sex he could enjoy with you.

4. He attempts to manipulate you by finding fault with your character (calling you “selfish” for not wanting what he wants) and saying you have to stay with him for the sake of your son, with the implication that if you stay, you have to participate in a sex act that disgusts you.

You are allowed to say “no” to any sex act you don’t wish to experience. It may also help you to seek a therapist who is more sensitive to your needs and who can help you deal with how scary/confusing this situation is for you.

[ Cross posted from Yahoo! Answers, where this SFSI Answer was chosen best answer to this question. ]

Q: Is it wrong to look at cartoon porn?

A: We’re not sure what your specific concerns around cartoon porn are, but we don’t pass judgment on pornography use or any other sexual behavior involving consenting participants. If your use of pornography is causing you distress and/or causing you to neglect other areas of your life, you might want to consider seeing a sex therapist. Otherwise, it is perfectly normal.

Many people enjoy cartoon porn for many different reasons. Some people might be interested in situations or sex acts that might be impossible or illegal in real life. For some people, it may just be something different that they enjoy occasionally.

Most pornography, whether it uses live actors or not, is based in fantasy and is not a completely accurate portrayal of real life sex. Another way of looking at it is that pornography in the form of drawings and sculptures existed for thousands of years before the invention of photography and movies.

One thing to be aware of is cartoon pornography that depicts characters under the age of consent may be illegal where you live even though no real children are involved. For more information on this, you may want to talk to a legal professional in your jurisdiction.

Q: I am 21 years old. I started my period when I was 13 and have had irregular periods ever since. I’d go a few months with one then go a few months without one, then go 5 months with out having one then have one then go another 5 months to a year without having one. I don’t know what the problem is. I am engaged and want to have a child with my fiance, and no matter how hard I try I cant get pregnant. Is there anything you can suggest that will help me to get pregnant? Or am I sterile? Please assist me..

A: Not everybody has a regular ovulation cycle and period and there could be any of a number of reasons that you are experiencing irregular and infrequent periods. Some of the biggest life factors which can cause this include low body weight, rapid change in weight, stress, and drug abuse. You could also possibly have a hormonal imbalance either caused by medications or possibly a thyroid problem. A hormone imbalance can lead to a condition known as poly cystic ovaries where several very small cysts develop on the ovaries. Up to 10 percent of women have this condition. The good news for all of these potential conditions is that they do not significantly affect your fertility.

For your age, fertility doctors recommend that you try to conceive for a year before turning to fertility treatment. At that time they may also look into your fiance’s sperm health.

If you are concerned about the irregularity, an appointment with your doctor or a gynecologist can perform a blood test to see if there is a hormonal problem. If there is a hormone imbalance, and ultrasound is frequently used to check for poly cystic ovaries.

Q: I was looking for porn online and ended up on a few different sites. I ended up on a couple sites where amateurs upload their own home videos. On the latter of the two sites there were videos posted of strip teases that had a banner running across them saying they were from another website featuring women on webcams at home. I looked at that third site briefly and was freaked out pretty quickly. Yes its women dancing naked, but I couldn’t find a US title 18 statement or whatever that thing is called. I don’t want any part of something that isn’t legal or compliant and such. I am still a little freaked out and paranoid about that site and would really like your input, thoughts and help. Also, I am thinking I need to stop viewing porn altogether. I think it freaks me out too much and I would be far better off if I didn’t look at it. Do you have an resources for something like an online porn addiction group or something like that?

A: It sounds like you are worried about potentially being a viewer of underaged/child pornography on sites that don’t list their legal credentials. On sites like YouPorn or XTube that is a risk, yes, since lots of people are uploading home videos or home-made camshows.

Porn can be a healthy outlet for many people, however, as long as it does not negatively interfere with other aspects of your life. If your interest in porn is causing problems with other aspects of your life, like your sex life or your work, then it might indeed be a problem, but if your only worry is about the porn’s legality, there are other solutions than completely cutting it out of your life.

One option is to rent or purchase adult content on DVD’s and not view streaming online or via downloading or free sites. This will allow you more control and not leave you vulnerable to issues about legality that might “freak you out”.

There is so much adult content on the web that plays by the rules you should easily be able to ignore any site that you don’t feel comfortable with.

Q: I have a somewhat complex question about oral herpes.

My husband and I are polyamorous. My other partner kissed a woman who did not disclose to him until later the same evening that she had a three-day-old cold sore. The cold sore did have a scab, and did not bleed or leak fluid onto his lips or mouth. She has told him that she has tested positive for oral herpes.

My questions are:

1. Should we all now fore go oral sex without a dental dam or condom? If so, for how long?
2. How soon can we be tested for oral herpes? The incident occurred approximately 48 hours ago.
3. Neither my husband, my partner, nor myself have ever had a cold sore/fever blister, but we have never been tested for oral herpes. Is it possible that we are all asymptomatic carriers? If so, what will a positive test result now tell us?
4. Should we all refrain from social kissing, the sharing of drinks, etc. with others? If we have been infected through the recent kiss, can we pass the virus to others before any of us develop sores?

A: It sounds like you are concerned about one of your partners kissing a woman who has tested positive for oral herpes, and (correct us if we are wrong) you have presumably been in contact with this partner who was exposed to the woman’s cold sore, in which case you and your husband are concerned about contracting oral herpes. If anything is inaccurate about this description, please let us know!

1. If you want to be on the safe side it might be good to use condoms and dental dams until you can consult with a medical provider. We have not been able to find reliable information about the possibility of transmission during the incubation period of oral herpes (from exposure to showing of a blister) which is about 2 – 12 days. You are correct that it is possible to transmit herpes from the mouth to the genitals through oral sex.

2. If a sore appears, the fluid from the sore can be swabbed and tested. Keep an eye out for symptoms of blisters that look to be in clusters or alone. There’s more information on symptoms at the American Social Health Association. If you do not develop symptoms, you could get a blood test. These tests detect antibodies to herpes, and it could take up to 3 months for antibodies to develop. Blood tests can give you information as to whether or not you have antibodies to herpes in your bloodstream, however this test will not tell you where the herpes is located on your body.

3. It is possible that you could be asymptomatic carriers despite never having shown any symptoms. HSV-1 is extremely common, some stats showing that between 50% and 80% of people have it. It’s also possible that you are in the minority of the population who do not have it. Again a positive blood test (the test you would have to take in the absence of a sore that can be swabbed) would only tell you if the virus is in your body, not where the infection is located.