San Francisco Sex Information

Q: I’d like to know more about certain aspects of BDSM. What is a “silent alarm”? How do I know what I like and don’t like? How can I discuss it with a dominant man? Thanks.

A: A “silent alarm” is a system you put in place to have a trusted friend or somebody else in the BDSM community acting as your back up safety person when you are playing or in a scene, especially when you are playing with new people. Sometimes it’s also called a “safe call”. This silent alarm person would know who you will be with, where you are going, and what your basic plans will be. Sometimes, plans are made to have you check in with your “silent alarm,” or have them call you, and they may call the police or investigate further if you do not call or answer the phone at the pre-decided time. Other times, this person will respond only if you call and ask for help.

An important way to ensure your safety and comfort when engaging in BDSM play is to have a safe word. This word will communicate to your partner what your degree of comfort or discomfort is with what you are doing. It helps to pick a word or words that you do not use regularly so that you don’t accidentally blurt them out and cause confusion. The colors of the stop light are a good place to start: Green means keep going, yellow means use a little caution, and red means stop.
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Q: I am 22 and ever since the first time I had sex I have been bad. Well, I suppose you could say I ejaculate prematurely. It is extremely premature however. We are talking before my pants come off. I don’t know how to stop it. I try to practice when I masturbate but I can never hold it for long. And then when I am with a girl it is just intensified. If I am pleasing her it is as if I can feel her pleasure and sexual energy and I lose control. I am so embarrassed by it that I usually don’t tell her. Sometimes I can get hard again and then I’ll have some success, but the more I like the girl the less success I usually have, which let me tell you, really sucks.

When I was much younger, around 8, a friend and I…played with each other, orally. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or not, making my nerves supersensitive. This habit of mine however seriously impairs my ability to have a relationship. I have never been able to make a girl come from intercourse. I don’t see how I can have a healthy sexual relationship when I come so quickly. Sometimes I can go 3 or 4 times in a row, but by then it has lost most of its luster, and regardless, this only really happens after I get to know the girl. Do you have any suggestions? I feel like this is both a physical and psychological problem.
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Q: Hi, I am a woman with a furry butt, and I’m embarrassed about it. Is it safe to shave the butt crack area, or is there some better way to remove hair there?

A: Thank you for you question. Many people have a variety of thickness of hair growth on different parts of their body. Some people and their partners enjoy varying degrees of hair growth on their bodies while others do not. If you wish to remove the body hair around your butt or in your butt crack shaving is an option.

You seem concerned since this is a sensitive area that shaving might hurt you. Besides shaving waxing is also an option. You can try to wax it yourself or have a professional do it. We would recommend avoiding though using chemical depilatories such as Nair. The chemicals in chemical depilatories might irritate your anus and the surrounding areas.

Q: My partner doesn’t like to have sex doggy style but I love it. Nevertheless, she is always complaining that it hurts. Is it possible for a girl to be in pain when fucked doggy, or does she just say so because she doesn’t like the position?

A: It is entirely possible (and relatively common) for “doggy style” intercourse to be painful for a woman, due to the fact that it allows for a deeper penetration into her vagina than other sexual positions.

If your partner is willing to experiment, here are a few things that the two of you can try to make the position less painful for her:

*Try not to penetrate her all the way. If it’s the depth of your penis in her vagina that is hurting her, you can keep your hand around the base of your penis during intercourse so that it doesn’t go in as deep.
* Use lubricant if you are not doing so already. This will ease some of the friction that the position creates.
*Start slowly, so that the sex is not jarring to her (fast speeds can be painful and unsatisfying for many women), and communicate with her throughout the sex about what feels good to her and what does not.

Q: My question is is it normal to fantasize before/during masturbation? I was taught that while it is not wrong to masturbate, it is wrong to have lustful thoughts. But I can not help myself! I MUST fantasize prior to and during masturbation in order to reach orgasm. I can’t just focus on the sensations. Is that normal and healthy? I don’t see how having thoughts can be wrong. After all, thoughts and actions are two different things right? So even having what some would consider a taboo fantasy (like thinking about being raped or forcing yourself on someone else) is okay as long as you don’t act on it right?

A: Almost all people fantasize before or during masturbation; many people fantasize during sex with a partner as well. Most people would find it difficult to reach orgasm without entertaining some sexual thoughts. The thoughts many people have can include a variety of sexual activities that may not be activities they are comfortable with engaging in in their actual lives. You’re exactly right; thoughts and actions are separate things, and no one can be harmed by your thoughts.

As far as your question about taboo fantasies, only you can answer for yourself whether acting on something is OK or not. Some people act on taboo fantasies consensually, and others just keep them internal.

Q: I am a lesbian in my late-20s. It’s been 12 years since I was introduced to the first fetish of my life i.e Ass Play. Gradually I’ve got more nasty and dirty. I feel weird when I say am into shit play but it gives me immense pleasure and a heavy orgasm. Am only into rubbing and watching it come out in the mirror nothing else. Do you think am sick? Or is it normal? I rub it only on my breasts and ass but one thought really excites me, is it safe if i rub it on my pussy?

A: While shit play (a.k.a. copraphilia) may not be the most common fetish, there are certainly other people who enjoy it, and there is nothing wrong with it as long as you are being safe, sane, and consensual if you play with any partners.

However, we recommend that you don’t rub it on your pussy. Fecal matter contains many different types of bacteria and microorganisms which cause vaginal infections. You might consider using some type of protective barrier, such as a dental dam or saran wrap.

Q: I sometimes wonder if I am normal. I am horny all the time and cannot help day dreaming about women I meet and or casually view. Which is ironic, because when I was a teenager my friends would say check out that babe and I just did not get it. Now in my fifties I cannot help checking them out. Moreover, I masturbate more now than ever some times up to four times in a day.

After three long term relationships one which included 15 years of marriage I don’t want another relationship, because all the partners I have met have trouble keeping up with my libido. And when the sex stops I want out. Am I just immature or am I suffering from OCD?

I heard about this new or old therapy called Tantric massage which I assume is aimed at approaching sex from a spiritual perspective allowing one to focus on pleasing ones partner instead pleasing ones self. Don’t get me wrong I was into giving my partners massages, showering them with gifts, romance (writing poems) and ensuring they had a great time or at least pretended to. I wonder is Tantra real or is it just an excuse to make 200 bucks per hour for a massage?
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Q: Can daily masturbation (for a long time, like years) end in male infertility? Is there anything definite about sperm quality, for example could masturbating change the quality of sperm which might lead to a mentally retarded child?

A: Semen is a fully renewable resource. While ejaculating may lower your sperm count temporarily, when you ejaculate semen, your body simply makes more the same way your body makes more saliva after you spit. Masturbation has no known negative health effects. We recommend Jackinworld for more male masturbation info.

Q: I’m a married man in my 20s and I love my wife very deeply. I have a strange fetish that I have some questions about though. Before we have sex I like for my wife to talk to me about her past sexual experiences. I love my wife and wouldn’t give her up for anything in the world, but there is something about picturing her being pleased by another man that just drives me wild. Is this normal? Any information on this subject would be greatly appreciated.

A: Enjoying this activity with your wife is a completely normal thing to do. Many have often asked, and having this fantasy is completely normal. We’re sure there are many men who think about their girlfriend/wives having sex with other men while they watch. There is nothing wrong with it. People like fantasies and there’s nothing wrong with fantasies and imagination during sex.

Q: My friend told me that to use douches too much is not good for a woman? Is that true? Also if it is alright how often should someone use it? Like every few months?

A: Many doctors and health organizations now agree that there is no reason for douching unless your doctor specifically recommends it. Douching can disturb the normal pH (acidity) and the balance of “good” bacteria in a healthy vagina, leading to infections of unhealthy bacteria (known as bacterial vaginosis). There may be an association between douching and pelvic inflammatory disease because douching could push bacteria from the vagina up into the uterus.

It is not necessary to douche to clean the vagina. A healthy vagina will naturally clean itself. You can rinse your vulva with water in the shower or bath. You should only use very mild soap, if you decide to use soap at all.

Some women douche to change the smell of their genitals. A healthy woman’s genitals do have a smell, but it should not be unpleasant. If a woman notices a strong odor (sometimes fishy) or unusual discharge, it is likely that she has an infection that will need to be diagnosed and treated by a doctor. Douching might temporarily cover up the symptoms, but it will not do anything to treat the infection. It might even make it worse.