San Francisco Sex Information

Q: I’m a man in my early twenties and I find it really hard to get to the orgasm during the intercourse. I don’t drink any alcohol, and I have no problem getting to the orgasm through masturbation, so I wouldn’t blame it on physical problems. I’ve been with five different girls, some of who I was comfortable with, but it doesn’t make any difference regarding my inability to come. I feel kind of uncomfortable going to a doctor, so before doing so I wanted to ask you.

A: We can’t tell you for certain why you’re having difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner, but we can suggest some possibilities for you to think about. The first question to ask yourself is whether you feel like the issue is more about sensation or more about what’s going on in your head.

Masturbation with your hand can provide tighter, more intense, or just plain different stimulation than oral, vaginal or anal sex. So it’s possible that you’re not getting the kind of sensation that gets you to orgasm from partnered sex. Have you tried masturbating while you’re with a partner? Perhaps having sex until you’re ready to orgasm and then “finishing off” with your hand. You might also have success trying different activities or positions during partnered sex. Perhaps a position that allows for deeper penetration, or playing with your balls during sex, for example. Different people prefer different techniques and sensations, so the thing to do is experiment and see what turns you on and gets you off.

On the other hand, perhaps the issue has more to do with how you’re feeling mentally or emotionally during sex with a partner. Much of what goes into orgasm and sexual pleasure is mental, and all the stimulation in the world won’t do the trick if your head isn’t in the right place. Some people get caught up in anxiety about their performance, for example, or feel conflicted about fantasizing while with a partner. If you’re feeling like there’s something keeping you from getting in the right headspace during partnered sex, you could take some introspective time to think about what exactly it is and what’s causing it. Sometimes mental issues benefit from working with a professional sex therapist, but sometimes they can be resolved just by thinking them through and perhaps talking with your partner about changes you could make in your sex together. For example, some people find that they need lots of evidence of their partner’s pleasure in order to get in the right headspace for orgasm, and they might get that by asking their partners to talk dirty and express their enjoyment during sex.

Q: I am a woman who is dating a fellow who grew up in a house with 7 children, all of whom were molested. The father molested most of them, but my guy was molested by a sibling. He told me early on that he had a fetish for peri-pubescent girls, like 12-14 year olds, and an incest fetish. I accommodated his daddy-daughter fetish through dirty-talk.

The last time I saw him, he requested that I fuck him while he pretended to be asleep. I did so, murmuring papa when I came. He loved it. Everything seemed great. A day later, we were making out, I called him Daddy, we were about to fuck, and his laundry timer went off. He went to get laundry, came back, and said he said he no longer wanted to be my lover. One minute hot, the next cold. When I asked, he said our relationship reminds him of the abuse.

Since then, nothing has changed between us except that now there’s no sex and no role-play. He’s told me he doesn’t think we will ever be lovers again.

I’m not sure what to think. This is my first time dealing with someone who has had this sort of past. Can you provide any insight into the situation? What is going on? What happened? What went wrong?

A: This sounds like a tough situation for both of you. It’s difficult to provide specific insight into your partner’s behavior or what he’s experiencing. Recovering from sexual abuse, and navigating adult sexuality as a survivor, is a very individual process.

One option for both of you, alone or together, is to seek counseling from a professional who has experience dealing with these issues. Your partner, of course, would have to choose this kind of help for himself; but remember that it is an option for you as well, since you care about him and may also have feelings and reactions you’d like to examine. The following website– http://www.aasect.org/ –links to a database of mental health professionals who have been certified to provide therapy around sexuality. If you search for mental health care providers in your area, their online listings will often include their areas of expertise. Alternately, you could start by talking to any LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist), and he or she could refer you elsewhere if necessary.

We can also offer a few online resources created specifically for men who have been abused. These sites include sections for friends and loved ones of survivors, and contain a wealth of information you may find useful about how to care for yourself, and how you may be able to help him. They also include numbers for hotlines if you’d like to speak to someone over the phone, and further tips about finding counseling if you decide you want to.

http://www.1in6.org/

http://www.malesurvivor.org/default.html

http://www.sandf.org/forum/ (online discussion forum for friends and loved ones of survivors)

http://forge-forward.org/transviolence/partners.php (scroll down this page for a list of books/resources)

We hope some of this is helpful. Best of luck to you, and your partner.

Q: My boyfriend loves my butt and loves anal, but I just can’t stand the pain. We’ve done everything recommended, foreplay, relaxing, orgasm, we use plenty of lube. He warms up with his fingers but I still can’t take the pain. We’ll have anal sex about once every two or three months because of this, I’d like to have it more frequently. Even after he gets the head in it still hurts just as much getting to the base. He takes it super slow, waiting until I tell him it’s ok to move on, but as soon as he moves, the pain comes back. I’m underage so going to a sex shop isn’t really possible for me. Please help! I don’t know what to do anymore!

A: First off, it sounds like you’ve already done your homework. Our impression is that you are already “doing it right” (using the recommended techniques to learn how to have anal sex).

We would like to point out that anal isn’t great for everyone. It’s okay to decide that anal sex isn’t for you. There’s no shame in that — everybody’s body is different. Pay attention to the warning signs your body is giving you, especially because the anus is a delicate part of the human anatomy, and it is easy to injure yourself during anal sex.

If you want to keep trying, try sticking with fingers for a while.

Fingers are a great anal sex toy to train with (though make sure your partner trims his fingernails, to avoid accidentally scratching you). Our impression is that you’re okay with your partner “warming you up with his fingers” but that his penis causes too much painful stretching for you. By starting with one finger, and then moving on to two fingers, you might gradually (over days or weeks) train your body to stretch to accommodate larger objects.

Leave his penis out of the equation until you feel comfortable having a similar girth of fingers inside of you. Also keep in mind that no matter how hard you try, your body simply might not be made for this. That’s okay. There are lots of other things you can do with your boyfriend that should be pleasing for both of you.

Kudos to you for doing your own research first, and for having good communication with your partner.

Q: I have had a foot fetish as long as I can remember. I have never told anyone. Not friends, family, not even my best friend. But last night was so weird. I had a dream i just couldn’t control myself and jumped on a girl and just started having sex with her, including her feet. I also strangely dreamed in the same dream I was on the streets stalking girls. (Both of which I would never do.)

I just feel like such a freak! And I know girls my age wouldn’t understand and would just laugh. I don’t want to get rid of it because I’m guessing it will give me more possibilities later in my sex life. I just want to do something about it! It’s building up inside me but I don’t feel I can tell ANYONE! It’s a thing I’ve carried with me all my life and I don’t hate having it, but not feeling like I can do anything about it! So my question is, can someone help me? I would like to “relieve” it somehow but I don’t know if that would still be considered sex or harmless. I want to relieve it, do something about it, you know? Just take care of it without getting rid of it! Having somebody to tell! Can someone help me with this?

A: Many people have sexual dreams and fantasies about things that they wouldn’t want to try in real life. Having these dreams does not mean you will ever actually do these things. Many people also have fetishes; these fetishes can definitely be part of a healthy sex life, and people are often able to find sexual partners who accept their fetishes and play right along.

If you are worried about your fetish, it might help to hear from others who have had similar experiences. The book “Fetish Sex: An Erotic Guide for Couples” by Violet Blue has some great information on fetishes in general (not just for couples). There are also good resources on the web: www.goaskalice.columbia.edu is a Q&A site devoted to sexuality, and there are several questions and answers there addressing foot fetishes.

Just keep in mind that having a fetish is not as “odd” as you might think. There are definitely others who can identify with you, and with a little searching, you can find some ideas for how to navigate your feelings until, and even after, you’re ready to share them with someone.

[ Cross posted from Yahoo! Answers, where this SFSI Answer was chosen best answer to this question. ]