San Francisco Sex Information

Q: How do I communicate with my partner about spanking? I want to try it with him, but I don’t know how to bring up BDSM topics with sexual partners.

A: There are several ways you can bring up the topic. For instance, it might be helpful to playfully bring up the subject during a neutral conversation moment so not to put pressure on him during your time being sexual. You could say something like, “Sweetie, let’s talk about sex and ways we can maybe spice things up.” Or, you could ask him if he has any sexual fantasies that he would be willing to share with you to get a sense of whether this might be something he is interested in and hasn’t known how to bring it up with you. Even if he doesn’t have that specific fantasy, it would be a good lead in for you to share about having a fantasy about spanking.

As another alternative, you could rent a movie containing the subject (“The Secretary” is a good Hollywood movie) and have a discussion about it afterwards, asking your partner what he thought, and if he might want to try something like that.

There are also plenty of rentable adult films that deal with spanking. You can look online at places like bluedoor.com (kind of like a Netflix for porn). And there are instructional type videos such as “Nina Hartley’s Guide to Spanking,” and other DVDs on Amazon.com (search for “spanking DVDs”).
Continue reading ›

Q: I am 23 years old and I am considering of getting circumcised. Would you please tell me what this procedure is like? Is it done by the urologist? Does it require full anesthesia? How long should I stay in hospital? How is the recovery?

A: Adult circumcision is usually done on an outpatient basis by a urologist so there is no hospital stay, and is generally done with local anesthesia and you are awake for the procedure.

There are two techniques that are used to perform the circumcision. The dorsal slit technique involves cutting a small slit down part of the length of the foreskin then the foreskin is pulled back and cut away and sutured.

The second technique is called the sleeve technique. A skin marker is used to mark the incisions and the foreskin is cut around the body of the penis so that a “sleeve” of skin is formed. The foreskin is then separated and removed and sutured.

As with any surgical procedure there are potential complications. Your doctor should be able to tell you about these in detail.

Aftercare involves gentle washing of the wound daily for 5-7 days after which you may shower regularly. Masturbation and intercourse should be avoided for 4-6 weeks after the procedure. But, again, your doctor can give you specific details about aftercare.

For a less medically focused information on adult circumcision, you can visit Go Ask Alice.

Q: I am female. My fiance mentioned to me lately that a good source of therapy for my emotional anxieties and for my insomnia would be masturbation. I have no clue on the subject so I have researched it. I know it’s an exploration of yourself and finding what pleases you. I am contemplating getting a toy. I guess what i am asking is I need ideas on good first time toys and tips. And yes I am laughing at myself right now because I sound so clinical about this and I really am not.

A: If you can shop online try some websites like Goodvibes, Babeland, and Blowfish. They are woman friendly and have reviews and explanations of what the goal of the toy is.

The most economical start is probably one of the electric back or spot massager/vibrator types, called wand or coil.

Once you have relieved some stress you can take a step back and try the hands-on approach and learn the best ways to get off without vibrations.

Q: I am female. I have been having intercourse for a fairly short time-the latest being my fourth. Every time, however, I have the same problem–penetration is painful; not unbearable, but certainly not normal or slight. Relaxation or lubrication is not the problem, nor is my partner doing anything to cause this. He is very patient and even offers to stop constantly, and did so the last time because he didn’t want to hurt me. Neither of us have any infections/STDs to cause it. Is this normal? Will it improve with time?

A: Some people may experience pain the first few times they have intercourse. It sounds like you and your partner are doing everything possible to make this a pleasurable experience. Open communication before, during and after sex is crucial to having a good time, finding out what both of you like, and even making improvements. It helps to be relaxed, and you may want to try using a water-based lubricant to aid your own natural lubrication. This may seem unnecessary, but it often makes a huge difference for many people. One thing you may want to try is warming up with fingers or a smaller sex toy. Going from nothing to penis may be a big jump and it might be helpful to start off with something smaller. You also may want to try different positions to see what works best for you- people are different, and not every position is comfortable for everyone. If you try these things and continue to experience pain every time, you may want to see a doctor. Hope this helps.

Q: I have a spanking fetish, and I desperately want to overcome it. I am not entirely sure what the fetish is caused by, but I have always fantasized about it for as long as I can remember – probably since I was about three years old. (Seriously.) I am a self-confident person, but this is my Achilles heel, a secret that makes me feel shameful and repressed.

Of course I want to act upon my desire, but my desire to be wholly normal – and confident in my sexuality, I think – is stronger. I am white, and I’ve noticed that my fetish is really only common in other white people. My boyfriend is not white and not kinky. I love him and I don’t want to make him feel estranged.

Please do not try to reassure me that my fetish is normal or okay. I really want it gone. I would greatly appreciate any advice or insight you can give me.

A: Thank you for your very interesting question. As you have specifically requested, we will not reassure you that your fetish is normal or okay, as it obviously is not for you. We can say that it is very normal not to be comfortable or okay with your fetishes. In fact, a big part of the attraction to most fetishes is that they are taboo in the first place and that adds to the excitement of acting them out.

As a source of information related to sex we are often asked questions about all varieties of fetishes but usually we are asked for resources for the questioner who wants to delve deeper into their particular fetish. In your case there is not much that we can tell you unless you want to learn more about the fetish of spanking to see what it is about this fetish that you find troubling.

If on the other hand you simply want to overcome this fetish that would be a task we would defer to professional counselors or therapist who specialize in CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) or other therapies that are designed to help people overcome behaviors or aspects of their characters they wish to change.

In case you want take this route and would like some referrals we suggest you might try AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) at www.aasect.org.