We’ve discussed restraints in the past, just kind of flirting with naughtiness, and I mentioned a few things like using a strap-on and tying him up and he seems very VERY interested. I am not an experienced Domme, and while I don’t always think along those lines, I am a pretty kinky gal, and it would give me a great deal of pleasure to do damned near anything to please this man.

I am concerned that restraining and flogging him or blindfolding him may remind him of horrors he has really faced. He tells me he wants these kinds of things and he’s strong as an ox, but I am concerned about his psyche. Are there articles I can read about topping a combat vet?

Life begins at 50! I just don’t want a new chapter to slam on my Sweetheart.

A: We’ve looked, but we can’t find any resources specifically about topping a combat vet. However we do have some ideas.

First, there is a significant chance that topping him will not trigger him. It’s still probably worth planning for, but you may never actually have to deal with it. Before doing anything that you’re afraid might be triggering, you and your partner may want to create a trigger plan. The best resource we’ve found about how to do this is geared towards adult woman survivors of childhood sexual abuse (The Survivor’s Guide to Sex, by Staci Haines) but we think some of it can be applied to your situation. The basic idea is to develop a plan with your partner of what both of you are going to do in the event of a trigger. How might he behave? How will you recognize it? What can you do to help him? How can you take care of yourself? What can he do in the moment to bring himself back to the present? This will likely be a longish conversation, and you may never need it, but if you do you’ll be glad to know what to do. Has he ever been triggered by anything before? How does he behave? If there’s any chance he’ll get violent, that’s definitely something you’ll need to address, whether by tying him up extra well or arranging another outlet for him or both. Also, since you can’t foresee everything, an important part of any trigger pan is how you’ll communicate in the moment. Will he be verbal? Will he be gagged? Will that be a problem for him? What will he need from you?

Another resource we can recommend is The Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. It’s geared towards the BDSM community, not specifically veterans, but it has a lot of great information about topping.

The other big piece of advice we have is don’t skip the aftercare. Aftercare is great to have as part of any BDSM experience, but it’s essential if you’re at all concerned about your bottom’s psyche. A good snuggly check in immediately afterwards and some explicit debriefing within a day or two will do several things. First, it will help make sure his experience is a positive one. It will also keep you informed as to how things are going for him, so you’ll have all the information you need to be the best top possible.

A: There are several ways you can bring up the topic. For instance, it might be helpful to playfully bring up the subject during a neutral conversation moment so not to put pressure on him during your time being sexual. You could say something like, “Sweetie, let’s talk about sex and ways we can maybe spice things up.” Or, you could ask him if he has any sexual fantasies that he would be willing to share with you to get a sense of whether this might be something he is interested in and hasn’t known how to bring it up with you. Even if he doesn’t have that specific fantasy, it would be a good lead in for you to share about having a fantasy about spanking.

As another alternative, you could rent a movie containing the subject (“The Secretary” is a good Hollywood movie) and have a discussion about it afterwards, asking your partner what he thought, and if he might want to try something like that.

There are also plenty of rentable adult films that deal with spanking. You can look online at places like bluedoor.com (kind of like a Netflix for porn). And there are instructional type videos such as “Nina Hartley’s Guide to Spanking,” and other DVDs on Amazon.com (search for “spanking DVDs”).

In looking around on the web, here’s an interesting blog about spanking. Perhaps you can share some of this with him, or make it a topic of discussion.

There is another article about men spanking women written by Dr. Victoria Zdrok that you might show him if you are interested in him spanking you. If you are interested in spanking him, you might want to both check out Spank Your Man.

If he is interested in the spanking, you might want to take it slowly with the spanker spanking the spankee’s bottom and the spankee saying a number between 1 and 10 to communicate intensity. That way, the spanker can get a sense of connecting how s/he swats with the spankee’s experience.

Good luck!

A: A “silent alarm” is a system you put in place to have a trusted friend or somebody else in the BDSM community acting as your back up safety person when you are playing or in a scene, especially when you are playing with new people. Sometimes it’s also called a “safe call”. This silent alarm person would know who you will be with, where you are going, and what your basic plans will be. Sometimes, plans are made to have you check in with your “silent alarm,” or have them call you, and they may call the police or investigate further if you do not call or answer the phone at the pre-decided time. Other times, this person will respond only if you call and ask for help.

An important way to ensure your safety and comfort when engaging in BDSM play is to have a safe word. This word will communicate to your partner what your degree of comfort or discomfort is with what you are doing. It helps to pick a word or words that you do not use regularly so that you don’t accidentally blurt them out and cause confusion. The colors of the stop light are a good place to start: Green means keep going, yellow means use a little caution, and red means stop.

The only real way to know if you like or dislike something is to try it. We recommend starting very slowly with activities you think you might enjoy, and paying very close attention to how you respond to them. If you think you won’t like something, it is always OK to say no, although there may be times where you will surprise yourself and enjoy a activity you were initially turned off by. If you do a little searching online, there are several comprehensive lists of BDSM activities. Many people engaging in BDSM play like to sit down with their partner with a list of activities and discuss the things they might enjoy, or the things they are not interested in trying. You can also sit down before looking at one of those lists and write up the activities you think you would or would not want to try.

When talking to a person you are going to play with, it is important to be open, honest, and clear about what you want and don’t want. While it might be a top’s goal to help you find new levels of pleasure and experience, it is always your right to set boundaries and expectations of what will happen.

You can find an example of an activities list and of a negotiation try Leather and Roses.

For more information about BDSM basics, you can review our website or try the Society of Janus website, or sexuality.org.

I am now all grown up an still have a huge desire concerning bondage, primarily concerning duct tape, gags, kidnap-and interrogation-fantasy. I want to get in a relationship concerning this, but I don’t know how to go about doing it. I don’t know how to tell, or if you can, if a woman wants to get involved with mutual sessions of the sort.

Let me be clear, I don’t want to have sex until I am married. Sure bondage has a sexual idea about it but it has a far wider appeal to it than just that. I can’t go to my family about any of this, I’ve probed them and can see that they have no religious tolerance for what I want to do. I am embarrassed to just approach a woman about this either. I have heard of BDSM clubs, but there are none within reach of me.

How do I develop a bondage relationship with a woman? I don’t know what to do or wear to go! Oh, and if it helps, I want to participate as a top and a bottom for the other’s enjoyment as well.

A: You mentioned BDSM clubs, and they can be a great place for someone to learn about BDSM and find other people interested in BDSM relationships. Since we don’t know where you’re e-mailing from we can’t give you more specific information on groups in your area, but try the Society of Janus for clubs near you.

While local communities tend to be the best way to meet people, if you are truly in a remote place then there are online personals for people interested in BSDM. Most websites of this type also have forums and groups for people living in certain areas. Extra care, of course, should be taken when meeting with someone in person if you only know them from the internet. The most popular personals site is bondage.com. When you meet someone from online it’s best to meet for coffee or other public place before getting intimate.

A quick note about terminology – if you’re looking to participate as both a top and a bottom you can be referred to as a “switch”. If you’re looking for a top and bottom female partner then she would also be a “switch”. You can find out a lot of the inside lingo and mores from books such as The Bottoming Book and The Topping Book by Dossie Easton & Catherine A. Liszt, or SM 101 by Jay Wiseman.

Thank you for any information you can provide. I have tried to search medical journals, medical websites, and the Internet with no luck. Being female I don’t ever see a urologist to ask.

A: Thanks for your questions about ball busting. It sounds as if you and your boyfriend have a pretty good idea of what you’re doing and how to do it safely – if he has been experimenting with it for 18+ years, he clearly knows what he likes! There are no long term side effects of ball busting, though it is possible that fertility might be effected in the short term. As far as short-term “side effects” or injuries, these would be the kind of injuries that you would perceive immediately, and also would need to be dealt with immediately.

The most serious risk is a rupture of the testicle. It will be obvious if this happens as bruising appears under the skin, the area swells, and your partner would become nauseated and in extreme pain. Another rare risk is testicular torsion which describes the condition when the testicle and cords become twisted inside the scrotum. There will be pain and swelling in that case as well. These injuries are usually caused by sudden impacts, impact with pointed objects, or pulling and twisting the area. With any extreme reaction such as swelling, bruising, and pain that don’t recede it is critical to go to the emergency room or risk permanent injury to the area.

It’s common for men to enjoy sensation on their balls. Some like soft touches and some like it harder. Since the area of the balls is generally considered delicate and vulnerable he may just be enjoying the power imbalance and risk. Since he is not into BDSM otherwise it sounds as if maybe it is mostly based in the physical sensation. That doesn’t exclude a psychological element – anticipation of extreme sensation and the extreme vulnerability mentioned above. It’s a blend of physical and psychological intensity that many people find arousing. But certainly it is not a matter of “crossed wires”, more a matter of personal preference.

By the way, the practice is more often called “cock and ball torture” or CBT than ball-busting. You might try looking that up if you have more questions.