So here’s where I took a leap. I told FriendX about this sexual attraction she has for him. He was pretty shocked, but was cool with the situation. We talked about whether a relationship could just be sex, and how she and I are happy as a couple. We broached the subject of setting something up in the near future, something along the lines of a surprise for my wife. Next weekend is her birthday. I was thinking about greeting her at the door with him next Friday night. Maybe telling her that he knows everything, etc and we should live out her fantasy. What do you think about this? Should I do this? Any suggestions about how to do this? What should I do if they start screwing around–its not like husbands hang out while their wives are having sex with their friend? And lastly is this/me/her normal???

A: First off, we really wouldn’t recommend springing this on your wife as a surprise. That might work out well, but it might also be extremely awkward. The two of you have talked about her attraction to FriendX as a fantasy, but very often there are differences between what people enjoy fantasizing about and what they actually want to do in real life. Also, fantasies tend to leave out a lot of the dull but important details. What kind of activities are okay and what’s out of bounds? What kind of protection will everyone be using against STDs or pregnancy? Who will be playing with who? If either of you gets uncomfortable or just isn’t having fun, do you have the right to call a stop and ask him to leave, even if the other partner is still into it? Will it be a one-time thing or ongoing? If it’s going to be ongoing, will it always be all three of you together, or would it be okay for her to have sex with him without you? Is this just about FriendX, or are you interested in opening your marriage in other ways–like you having other partners as well?

It would be useful to have a serious, explicit conversation with your wife to answer questions like these with the clear understanding that you’re talking about actually doing it–not just talking dirty while the two of you have sex.

That would be the best way to get your question about how you’re going to participate answered as well. There’s no right or wrong answer. Some husbands do hang out, or hang out and masturbate, while their wives have sex with other men. Some couples have threesomes where everyone participates. Some couples have open relationships where one partner might have sex with a third party while the other partner just goes and does something else. What’s important is that the arrangement be agreeable to everyone involved.

And as for your last question, there is a substantial minority of married couples who include some kind of consensual extramarital sex in their relationship. The Janus Report, which was a survey of sexual behavior done in the early nineties, concluded that around 10% of people in their first marriages had had threesomes. And as I talked about above, a threesome is only one style of extramarital sex. So maybe that number is under-counting. The exact percentage probably isn’t important: the point is that you’d be far from the only couple to have included a third party in your sex life.

What I’m actually getting at is how this has evolved to more deeply disturbing sexual fantasies involving the violent deaths of women. After watching particularly violent, gory movies I feel very stimulated and usually masturbate. I have such fantasies on many nights. Now, I’d like to make it clear that I would never, ever hurt anyone, I can’t even kill bugs without a guilty conscious. No part of me wants to commit any of these acts in reality, but I get way too sexually excited thinking about it. I know that fantasies are just fantasies and most of what I’ve read tells me there’s no such thing as sexually “normal”, but I can’t help feeling this is wrong. It’s distressing to have these thoughts and it is to the point where I can’t just dismiss them by thinking about something else. It doesn’t interfere with my daily life, just haunts me anytime I’m alone with my thoughts.

I guess my actual question is… should I seek help, such as therapy? Is it ok just to fantasize about such bad things?

A: Your anxiety is understandable–having fantasies about acts that would horrify you in real life can be seriously disturbing. But it’s also not uncommon. For some people, the wrongness of the fantasy is a big part of what makes it so hot in the first place. From what you write, it’s clear that you have a solid understanding of the difference between fantasy and reality. You don’t seem at all worried that you might ever act out the acts you fantasize about, and you don’t seem to feel dissatisfied with keeping them in the realm of fantasy.

We can’t tell you what you should do–that’s your decision to make. We can say that talk therapy might be helpful in either diffusing the power of the fantasies or easing your distress over having them. But many people in similar situations also just go on having and enjoying violent fantasies without that ever becoming a problem for them.

A: Aren’t dreams amazing? So, what you have experienced is only a dream. Just as simple as that. There’s nothing wrong with feeling interested in kissing a girl or a boy. You are 14 years old and are still getting used to your body, and other feelings that come up. Fantasies are fun to have. Figuring out if you really like boys or girls in reality is something you have lots of time to do. What you are experiencing is pretty normal, and just realize that there are other girls and boys who might feel the same way. Again, its normal to have dreams and also to wonder what is the right path for you.

A: Enjoying this activity with your wife is a completely normal thing to do. Many have often asked, and having this fantasy is completely normal. We’re sure there are many men who think about their girlfriend/wives having sex with other men while they watch. There is nothing wrong with it. People like fantasies and there’s nothing wrong with fantasies and imagination during sex.

Recently my wife met a guy that she is apparently attracted to. She told me that if she were to fuck someone in front of me, it would be him. Is this just cheating on her part? Can couples have this sort of relationship (I am not interested in having other women)? Is there a name for this? If we go ahead and she does make love with this other guy, are there any ways to deal with jealousy that may pop up?

A: Many people enjoy bringing another person into their relationship for a variety of reasons. It’s definitely best to be honest about your feelings on the subject together and work out some agreements around how this might happen for you. A discussion of capabilities, fantasies, and boundaries along the lines of what is suggested in The Ethical Slut would be a great idea!

Like you, some folks start out initially only wanting sex, and then this may or may not develop into an emotional connection. The danger here of course, is that while you, for example, may want it to remain purely sexual, your wife may develop feelings for her friend, and this difference in desires could cause tension in your marriage.

As for the reasons behind your fantasy, there are some theories from evolutionary psychology and human anthropology which suggest that perceived competition increases desire amongst both men and women. For example, sperm count increases dramatically for men who are away from their spouse for a few days.

While many married couples find it fun to play with this dynamic with another man, the risk is of course that the play may turn into a very real competition over your wife. It might be best to seek out men who have had successful experiences as “secondary” partners and are specifically not interested in challenging the primacy of your marriage.

Some couples find that after developing a sexual relationship with a third partner, they develop feeling for this person and move into wanting to incorporate this third person into their lives in a more comprehensive way. Others prefer to keep it in the purely sexual realm. Time and experience will reveal what the three of you truly desire together.

Be prepared to shop around for the right guy. As with any kind of dating, you might have to interview or even date several potential partners before finding the right fit.

For a discussion of topics such as these, especially regarding your question about handling jealousy in polyamorous relationships, you might go looking for a community locally or online. There are many Polyamory resources to be found on the Internet.