The last time I saw him, he requested that I fuck him while he pretended to be asleep. I did so, murmuring papa when I came. He loved it. Everything seemed great. A day later, we were making out, I called him Daddy, we were about to fuck, and his laundry timer went off. He went to get laundry, came back, and said he said he no longer wanted to be my lover. One minute hot, the next cold. When I asked, he said our relationship reminds him of the abuse.

Since then, nothing has changed between us except that now there’s no sex and no role-play. He’s told me he doesn’t think we will ever be lovers again.

I’m not sure what to think. This is my first time dealing with someone who has had this sort of past. Can you provide any insight into the situation? What is going on? What happened? What went wrong?

A: This sounds like a tough situation for both of you. It’s difficult to provide specific insight into your partner’s behavior or what he’s experiencing. Recovering from sexual abuse, and navigating adult sexuality as a survivor, is a very individual process.

One option for both of you, alone or together, is to seek counseling from a professional who has experience dealing with these issues. Your partner, of course, would have to choose this kind of help for himself; but remember that it is an option for you as well, since you care about him and may also have feelings and reactions you’d like to examine. The following website– http://www.aasect.org/ –links to a database of mental health professionals who have been certified to provide therapy around sexuality. If you search for mental health care providers in your area, their online listings will often include their areas of expertise. Alternately, you could start by talking to any LMFT (licensed marriage and family therapist), and he or she could refer you elsewhere if necessary.

We can also offer a few online resources created specifically for men who have been abused. These sites include sections for friends and loved ones of survivors, and contain a wealth of information you may find useful about how to care for yourself, and how you may be able to help him. They also include numbers for hotlines if you’d like to speak to someone over the phone, and further tips about finding counseling if you decide you want to.

http://www.1in6.org/

http://www.malesurvivor.org/default.html

http://www.sandf.org/forum/ (online discussion forum for friends and loved ones of survivors)

http://forge-forward.org/transviolence/partners.php (scroll down this page for a list of books/resources)

We hope some of this is helpful. Best of luck to you, and your partner.

I just feel like such a freak! And I know girls my age wouldn’t understand and would just laugh. I don’t want to get rid of it because I’m guessing it will give me more possibilities later in my sex life. I just want to do something about it! It’s building up inside me but I don’t feel I can tell ANYONE! It’s a thing I’ve carried with me all my life and I don’t hate having it, but not feeling like I can do anything about it! So my question is, can someone help me? I would like to “relieve” it somehow but I don’t know if that would still be considered sex or harmless. I want to relieve it, do something about it, you know? Just take care of it without getting rid of it! Having somebody to tell! Can someone help me with this?

A: Many people have sexual dreams and fantasies about things that they wouldn’t want to try in real life. Having these dreams does not mean you will ever actually do these things. Many people also have fetishes; these fetishes can definitely be part of a healthy sex life, and people are often able to find sexual partners who accept their fetishes and play right along.

If you are worried about your fetish, it might help to hear from others who have had similar experiences. The book “Fetish Sex: An Erotic Guide for Couples” by Violet Blue has some great information on fetishes in general (not just for couples). There are also good resources on the web: www.goaskalice.columbia.edu is a Q&A site devoted to sexuality, and there are several questions and answers there addressing foot fetishes.

Just keep in mind that having a fetish is not as “odd” as you might think. There are definitely others who can identify with you, and with a little searching, you can find some ideas for how to navigate your feelings until, and even after, you’re ready to share them with someone.

[ Cross posted from Yahoo! Answers, where this SFSI Answer was chosen best answer to this question. ]

I used to fantasize about this when I was younger, but placed this on the back burner.

I understand that this will be a tough topic to give advice on. What kind of advice can be given about this? What is the easiest way of getting into this? Do you know of any websites that has more info on this?

A: Scat play is a fetish greatly enjoyed by some people. It’s very possible to enjoy scat play in a healthy way.

The main risks are getting scat where it can cause an infection. Likely places of infection are urethra, vagina, mouth and eyes. Getting scat in your mouth can lead to throat or intestinal infections. It’s not as much a problem to get your own scat into your mouth as it is the scat of another person. Your immune system is already used to the flora in your scat. Washing the anus before rimming will greatly reduce the bacteria there but may not get it 100%.

Another risk is catching Hepatitis. If neither of you have Hepatitis then you can’t get it, but it is considered a safe move by many scat play fetishists to get the Hepatitis Vaccines anyway. That way you’re protected with all partners.

As for how to get started, you just need to find out what is hot for you and your girlfriend. You might try acting out one of her fantasies first, as a show of support for her honest communication. Then you can think about what is hot for you about the scat play or other fantasies you may have. You may need to get a couple extra sheets and towels to cover your regular bedding, so you can be spontaneous with the play.

Go Ask Alice has a lot of info about scat play, rimming and A2V(agina).

A: Many people have fetishes similar to yours. Some people feel embarrassed by them and seek help, and others learn to live with their fetish or even embrace it by joining a community of like-minded people.

You may choose to incorporate your fetish into your sex life with your girlfriend. Fortunately for you, the wearing of spandex is socially acceptable, especially for workout clothing. Your anxiety about your girlfriend’s reaction may be much worse than her actual reaction would be. You may be able to incorporate your fetish into your sex life in a limited way that both of you would be comfortable with.

There is a book called When Someone You Love is Kinky, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt that might be useful in explaining your fetish to your girlfriend.

It sounds like you are concerned about the way your fetish is expressed, such as your desire to show it off. A sex therapist may be able to help you to overcome these tendencies so you can keep it a private matter. Eliminating a fetish altogether is quite difficult. There is usually more success in limiting the expression of the fetish. For example, wearing only a small amount of spandex or only wearing it once a week may be acceptable to you and your girlfriend.

There is more information on finding a sex therapist and what sex therapists do on the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists website.

What I’m actually getting at is how this has evolved to more deeply disturbing sexual fantasies involving the violent deaths of women. After watching particularly violent, gory movies I feel very stimulated and usually masturbate. I have such fantasies on many nights. Now, I’d like to make it clear that I would never, ever hurt anyone, I can’t even kill bugs without a guilty conscious. No part of me wants to commit any of these acts in reality, but I get way too sexually excited thinking about it. I know that fantasies are just fantasies and most of what I’ve read tells me there’s no such thing as sexually “normal”, but I can’t help feeling this is wrong. It’s distressing to have these thoughts and it is to the point where I can’t just dismiss them by thinking about something else. It doesn’t interfere with my daily life, just haunts me anytime I’m alone with my thoughts.

I guess my actual question is… should I seek help, such as therapy? Is it ok just to fantasize about such bad things?

A: Your anxiety is understandable–having fantasies about acts that would horrify you in real life can be seriously disturbing. But it’s also not uncommon. For some people, the wrongness of the fantasy is a big part of what makes it so hot in the first place. From what you write, it’s clear that you have a solid understanding of the difference between fantasy and reality. You don’t seem at all worried that you might ever act out the acts you fantasize about, and you don’t seem to feel dissatisfied with keeping them in the realm of fantasy.

We can’t tell you what you should do–that’s your decision to make. We can say that talk therapy might be helpful in either diffusing the power of the fantasies or easing your distress over having them. But many people in similar situations also just go on having and enjoying violent fantasies without that ever becoming a problem for them.

A: We are unaware of any research on how the behavior develops, but the reason people do it is because many people feel that it provides a very pleasurable orgasm. Auto-erotic asphyxiation is a moderately common sexual act and fantasy. It also can be a highly dangerous activity if not practiced carefully. There have been many documented deaths, some of rather famous people, who have died during asphyxiation accidents.

Wikipedia has good information on the subject at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotic_asphyxiation

Additionally, there are *safer* (nothing is ever safe) methods of practice. One of the best is to have a safety person physically present (in the room, aware of what’s going on, sober). Even if they are not participating in the act, they can help if something goes terribly wrong.

Eventually I might share all this with my wife/girlfriend but there in lies the problem. I am a good looking guy and I get a fair amount of attention from women, and I really want to take advantage of it. I want to be able to frivolously have sex with a woman without having to do her in the ass, have her do me in the ass, or have me dressed as a woman. I want to be able to turn myself on more by traditional penis in vagina sex. I fear this is going to impede my hunt for finding the right girl for me as I have to have this giant disclaimer first. I am seriously fine with having these desires stored in me and will use them when I feel comfortable with bringing them out, but what I want most is to be able to just date and have sex with regular women and still feel satisfied. Any help would be great.

A: Here are a few suggestions:

- Find some penis-vagina porn that turns you on and excites you. If you do this, you could save this in your memory bank to use for masturbation or while having sex and it can be exciting rather than just that thing that doesn’t turn you on.

- Do not masturbate a few days prior to having sex. This can help you maintain an erection for a longer period of time. Using a cock-ring could work too since it restricts blood flow to the penis and keeps the erection harder longer. We recommend one made of rubber, velcro or one that snaps so that it is easy to remove if you need to.

- Try using a different method for penis-vagina sex by giving a hand-job, blow-job or using a sex toy.

- Find like-minded people on websites, like alt.com or okcupid.com, who are interested in anal sex, even anal and transsexual porn.

Sometimes sex is just about having sex. It doesn’t necessarily mean having perfect sex all the time. Every sexual experience does not need to be a perfect 10. If you walk into a potential sexual experience knowing that it can be good, but not necessarily great, it might help you to feel more comfortable and aroused by the activities that you do end up having. You can definitely be OK and satisfied with having “regular” sex, but it is something that might not ever be equally enjoyable to you as some of the other activities you engage in.

Some women are into anal sex too. Other women may not be into penis-vagina sex at all. There are all sorts of potential partners out there!

A: There are several ways you can bring up the topic. For instance, it might be helpful to playfully bring up the subject during a neutral conversation moment so not to put pressure on him during your time being sexual. You could say something like, “Sweetie, let’s talk about sex and ways we can maybe spice things up.” Or, you could ask him if he has any sexual fantasies that he would be willing to share with you to get a sense of whether this might be something he is interested in and hasn’t known how to bring it up with you. Even if he doesn’t have that specific fantasy, it would be a good lead in for you to share about having a fantasy about spanking.

As another alternative, you could rent a movie containing the subject (“The Secretary” is a good Hollywood movie) and have a discussion about it afterwards, asking your partner what he thought, and if he might want to try something like that.

There are also plenty of rentable adult films that deal with spanking. You can look online at places like bluedoor.com (kind of like a Netflix for porn). And there are instructional type videos such as “Nina Hartley’s Guide to Spanking,” and other DVDs on Amazon.com (search for “spanking DVDs”).

In looking around on the web, here’s an interesting blog about spanking. Perhaps you can share some of this with him, or make it a topic of discussion.

There is another article about men spanking women written by Dr. Victoria Zdrok that you might show him if you are interested in him spanking you. If you are interested in spanking him, you might want to both check out Spank Your Man.

If he is interested in the spanking, you might want to take it slowly with the spanker spanking the spankee’s bottom and the spankee saying a number between 1 and 10 to communicate intensity. That way, the spanker can get a sense of connecting how s/he swats with the spankee’s experience.

Good luck!

Of course I want to act upon my desire, but my desire to be wholly normal – and confident in my sexuality, I think – is stronger. I am white, and I’ve noticed that my fetish is really only common in other white people. My boyfriend is not white and not kinky. I love him and I don’t want to make him feel estranged.

Please do not try to reassure me that my fetish is normal or okay. I really want it gone. I would greatly appreciate any advice or insight you can give me.

A: Thank you for your very interesting question. As you have specifically requested, we will not reassure you that your fetish is normal or okay, as it obviously is not for you. We can say that it is very normal not to be comfortable or okay with your fetishes. In fact, a big part of the attraction to most fetishes is that they are taboo in the first place and that adds to the excitement of acting them out.

As a source of information related to sex we are often asked questions about all varieties of fetishes but usually we are asked for resources for the questioner who wants to delve deeper into their particular fetish. In your case there is not much that we can tell you unless you want to learn more about the fetish of spanking to see what it is about this fetish that you find troubling.

If on the other hand you simply want to overcome this fetish that would be a task we would defer to professional counselors or therapist who specialize in CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) or other therapies that are designed to help people overcome behaviors or aspects of their characters they wish to change.

In case you want take this route and would like some referrals we suggest you might try AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) at www.aasect.org.

A: We know that some people drink blood directly from the body and some people drink blood that has been previously drawn. The risk of each may vary.

If it is your own blood there is no risk. However, if it is someone else’s blood than there is a risk and, if you are unsure of their status, that risk is higher.

The diseases that are of most concern would be HIV and Hepatitis B & C and there are lesser but varying risks for other STDs.

HIV is known as a dangerous virus but it is also a fairly fragile virus. If the blood was directly from the person it would be a higher risk if you have small cuts in your mouth, possibly from brushing or flossing your teeth, that you may be unaware of. It may also get into small cuts that are on your lips or hands if the blood gets in contact with those areas. If the blood was previously drawn and exposed to air for a period of time or stored refrigerated the risk would be reduced as the HIV virus would be less likely to survive in either environment. In addition the HIV virus does not survive long when it comes in contact with either saliva or the digestive acids in the stomach

The Hepatitis virus however is much more resilient and can survive much longer than the HIV virus. For this reason there is a high risk of contracting Hepatitis if you were exposed to and drink blood that was contaminated. There are vaccines for Hepatitis A & B you can get for protection.

Piercings, if they have healed, are not considered open wounds. They do however provide an area that is at increased risk for irritations and those irritations may allow a virus or disease to enter the body.