What I’m actually getting at is how this has evolved to more deeply disturbing sexual fantasies involving the violent deaths of women. After watching particularly violent, gory movies I feel very stimulated and usually masturbate. I have such fantasies on many nights. Now, I’d like to make it clear that I would never, ever hurt anyone, I can’t even kill bugs without a guilty conscious. No part of me wants to commit any of these acts in reality, but I get way too sexually excited thinking about it. I know that fantasies are just fantasies and most of what I’ve read tells me there’s no such thing as sexually “normal”, but I can’t help feeling this is wrong. It’s distressing to have these thoughts and it is to the point where I can’t just dismiss them by thinking about something else. It doesn’t interfere with my daily life, just haunts me anytime I’m alone with my thoughts.

I guess my actual question is… should I seek help, such as therapy? Is it ok just to fantasize about such bad things?

A: Your anxiety is understandable–having fantasies about acts that would horrify you in real life can be seriously disturbing. But it’s also not uncommon. For some people, the wrongness of the fantasy is a big part of what makes it so hot in the first place. From what you write, it’s clear that you have a solid understanding of the difference between fantasy and reality. You don’t seem at all worried that you might ever act out the acts you fantasize about, and you don’t seem to feel dissatisfied with keeping them in the realm of fantasy.

We can’t tell you what you should do–that’s your decision to make. We can say that talk therapy might be helpful in either diffusing the power of the fantasies or easing your distress over having them. But many people in similar situations also just go on having and enjoying violent fantasies without that ever becoming a problem for them.

A: We are unaware of any research on how the behavior develops, but the reason people do it is because many people feel that it provides a very pleasurable orgasm. Auto-erotic asphyxiation is a moderately common sexual act and fantasy. It also can be a highly dangerous activity if not practiced carefully. There have been many documented deaths, some of rather famous people, who have died during asphyxiation accidents.

Wikipedia has good information on the subject at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erotic_asphyxiation

Additionally, there are *safer* (nothing is ever safe) methods of practice. One of the best is to have a safety person physically present (in the room, aware of what’s going on, sober). Even if they are not participating in the act, they can help if something goes terribly wrong.

Eventually I might share all this with my wife/girlfriend but there in lies the problem. I am a good looking guy and I get a fair amount of attention from women, and I really want to take advantage of it. I want to be able to frivolously have sex with a woman without having to do her in the ass, have her do me in the ass, or have me dressed as a woman. I want to be able to turn myself on more by traditional penis in vagina sex. I fear this is going to impede my hunt for finding the right girl for me as I have to have this giant disclaimer first. I am seriously fine with having these desires stored in me and will use them when I feel comfortable with bringing them out, but what I want most is to be able to just date and have sex with regular women and still feel satisfied. Any help would be great.

A: Here are a few suggestions:

- Find some penis-vagina porn that turns you on and excites you. If you do this, you could save this in your memory bank to use for masturbation or while having sex and it can be exciting rather than just that thing that doesn’t turn you on.

- Do not masturbate a few days prior to having sex. This can help you maintain an erection for a longer period of time. Using a cock-ring could work too since it restricts blood flow to the penis and keeps the erection harder longer. We recommend one made of rubber, velcro or one that snaps so that it is easy to remove if you need to.

- Try using a different method for penis-vagina sex by giving a hand-job, blow-job or using a sex toy.

- Find like-minded people on websites, like alt.com or okcupid.com, who are interested in anal sex, even anal and transsexual porn.

Sometimes sex is just about having sex. It doesn’t necessarily mean having perfect sex all the time. Every sexual experience does not need to be a perfect 10. If you walk into a potential sexual experience knowing that it can be good, but not necessarily great, it might help you to feel more comfortable and aroused by the activities that you do end up having. You can definitely be OK and satisfied with having “regular” sex, but it is something that might not ever be equally enjoyable to you as some of the other activities you engage in.

Some women are into anal sex too. Other women may not be into penis-vagina sex at all. There are all sorts of potential partners out there!

A: There are several ways you can bring up the topic. For instance, it might be helpful to playfully bring up the subject during a neutral conversation moment so not to put pressure on him during your time being sexual. You could say something like, “Sweetie, let’s talk about sex and ways we can maybe spice things up.” Or, you could ask him if he has any sexual fantasies that he would be willing to share with you to get a sense of whether this might be something he is interested in and hasn’t known how to bring it up with you. Even if he doesn’t have that specific fantasy, it would be a good lead in for you to share about having a fantasy about spanking.

As another alternative, you could rent a movie containing the subject (“The Secretary” is a good Hollywood movie) and have a discussion about it afterwards, asking your partner what he thought, and if he might want to try something like that.

There are also plenty of rentable adult films that deal with spanking. You can look online at places like bluedoor.com (kind of like a Netflix for porn). And there are instructional type videos such as “Nina Hartley’s Guide to Spanking,” and other DVDs on Amazon.com (search for “spanking DVDs”).

In looking around on the web, here’s an interesting blog about spanking. Perhaps you can share some of this with him, or make it a topic of discussion.

There is another article about men spanking women written by Dr. Victoria Zdrok that you might show him if you are interested in him spanking you. If you are interested in spanking him, you might want to both check out Spank Your Man.

If he is interested in the spanking, you might want to take it slowly with the spanker spanking the spankee’s bottom and the spankee saying a number between 1 and 10 to communicate intensity. That way, the spanker can get a sense of connecting how s/he swats with the spankee’s experience.

Good luck!

Of course I want to act upon my desire, but my desire to be wholly normal – and confident in my sexuality, I think – is stronger. I am white, and I’ve noticed that my fetish is really only common in other white people. My boyfriend is not white and not kinky. I love him and I don’t want to make him feel estranged.

Please do not try to reassure me that my fetish is normal or okay. I really want it gone. I would greatly appreciate any advice or insight you can give me.

A: Thank you for your very interesting question. As you have specifically requested, we will not reassure you that your fetish is normal or okay, as it obviously is not for you. We can say that it is very normal not to be comfortable or okay with your fetishes. In fact, a big part of the attraction to most fetishes is that they are taboo in the first place and that adds to the excitement of acting them out.

As a source of information related to sex we are often asked questions about all varieties of fetishes but usually we are asked for resources for the questioner who wants to delve deeper into their particular fetish. In your case there is not much that we can tell you unless you want to learn more about the fetish of spanking to see what it is about this fetish that you find troubling.

If on the other hand you simply want to overcome this fetish that would be a task we would defer to professional counselors or therapist who specialize in CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) or other therapies that are designed to help people overcome behaviors or aspects of their characters they wish to change.

In case you want take this route and would like some referrals we suggest you might try AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) at www.aasect.org.

A: We know that some people drink blood directly from the body and some people drink blood that has been previously drawn. The risk of each may vary.

If it is your own blood there is no risk. However, if it is someone else’s blood than there is a risk and, if you are unsure of their status, that risk is higher.

The diseases that are of most concern would be HIV and Hepatitis B & C and there are lesser but varying risks for other STDs.

HIV is known as a dangerous virus but it is also a fairly fragile virus. If the blood was directly from the person it would be a higher risk if you have small cuts in your mouth, possibly from brushing or flossing your teeth, that you may be unaware of. It may also get into small cuts that are on your lips or hands if the blood gets in contact with those areas. If the blood was previously drawn and exposed to air for a period of time or stored refrigerated the risk would be reduced as the HIV virus would be less likely to survive in either environment. In addition the HIV virus does not survive long when it comes in contact with either saliva or the digestive acids in the stomach

The Hepatitis virus however is much more resilient and can survive much longer than the HIV virus. For this reason there is a high risk of contracting Hepatitis if you were exposed to and drink blood that was contaminated. There are vaccines for Hepatitis A & B you can get for protection.

Piercings, if they have healed, are not considered open wounds. They do however provide an area that is at increased risk for irritations and those irritations may allow a virus or disease to enter the body.

A: There is no proof of an increase need for shock or hardcore porn with continued viewing. It is true that some people enjoy a new angle or theme to their porn over time. However, many people keep watching the same basic stuff over and over and never look for something different. It really is a matter of personal preference. We can’t say if you are in a trend. You may have finally found your ideal porn and be happy watching the PublicDisgrace.com stuff as it comes out. Only you can know for sure.

What does your worrier side worry about, specifically? That you have a porn addiction? That you will have a desire to act out fantasies in real life? If you feel that it is actually becoming a problem for you we suggest seeing a sex therapist. Please email us for references or if you have more questions about this topic. But if your concern is that porn viewing is a “slippery-slope” towards hardcore kink you can stop worrying.

A: While shit play (a.k.a. copraphilia) may not be the most common fetish, there are certainly other people who enjoy it, and there is nothing wrong with it as long as you are being safe, sane, and consensual if you play with any partners.

However, we recommend that you don’t rub it on your pussy. Fecal matter contains many different types of bacteria and microorganisms which cause vaginal infections. You might consider using some type of protective barrier, such as a dental dam or saran wrap.

A: Enjoying this activity with your wife is a completely normal thing to do. Many have often asked, and having this fantasy is completely normal. We’re sure there are many men who think about their girlfriend/wives having sex with other men while they watch. There is nothing wrong with it. People like fantasies and there’s nothing wrong with fantasies and imagination during sex.

My fetish’s accepted name is been Wet and Messy fetish. It is featured on sex websites that I’ve been visiting since I got the Internet at age 13. Now I’ve been to many sites seeing how I can stop this fetish of mine. It’s one that I no longer want to practice with my partners because I feel it damages the relationship a bit. Personally, I cannot stop watching videos containing females getting, slimed, pied, food fights and so on. I feel maybe it seemed from the extensive amounts of Nickelodeon that I watched as a kid. Regardless that is not helping me solve the problem…

Recently, I’ve been visiting pay sites and various videos on YouTube, not necessarily sexually related, just ones featuring women. I watch them any chance I can get. As far as the pay sites, I have spent over 300 dollars on videos that I’ve in turn deleted in hopes of curtailing by viewing.

Interestingly enough, I have had partners that have partaken and enjoyed this with me, however I feel it is costly and I’m starting to have to conserve food as it is because expenses are getting tight.

Can you help?

A: It sounds like your fetish is a lovely interest that is causing you some discomfort in your life, via financial matters. We can certainly suggest some strategies for you to approach your situation, although we cannot help you to overcome it per se.

It seems like you are ok with the fetish itself, but worried about how much money or time it is taking out to engage in it. Perhaps you are also worried about the lack of control or obsession that is taking over your life. So, you would like to scale down on your fascination with your fetish.

Of course, the first thing we can recommend is – try to minimize your spending and video watching. Learn what your triggers are, learn how to cope with your obsessions and impulsive behavior. Change your routine or dedicate only certain hours of the day, or certain days, to engage in your fetish, thus adding an element of structure to the affair.

If you have troubles withdrawing by yourself, you can try to attend Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous , or other support groups, to learn how other people cope with their addictive behaviors. The plus of going to a 12 step group is that it’s a non judgmental supportive community, and it is a common thing for people to call each other when they feel triggered to engage in the behavior that they try to reduce.

You could also try to find an affordable therapist who specializes in sex education. AASECT is a national association of sex therapists who might give you a referral for a practitioner in your area.

There is a high chance that if you try to place personal ads on www.craigslist.org or personal papers there will be a willing soul or two to engage in your fetish with you. This will reduce your spending on videos, and will also take it outside the context of long term relationships.

We hope that these suggestions are helpful.