A: Thanks for your question. You wrote to us that you have yet to have an orgasm with your boyfriend. Orgasms can be pretty elusive, and it is not uncommon for women to have difficulty attaining an orgasm through intercourse alone.

The primary thing to consider is whether you’ve had an orgasm on your own yet (through masturbation). If you have not, familiarizing yourself with the sexual response of your own body can help you build the skills to have orgasms through sex with a partner. For tips on women’s self-pleasure, we suggest a book called Tickle Your Fancy by Sadie Allison.

Once familiar with your body’s sexual response, a few things can aid you in having an orgasm through sex with your boyfriend. One of the most helpful things can be foreplay, as female bodies sometimes need a little more time to become totally aroused than male bodies. Foreplay can include having him give you oral sex, kissing, or having him massage your clitoris before (and/or while) you have sex.

Additionally, using a vibrators on your clitoris during sex helps some women have orgasms, as does experimenting with different sexual positions.