He always was easy to turn on, and so never dealt with pleasing a woman when he wasn’t. Now he’s with me and I’m still, in my late 60s, substantially sexual. He’s thinking about whether he can get into pleasing me when he’s not aroused. I’m wondering what your advice is on this and I look forward to hearing from you. I am concerned that he will leave me hanging when I’ve got miles left to go my thinking is that each of us, whatever our capacity, should be filled up by the time we quit, but I don’t want to have to pull him to get what I need.

A: First we recommend you talk to him about your needs and your desire for him to participate in fulfilling your needs. People participate in partner sex for many reasons. Some people just want to get their own needs met and may not have previous partners request more. You may want to suggest he works on getting you off before you do anything to get him off. You may tell him all the things you will do to him right after you get off. Many men get excited by hearing dirty talk, but still need direct stimulation for orgasm. If you engaged in vaginal/penis sex you may experiment with different positions. Rear entry while on the side on a spooning position frees one of his hands to provide direct stimulation to your clit. You may also want to consider bringing a vibrator into your play together. Many women find that they can get off faster with a vibrator thus matching his need for shorter play. You may ask him to use the vibrator on you. If he is still reluctant, you two may want to considered couples counseling.

1. My girlfriend was very hot in the beginning but now her desire for sex is almost finished. A year ago when I sucked her nipple she moaned and lift her legs and became so hot, but now she does not like nipple sucking or pussy licking. How I can improve the situation?

2. She had a “traditional smell” in her vagina in the beginning when we met but now her vagina is without any kind of smell. Can she get back that smell?

A: It sounds as though your girlfriend is experiencing a low point in her libido, or sexual excitability. This could explain the change in her vaginal odor as well. There are many possible reasons for a lack of sexual arousal:

For example, she may have a medical condition, so she might definitely want to consider ruling this out with a visit to her medical doctor.

Or she may be experiencing some sort of psychological condition affecting her libido. A licensed psychotherapist who has developed a scope of practice which includes sexual issues would be a good person to consult. Depression can greatly reduce a person’s interest in sex. Feeling stressed out could also be a cause.

One common common reason for a lack of interest in sex is that she has become a bit bored. You might want to ask her about this – for example, if there is anything in particular that she desires now in your sex play to spice things up? Many people find that by changing positions, including more or less talking or vocalization during sex, trying out role playing, costumes, or other fantasies they are able to rekindle their passions.

It’s quite normal for couples to go through a “honeymoon period” of six months to two years where the sex is hot, and then sex often declines in frequency and intensity as the relationship begins to settle into a more comfortable long-term pattern.

After three long term relationships one which included 15 years of marriage I don’t want another relationship, because all the partners I have met have trouble keeping up with my libido. And when the sex stops I want out. Am I just immature or am I suffering from OCD?

I heard about this new or old therapy called Tantric massage which I assume is aimed at approaching sex from a spiritual perspective allowing one to focus on pleasing ones partner instead pleasing ones self. Don’t get me wrong I was into giving my partners massages, showering them with gifts, romance (writing poems) and ensuring they had a great time or at least pretended to. I wonder is Tantra real or is it just an excuse to make 200 bucks per hour for a massage?

A: Most people wonder if they are normal from time to time. This seems to be a feature of being human. Different people have different sex drives. Some people do report they have a high sex drive such as yours. And as you point out, libido can ebb and flow over the lifespan.

In most relationships there is a “honeymoon period” of six months to two years, after which time the sex quiets down a bit and people make a decision to either accept that or move on. Sounds like you’re no longer interested in accepting less sex in your relationships.

Many people desire a single big “R” long-term relationship, while others find that they prefer to meet their sexual needs with more casual relationships. Still others find ways to have both long-term relationships and casual sex partners at the same time. Open relationships, polyamory, and swinging are three examples of how some folks work this out.

Regarding your questions about OCD or possible “insanity,” you might want to consider consulting with a licensed psychotherapist for a professional diagnosis. We can’t really answer that for you.

Opinions about Tantra do vary widely. While as you say some do see it as a way to make 200 bucks per hour for a “sensual massage,” adherents of Tantra would likely say that it is a highly spiritual and comprehensive way of being in the world, which includes sexuality. Tantric sex study is a small part of the larger Tantra philosophy.

You might find that connecting with the Tantra community would provide you with what you seem to seek: a way to meet a variety of new sex partners who approach what some would consider to be casual sex with spiritual reverence and a sense of loving kindness. Works for some, not for others. The only way to find out would be to investigate further.