A: We can’t tell you for certain why you’re having difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner, but we can suggest some possibilities for you to think about. The first question to ask yourself is whether you feel like the issue is more about sensation or more about what’s going on in your head.

Masturbation with your hand can provide tighter, more intense, or just plain different stimulation than oral, vaginal or anal sex. So it’s possible that you’re not getting the kind of sensation that gets you to orgasm from partnered sex. Have you tried masturbating while you’re with a partner? Perhaps having sex until you’re ready to orgasm and then “finishing off” with your hand. You might also have success trying different activities or positions during partnered sex. Perhaps a position that allows for deeper penetration, or playing with your balls during sex, for example. Different people prefer different techniques and sensations, so the thing to do is experiment and see what turns you on and gets you off.

On the other hand, perhaps the issue has more to do with how you’re feeling mentally or emotionally during sex with a partner. Much of what goes into orgasm and sexual pleasure is mental, and all the stimulation in the world won’t do the trick if your head isn’t in the right place. Some people get caught up in anxiety about their performance, for example, or feel conflicted about fantasizing while with a partner. If you’re feeling like there’s something keeping you from getting in the right headspace during partnered sex, you could take some introspective time to think about what exactly it is and what’s causing it. Sometimes mental issues benefit from working with a professional sex therapist, but sometimes they can be resolved just by thinking them through and perhaps talking with your partner about changes you could make in your sex together. For example, some people find that they need lots of evidence of their partner’s pleasure in order to get in the right headspace for orgasm, and they might get that by asking their partners to talk dirty and express their enjoyment during sex.

A: You might be able to have more orgasms if you don’t stop after the first one. If you want to last longer before your first orgasm, you can try using the stop and start technique. Try to change, reduce, or stop the physical stimulation you are receiving when you feel you are getting close to orgasm, then resume it a few seconds later when you are a little less excited. To change the stimulation you are receiving, you could change position or speed. Practicing this technique during masturbation may be helpful as well.

[ Cross posted from Yahoo! Answers, where this SFSI Answer was chosen best answer to this question. ]

A: Whether you are a male or female, the best thing you can do is to figure out what feels good to you. If you’re able to orgasm through masturbation, pay attention to what works for you both physically and mentally. It’s preferable that you feel comfortable with your sexual partner- comfortable enough that you can communicate this issue to him or her, not be worrying about it during sex, and be willing to try different things with time and without pressure to succeed right away.

[ Cross posted from Yahoo! Answers, where this SFSI Answer was chosen best answer to this question. ]

My other question is what exactly is retrograde ejaculation? What are the risks of it and how would one do it? Since I heard that it goes into the bladder so when in the bladder does it dissolve, does it come out when you pee, or what exactly happens?

A: There are many reasons a man may have difficulty ejaculating. Without knowing the specific cause of your friend’s difficulty, it is not possible to give you a sure-fire method to get him off. Also, even though they tend to happen in unison, ejaculation and orgasm are two different things and one can happen without the other.

For many men with this problem, the difficulty is psychological, and often a response to pressure to ejaculate, or other stresses in life. If this is the cause, the best way to approach it is without focus on the grand finale. Just play with touch and experiment with what turns him on and feels good in the moment. Sexual pleasure does not have to focus on building to the climax. Often, when a male becomes more comfortable with letting himself enjoy sexual play, the pleasure climaxes to ejaculation more easily. Finding what really turns him on can help as well. Sometimes what really gets a person going can be a surprise even to them. Viewing a variety of porn can help a person find what they respond to.

There’s also the possibility the problem may be medical. Blood pressure issues and diabetes are two common sources of problems with ejaculation and maintaining erections. Getting a physical and consulting with a doctor can either confirm or eliminate medical conditions as a cause.

Retrograde ejaculation can be caused by medical conditions such as diabetes, or can be accomplished purposefully through tantric practices. The muscles in the base of the penis clamp down forcing the semen back up to the bladder. The semen does come out during urination, giving the the urine a cloudy look.

A: The quantity of ejaculate can vary widely from one man to another, and is generally about a half a teaspoon to a full teaspoon (.1 ml to 10 ml). In porn one most often sees very large amounts, which is not exactly the average, and sometimes is actually fake. The quantity can also decrease with age, although again, that varies from person to person.

For most men, there are different factors that can affect semen volume, such as the amount of time between ejaculations, general health and hydration, and the amount of stimulation leading up to ejaculation.

If you are concerned that he has an abnormally low volume of ejaculate, he might want to ask his doctor. There are some rare cases when this might indicate some other kind of problem.

A: First of all, 2-10 minutes is actually the typical time for a male to reach orgasm, and at your age it is absolutely normal to reach orgasm very quickly. Secondly, many girls would prefer a shorter session to a session that lasts for hours because long sessions of PV sex can lead to pain for women.

As far as suggestions go:

-One thing you can do (if you’re comfortable with masturbation) is to bring yourself close to the point of orgasm, then pause to allow the orgasm cycle to relax, then continue until you get close again, and repeat. This can help train yourself into lasting longer.

-You can also take short breaks during intercourse (engage in other sexual activity- such as oral sex) to essentially do the same thing and extend the session.

-They also make condoms that are thicker than usual to decrease sensitivity, and condoms that contain a desensitizing substance on the inside (Durex Performax, for example).

Also, worrying/thinking about coming too soon will be likely to increase the chance of it happening. Try to relax, have a good time, and you’ll be fine.

[ Cross posted from Yahoo! Answers, where this SFSI Answer was chosen best answer to this question. ]

What could this be? I know she wouldn’t taste anything if I ejaculated way down the throat. But given the sensations that I felt I think something might have happened differently. I think it was an inward or non-ejaculatory orgasm. Could it be?

A: Thank you for your question. There are several possible explanations for your experience. It is possible that you experienced a full body orgasm without ejaculation. Often men who report having full body orgasm state that they are still full of erotic desire and are able to continue their sexual activity. Some men work hard to learn how to experience a full body orgasm without ejaculation. So is that is what happen to you consider yourself gifted.

It also possible that you had a retrograde ejaculation. Retrograde ejaculation occurs when semen enters the bladder instead of emerging through the penis during orgasm. Although you still reach sexual climax, you may ejaculate very little or no semen. This is called a dry orgasm. Retrograde ejaculation isn’t harmful, but it can cause male infertility.

Retrograde ejaculation can be caused by medications, such as high blood pressure or mood disorder medications, health conditions, such as diabetes, or surgeries that affect the nerves or muscles that control the bladder opening. If retrograde ejaculation is caused by a drug you’re taking, stopping the drug may be an effective treatment. For retrograde ejaculation due to a health condition or as a result of surgery, treatment with drugs may restore normal ejaculation and fertility. But treatment for retrograde ejaculation is generally only needed to restore fertility. Some men experience retrograde ejaculations only once in awhile most of their ejaculations emerge through the penis.

It is also possible that your girlfriend did not notice or taste your ejaculation due to something she ate or drank prior that had desensitize her mouth, or it was in her throat as you suggested

A: You said that you have tried masturbating, which is a really good way to find out what feels good and what doesn’t. What kind of techniques are you using? Have you tried using lubrication? A lot of people find clitoral stimulation can be really pleasing, directly or indirectly (touching or rubbing it with your hand and some lube, rubbing that general area with a soft object, or using a vibrator or shower massager). Many people especially find it easy to climax using a vibrator. You could also try a back massager, which can be found at any pharmacy or drugstore.

It can be helpful to experiment on your own to see what you may like, and then later try it out with a partner. Make sure that you talk to your partner before and during sex, and don’t be afraid to tell them if something feels good or bad. Also, be sure to go slowly and use enough lube. Lubrication can make a huge difference in how pleasurable sex may feel.

Keep in mind that not everyone enjoys oral sex, and people’s tastes and preferences definitely vary. It doesn’t hurt to try, but don’t get discouraged if you’re not loving the sensations.

Lastly, it’s probably a good idea to go to your doctor for an annual exam. They can make sure that everything is working just fine, and answer any other questions you may have.

Second question is that I use the water (in the shower) to masturbate – sort of like in the jaccuzzi. I like the water pressure but I have heard that by doing that I am putting my future pregnancy at risk since I am not sure if there is water going inside me or not.. it’s on the surface.

Will you please let me know if what I am doing is risky.

A: In response to your first question, many people experience pain, tingling and/or numbness in the extremities after orgasm. Some people experience this every time while others occasionally or never feel it. If the pain really bothers you, you could try various relaxing positions, in which you aren’t actively engaging your arm. Such as lying on your back or side without putting weight on that arm and see if that helps. It also might be useful to consciously focus on keeping that arm relaxed during orgasm. If this continues or is acute, consult a physician.

To answer your second question, using water is a great way to masturbate and it will not effect your future fertility. The water is entering your vagina but it can not travel all the way up to your ovaries, therefore it will not cause reduced-fertility. Olympic swimmers spend most of their lives in the water and are able to get pregnant without problems.

A: Thanks for your question. You wrote to us that you have yet to have an orgasm with your boyfriend. Orgasms can be pretty elusive, and it is not uncommon for women to have difficulty attaining an orgasm through intercourse alone.

The primary thing to consider is whether you’ve had an orgasm on your own yet (through masturbation). If you have not, familiarizing yourself with the sexual response of your own body can help you build the skills to have orgasms through sex with a partner. For tips on women’s self-pleasure, we suggest a book called Tickle Your Fancy by Sadie Allison.

Once familiar with your body’s sexual response, a few things can aid you in having an orgasm through sex with your boyfriend. One of the most helpful things can be foreplay, as female bodies sometimes need a little more time to become totally aroused than male bodies. Foreplay can include having him give you oral sex, kissing, or having him massage your clitoris before (and/or while) you have sex.

Additionally, using a vibrators on your clitoris during sex helps some women have orgasms, as does experimenting with different sexual positions.