A: It’s common that women don’t feel their partner ejaculating inside of them; many other women report this. While there are nerve endings in the vagina, most are close to the vaginal entrance rather than deeper inside.

Many women do report that they can tell when their partner is coming from *other* cues, like you said — changes in expressions or tenseness in the body or other ways.

When he wants sex, which is almost everyday, I’m not as thrilled cause he’s a quick cummer. I try to boost my energy so we can try but I don’t get turned on by just seeing naked people. For him I just take off my clothes and he’s hard. I try to ask him to do a few simple things that turn me on like finding my hole without me telling him where to go. He doesn’t bother to look down. He just tries to guess and it always fails. Then I have to get on top and stick it in. I’m I selfish for wanting a little spice? I just want to feel like my man is pleasing me sexually without me explaining every time what to do.

A: It’s not rude to give your partners tips on how to please you; many people would welcome ideas and tips on how better to excite and please their partners.

It sounds like the style of your current partner — intercourse without a lot of touching or other sexual play — may not give you time to become as aroused and interested in sex as you’d like. Asking for some specific things that may help (touching, caressing, oral sex, sexual play, and so on) may help.

Some people may not be very secure about their sexual skills and may hear a tip or request as criticism of their current techniques and therefore may not react positively. A good way to soften this can be to start off every tip with a compliment about how they currently do things. For example: “I really like the way we have sex–it’s hot!–but I was thinking yesterday about how it could be even hotter if …”.

Good luck to both of you.

[ Cross posted from Yahoo! Answers, where this SFSI Answer was chosen best answer to this question. ]

A: Even if your penis is too thick to be comfortable for your partners at first, there are indeed things you can do to make sex more comfortable which are not gruesome at all. If you’re having vaginal sex and don’t mind spending some time on foreplay instead of just going straight to penis/vagina penetration, using your fingers to loosen her up before you put your penis in her will probably help a lot. The vagina is an incredibly flexible orifice–since it’s capable of delivering babies, it’s certainly capable of taking in a penis, even an unusually thick one. If you use several fingers (probably at least three, from the sound of it) inserted gradually and one at a time, her vagina should loosen up over time, menopause or no. More foreplay in general may also help you, since the vagina loosens up a bit and lubricates more the more aroused the person is. If you bring your partner to orgasm before penetration, your penis may be easier for her to take.

Lube may also help you, since lack of lubrication can make an otherwise manageable penis very difficult to take. Every drug store stocks KY Jelly, which is a good lubricant. Even if you think she probably lubricates enough on her own, try more lube and see what the effect is. Many people think they don’t need lube when they actually do.

Further, since your partner is post-menopausal, it’s important to know that frequent penetration can help the vagina retain elasticity even after menopause–so if you’re only having sex once a week and she doesn’t vaginally masturbate in the time between, that may be part of why penetration is uncomfortable for her.

A: Whether you are a male or female, the best thing you can do is to figure out what feels good to you. If you’re able to orgasm through masturbation, pay attention to what works for you both physically and mentally. It’s preferable that you feel comfortable with your sexual partner- comfortable enough that you can communicate this issue to him or her, not be worrying about it during sex, and be willing to try different things with time and without pressure to succeed right away.

[ Cross posted from Yahoo! Answers, where this SFSI Answer was chosen best answer to this question. ]

My problem: I can’t seem to have sex. There are both physical and psychological factors. Trying to have sex really hurts. Insertion is extremely painful. Before I started getting naked with my current boyfriend, I hadn’t inserted anything at all, ever. Over the course of my current relationship, I’ve been able to allow painless insertion of his finger (or mine), which is great… but I still have a pretty intense fear reaction if he reaches for my vaginal opening. Fingering is OK for me, as long as I know exactly when and where it’s going to happen, which is really annoying. Even when I do know, it’s still scary for me, even if I’m not experiencing any pain.

As for actual sex… I don’t know, the idea just scares me. And like I said, trying is really painful. I’ve tried SO hard to just “get over the pain” and go for it, but it’s seriously overwhelming and reinforces my fear response every single time I try. It’s the most frustrating thing in the entire world and it makes me feel totally sexually inferior and it just really, really sucks.

So you’re probably thinking that I’ve either experienced some sexual abuse, or I need to go to a doctor. Well, I haven’t been sexually abused, and I’m petrified of going to the doctor, because god knows what they’ll do. I can’t endure a pelvic exam, it simply hurts too much, and I realize that going to a doctor will likely involve a pelvic exam, and I simply can not do that right now. I’m looking for some alternative help.

And yes, I’ve looked into vaginismus. I’m not sure that it’s exactly what I’m dealing with here, but it well could be. If it is, I need a free and confidential way to deal with it because I’m an extremely broke college student, and while I have health insurance, it’s my parents’ plan, and they’re certainly not advocates of sex before marriage but I want to have sex, I’ve wanted to have sex for a while now, because I’m in love and in a healthy relationship and I really think I’m ready… I just can’t seem to do it!

Any advice or resources you can share?

Thanks so much in advance… and for reading all of this. I certainly don’t mean to sound so angry but this is a daily struggle that is really having an adverse affect on my life–and while my boyfriend is extremely supportive, and even encouraged me to write this e-mail, believe me… he’s not a fan of it either! HELP!

A: Thanks for writing with your question. It sounds like a frustrating experience!

The first thing we want to stress is that a visit to your doctor should not result in an automatic (and possibly painful) pelvic exam. Ideally, you would be able to see someone who will be able to deal with your issue appropriately, i.e. by listening to your concerns and proceeding in a way that will help you figure out the problem. As a patient, please do advocate for yourself! You have rights during a doctor’s visit: when something hurts, you can say “stop,” and you can also ask to see a different physician. This can be a hard thing for people to remember, but it’s important!

I doubt that information can get from your doctor’s office to your parents, unless you see a physician your parents know. Health insurance bills aren’t usually detailed. Plus, there are plenty of good and perfectly legitimate reasons for a young woman– sexually active or not– to be visiting a gynecologist. You mentioned that you’re a college student– is there a clinic at your college that you can visit? Can you bring a friend with you to keep you company and to help you remember to self-advocate?

It sounds like you’ve already contemplated quite a few of the possibilities, from the physical to the psychological. The fact that there’s been some “painless” insertion of fingers is a sign that vaginismus might not be what’s going on, although we cannot diagnose that from here!

There’s a long article on the excellent Scarleteen website called “From Ow to Wow! Demystifying Painful Intercourse“, and it mentions a few things that might be useful to you: first, especially, that “any kind of sex shouldn’t be about a lack of pain, but about the presence of pleasure.” Are you “warmed up” or aroused enough when you’re trying to have sex? I understand that the combination of fear of the pain can be a powerful counteracting factor. It’s possible, too, that his penis might be too large for you, or that you need more warm-up (with a finger or two) before trying the insertion of something larger. Points number 5 & 6 ask about sufficient lubrication and anatomy, and number 7 talks about the psychological factors, which I think might be especially important for you. You might want to consider their advice about seeking counseling (again, does your college have a counseling clinic? many of them do) in this case.

A: Some people may experience pain the first few times they have intercourse. It sounds like you and your partner are doing everything possible to make this a pleasurable experience. Open communication before, during and after sex is crucial to having a good time, finding out what both of you like, and even making improvements. It helps to be relaxed, and you may want to try using a water-based lubricant to aid your own natural lubrication. This may seem unnecessary, but it often makes a huge difference for many people. One thing you may want to try is warming up with fingers or a smaller sex toy. Going from nothing to penis may be a big jump and it might be helpful to start off with something smaller. You also may want to try different positions to see what works best for you- people are different, and not every position is comfortable for everyone. If you try these things and continue to experience pain every time, you may want to see a doctor. Hope this helps.

A: Difficulty achieving penetration is not unusual when you’re trying sex for the first time. It is possible that your vagina is too tight for him to get inside, but that’s not very likely. It’s far more likely that the two of you just haven’t yet found a position that works for you. Other possibilities are that you have an intact hymen that is getting in the way, or that his penis isn’t getting hard enough to penetrate you.

Have you tried exploring your vagina yourself? The better that you understand your own body, the better that you can guide your boyfriend. The first thing to do would be to penetrate yourself with your fingers and get an understanding of your vagina’s position and angle. Pick a time when you’re comfortable and relaxed, and have some lube handy. We recommend using a water-based lube. Then when you and your boyfriend are ready to try having sex again, use your hands to guide his penis into the right spot and angle.

As for being too small: if you can fit two fingers into your vagina, you are not too small. If two fingers won’t fit, start with one. As you get used to the feeling, you’ll likely be able to work your way up. Your vagina is a muscle, and a strong one. If it’s clamped down tightly it can be very difficult to penetrate, but as you increase your awareness of it you can learn to let that muscle relax.

Also, you mention that your boyfriend had a hard time having an orgasm. Does he get erect and stay erect? Penetration is hard to achieve when the penis is not fully erect. If that’s the case, feel free to write us again and we can give some suggestions for maintaining an erection. As you gain confidence with your experiences you can try things such as masturbating him to orgasm, or doing oral sex.

Finally, if when you explore your vagina you find a flap of skin that’s partially or completely obstructing the entrance, that’s your hymen. Women’s hymens are all different, with some being very thin or barely there at all and a few being thick and nearly covering the vagina. If you do find your hymen intact and in the way, then it is going to have to tear before you can have sex. Hymens sometimes hurt a little when they tear, but sometimes not. Probably the easiest way to tear your hymen would be to use your own fingers. Put one or two fingers into your vagina and gradually increase pressure on the hymen until it gives way.

Lastly, if none of this works for you we suggest you see a gynecologist. They will be able to diagnose any problems and suggest a treatment.

Last week I had unprotected sex, one week before my period (I should get it this week) If there is a chance I may become pregnant, would I still get my period and still may be pregnant, even though I’m on birth control?

A: The good news is that there is nothing wrong with you. Different women like different sorts of stimulation.

Make sure that you’re properly turned on before trying penetration. Your body probably won’t respond to penetration if you don’t work up to it first–kissing, groping, finger play, oral sex (giving and receiving). Some people like to use additional lubrication (that can be purchased at the drug store). This will reduce friction and, perhaps, enhance penetration for you.

Many women do find penetration with fingers or a penis to be pleasurable. However, most women need additional stimulation of the clitoris in order for sex to feel good to them. If intercourse and penetration aren’t satisfying you, try using fingers (your own or your partner’s) to stimulate your clitoris. Oral sex can also feel great on a clitoris. If you’re interested in experimenting a bit, consider using a vibrator.

The most important thing you can do to improve the sex you’re having, though, is to communicate with your partner. Talk about what does and doesn’t feel good to you. And if you’re not enjoying what you’re doing, remember that you can always stop!

As for your questions regarding pregnancy, as long as you’re correctly using your birth control, the chances of pregnancy occurring are very small. If unprotected sex causes you to feel anxious about pregnancy, it’s probably best to use a condom every time you have sex. This will also better protect you against STDs. Please check out our pages with pregnancy information.

When I was much younger, around 8, a friend and I…played with each other, orally. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or not, making my nerves supersensitive. This habit of mine however seriously impairs my ability to have a relationship. I have never been able to make a girl come from intercourse. I don’t see how I can have a healthy sexual relationship when I come so quickly. Sometimes I can go 3 or 4 times in a row, but by then it has lost most of its luster, and regardless, this only really happens after I get to know the girl. Do you have any suggestions? I feel like this is both a physical and psychological problem.

A: Our frequent questions page has good information on some techniques to try. One easy technique is to masturbate before you see your partner so the pressure is off. It also recommends a book with more thorough information and advice.

Regarding the second half of your question, most children play sex games, it is quite normal to have had some experience of that kind. It would not affect you physically, but anxiety about it (or about anything) could affect your ability to maintain an erection or to keep from coming.

And regarding making a girl come from intercourse, many women do not orgasm from intercourse at all, but only from clitoral stimulation. If you are concerned about making your partner come there are many other ways to do so – for example try oral sex or stimulating her with your hand or a toy. The best thing to do is ask your partner what she likes and try other things besides intercourse. This may end up taking the pressure off you and relieve some of your concern about being a good sexual partner.

A: It is entirely possible (and relatively common) for “doggy style” intercourse to be painful for a woman, due to the fact that it allows for a deeper penetration into her vagina than other sexual positions.

If your partner is willing to experiment, here are a few things that the two of you can try to make the position less painful for her:

*Try not to penetrate her all the way. If it’s the depth of your penis in her vagina that is hurting her, you can keep your hand around the base of your penis during intercourse so that it doesn’t go in as deep.
* Use lubricant if you are not doing so already. This will ease some of the friction that the position creates.
*Start slowly, so that the sex is not jarring to her (fast speeds can be painful and unsatisfying for many women), and communicate with her throughout the sex about what feels good to her and what does not.