So here’s where I took a leap. I told FriendX about this sexual attraction she has for him. He was pretty shocked, but was cool with the situation. We talked about whether a relationship could just be sex, and how she and I are happy as a couple. We broached the subject of setting something up in the near future, something along the lines of a surprise for my wife. Next weekend is her birthday. I was thinking about greeting her at the door with him next Friday night. Maybe telling her that he knows everything, etc and we should live out her fantasy. What do you think about this? Should I do this? Any suggestions about how to do this? What should I do if they start screwing around–its not like husbands hang out while their wives are having sex with their friend? And lastly is this/me/her normal???

A: First off, we really wouldn’t recommend springing this on your wife as a surprise. That might work out well, but it might also be extremely awkward. The two of you have talked about her attraction to FriendX as a fantasy, but very often there are differences between what people enjoy fantasizing about and what they actually want to do in real life. Also, fantasies tend to leave out a lot of the dull but important details. What kind of activities are okay and what’s out of bounds? What kind of protection will everyone be using against STDs or pregnancy? Who will be playing with who? If either of you gets uncomfortable or just isn’t having fun, do you have the right to call a stop and ask him to leave, even if the other partner is still into it? Will it be a one-time thing or ongoing? If it’s going to be ongoing, will it always be all three of you together, or would it be okay for her to have sex with him without you? Is this just about FriendX, or are you interested in opening your marriage in other ways–like you having other partners as well?

It would be useful to have a serious, explicit conversation with your wife to answer questions like these with the clear understanding that you’re talking about actually doing it–not just talking dirty while the two of you have sex.

That would be the best way to get your question about how you’re going to participate answered as well. There’s no right or wrong answer. Some husbands do hang out, or hang out and masturbate, while their wives have sex with other men. Some couples have threesomes where everyone participates. Some couples have open relationships where one partner might have sex with a third party while the other partner just goes and does something else. What’s important is that the arrangement be agreeable to everyone involved.

And as for your last question, there is a substantial minority of married couples who include some kind of consensual extramarital sex in their relationship. The Janus Report, which was a survey of sexual behavior done in the early nineties, concluded that around 10% of people in their first marriages had had threesomes. And as I talked about above, a threesome is only one style of extramarital sex. So maybe that number is under-counting. The exact percentage probably isn’t important: the point is that you’d be far from the only couple to have included a third party in your sex life.

A: Condoms can greatly reduce the chance of transmission, but HPV can occur on skin surfaces in the genital regions not covered by a condom. Of the more than 100 types of HPV about 30 are sexually transmitted and only two are linked to cervical cancer.

An estimated 5.5 million new HPV infections occur each year in the US, accounting for about a third of all STD transmission. It’s a very communicable STD.

Recent studies show that about 70% of infected females will clear the infection in 12 months and 90% will clear within 2 years. The incubation period for the virus is 2 to 3 months. Many or most men may carry the virus and never present with symptoms.

With all that said – telling your other sexual partners is a good idea, if for nothing else to make sure the females in the group have their regular pap smears. The cervical cancer associated with HPV is very slow to develop and regular pap smears can lead to successful early intervention. How far back to go? Theoretically in a perfectly safe world, up to two years. Practically, probably less time. One thing we do find is that it’s quite common for men and women who practice swinging or open sexual relationships to go for regular check up or STD testing.

The good news is that there is not as much of a stigma attached to this virus because it’s quite common. It’s quite likely 25 million or more folks in the US currently have HPV.

Here is a great resource with info on HPV – hpvinfo.com. We use the site’s information while we work here at SFSI.

A: The reason why single male swingers are given the boot is because many men are inappropriate when addressing either a couple or mostly women. In order to keep the “creep” factor out of the swingers scene, hosts often deny access to men not accompanied by a female partner. If you are someone who is very responsible and can adhere to the rules of swinger parties, it might work if you put an ad like Craigslist and look for a woman or couple who would be willing to have you join them for the evening. It helps to have folks vouch for your good nature and well-behaved manners, and perhaps then if you become a regular, the host might allow you to attend parties so long as you don’t do anything inappropriate.

But both me and my girlfriend like the idea of a threesome and she wants to have this experience. So we decided that the best way was for her to do it with another girl while I just watch. We think it is best that the other girl is not someone we know or are likely to see around ever again, as that will make it weird and may cause problems.

But we have no idea where or how to find someone like this who will be willing to have sex with my girlfriend while I watch, who will disappear afterwards and be completely no strings attached, and who is also completely safe and clean. We are going on a road-trip around California soon, and think that may be the perfect chance.

Do you have any tips?

A: Many people fantasize about having a threesome and do seek out a third partner to join them for sex. Some people seek out anonymous or one-time encounters and some people seek out a partner that may join them again.

Web sites such as Craigslist have classifieds-style posts from and for folks looking for NSA (no strings attached) sex, or “casual encounters.” You may wish to look through those ads or to post one of your own. If you post an ad, be specific about what you are looking for and you may receive responses from like-minded people.

Whether you post an ad or respond to someone else’s ad, it’s a good idea to get a phone number and speak to that person before meeting. Just asking for a phone number tends to stop the “lurkers” who are not sincere in their response. You may also wish to meet a new person in person at a public place such as a coffee shop before going back to your home for sex. Communicate about what your expectations are and ask about any STD concerns.

Another avenue to explore would be “swinger” organizations that cater to couples and singles looking for multi-partner experiences. There are many swinger organizations listed online, maybe even one in your area.