Thanks!

(she is ridiculously hot though)

Also, if I do take her up on her offer, and we start hanging out more, how do I talk to her brother about it, without making him want to hit me?

PS. Thinking about this doesn’t make me an asshat of a friend and a pervert right?

A: You are definitely not a pervert because you are attracted to your friend’s sister. Most boys your age are attracted to one or some of the girls in their lives, and this is completely normal.

First of all, just because your friend’s sister asked you to “hang out”, it does not necessarily mean that things need to get physical between you two. You might want to talk to her to see exactly what she wants (dating, relationship, something physical, etc) before you decide to do anything.

Secondly, 3 or 4 years can be a pretty big difference, especially next year when you turn 18, when there could be legal concerns depending on how her parents feel about your relationship. We have read that in your state, the legal age of consent is currently 14 with parental consent and 16 without it. We are not lawyers, however, and these laws do change. Things could turn out ok, however. It depends a lot on both you and this girl, how mature you both are, and how both of your families feel about things.

You mentioned that you are afraid of your friend, this girl’s brother. You may want to try talking to him about how you feel and about what his sister has said, and see how he reacts to that. From there, you can gauge whether or not it is worth pursuing things with the sister.

A: Everybody is different, and it is hard to tell what this particular boy will think, if he even noticed it all. However, this should definitely not discourage you from talking to him or being his friend. Many boys are super impressed with girls who know what they like and are comfortable with seeking it out. It can make things a lot easier for both you and the guy you are with if you already have an idea of what you like. You are definitely entitled to your own sexual preferences, idea, and thoughts, and it is always a good thing to be open and assertive about them. If you find pressure from somebody about what you like, it does not at all mean that you are doing the wrong thing.

Even though this might feel quite embarrassing now, it should not have to impact how you interact with him.

Maybe I have it all wrong. Maybe I am on the right track. I would like your suggestions on how to deal with this subject in this day and age. My instinct is to put a couple of Tantric books around for him to find. Something that shows the integrity and beauty of sex.

I could really use some wisdom that will not preach some odd morals that want to convince my 14 year-old that he should be sexually numb until he reaches 21.

P.S. Also a concern of mine – how much can a mother talk to her son about sex before it gets weird?

A: Most teenage boys are masturbating as often as your son, and yes, all is normal. The fact that he’s looking at Internet porn is also very common, as it is easy to get and free. Many teens and people of all ages watch porn to masturbate, and there is no evidence of a negative effect. Porn plays into the fantasy realm of sexuality, and talking to your son about the realistic (or as you said, healthy) kinds of sex is a good way to communicate that sex in real life often does not replicate porn. Planting Kama Sutra books in places he may find is a great idea, as it might show him a more spiritual variation of sexuality, however, it might not replace his Internet porn use.

You may want to have one more conversation about masturbation with him to let him know the activity is ok and the fantasies are just that. Letting him know that porn is not the standard of how most people engage in sex might calm your fears that porn is going to be harmful to him. If the fear is that he will eventually treat women the way that porn stars are treated you can let him know that nearly everything in porn is planned out and much of it is fake. More conversations than that may become awkward. Do let him know you are available if he has questions. Also, point him at the Scarleteen website for sex information. It’s a good site for teens.

Questions:
1. Are body altering hormone treatments recommended at such a young age?
2. What would be the effects of testosterone shots?

Both sister and niece seems to feel this is a way to have her “fit in” better socially, but I disagree and am very concerned.

A: There is something known as the “Harry Benjamin Standards of Care” for people who wish to undergo sex reassignment. You can read more about them on the University of Minnesota site Under the Standards of Care, the treatment of adolescents is usually not done until age 18. This is because by this age, most adolescents are done with puberty and the hormone treatments will interfere less with their development. It does mention some cases in which hormones may be started earlier, usually at age 16. You can read in this document about the criteria doctors use when deciding whether a particular person is a good candidate to begin hormone therapy before age 18.

Shots given in this instance would have a few different effects: the first sets of hormones given suppress the menstrual cycle, then after some time taking these hormones, testosterone shots would be given. These shots have effects very similar to male puberty: deepening of the voice, growth of facial and body hair, increase in muscle mass, and development of other masculine characteristics.

We hear you are concerned about your niece; you may want to ask her as well as her doctor about the Standards of Care and how they are following them. You may also want to look at some resources about transgender issues. We would recommend Trans-health and TransGenderCare.

A: The age difference and teacher-student relationship are both concerning. The situation you are in is a really huge land mine. You could get into trouble and he could get fired or even sent to jail if he starts a physical relationship with you. The age difference issue varies from state to state but in all of them a 15 year old is considered too young to have sex with an adult. You can see the details on age of consent laws across the United States at Cool Nurse. The question of teacher-student relationships continues even in college and beyond. It’s considered an abuse of the teacher’s power to take advantage of the student that way, even if there is mutual attraction. Often the student is actually the one in a position of power by being able to threaten the teacher’s job.

That’s the information we have for you but it probably isn’t very comforting. Your feelings are very strong and new. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s great to communicate and connect with someone, and to have feelings for them. But be aware that acting on those feelings now could ruin his career or marriage, and possibly send him to prison. It could also have a severe impact on your reputation at school and your family.

That deep love and attraction for your teacher may seem overwhelming now, but it’s extremely likely that they will mellow or fade as you meet other folks along the way. Perspectives change as you get older and meet/date/go out with different people in your future life. If something like this was “meant” to be, then it is something that could happen in 4-5 years when you approach your twenties and it is above board for everyone. In the meantime we recommend you check out ScarletTeen, a good sexuality site for teens.