Eventually I might share all this with my wife/girlfriend but there in lies the problem. I am a good looking guy and I get a fair amount of attention from women, and I really want to take advantage of it. I want to be able to frivolously have sex with a woman without having to do her in the ass, have her do me in the ass, or have me dressed as a woman. I want to be able to turn myself on more by traditional penis in vagina sex. I fear this is going to impede my hunt for finding the right girl for me as I have to have this giant disclaimer first. I am seriously fine with having these desires stored in me and will use them when I feel comfortable with bringing them out, but what I want most is to be able to just date and have sex with regular women and still feel satisfied. Any help would be great.

A: Here are a few suggestions:

- Find some penis-vagina porn that turns you on and excites you. If you do this, you could save this in your memory bank to use for masturbation or while having sex and it can be exciting rather than just that thing that doesn’t turn you on.

- Do not masturbate a few days prior to having sex. This can help you maintain an erection for a longer period of time. Using a cock-ring could work too since it restricts blood flow to the penis and keeps the erection harder longer. We recommend one made of rubber, velcro or one that snaps so that it is easy to remove if you need to.

- Try using a different method for penis-vagina sex by giving a hand-job, blow-job or using a sex toy.

- Find like-minded people on websites, like alt.com or okcupid.com, who are interested in anal sex, even anal and transsexual porn.

Sometimes sex is just about having sex. It doesn’t necessarily mean having perfect sex all the time. Every sexual experience does not need to be a perfect 10. If you walk into a potential sexual experience knowing that it can be good, but not necessarily great, it might help you to feel more comfortable and aroused by the activities that you do end up having. You can definitely be OK and satisfied with having “regular” sex, but it is something that might not ever be equally enjoyable to you as some of the other activities you engage in.

Some women are into anal sex too. Other women may not be into penis-vagina sex at all. There are all sorts of potential partners out there!

Questions:
1. Are body altering hormone treatments recommended at such a young age?
2. What would be the effects of testosterone shots?

Both sister and niece seems to feel this is a way to have her “fit in” better socially, but I disagree and am very concerned.

A: There is something known as the “Harry Benjamin Standards of Care” for people who wish to undergo sex reassignment. You can read more about them on the University of Minnesota site Under the Standards of Care, the treatment of adolescents is usually not done until age 18. This is because by this age, most adolescents are done with puberty and the hormone treatments will interfere less with their development. It does mention some cases in which hormones may be started earlier, usually at age 16. You can read in this document about the criteria doctors use when deciding whether a particular person is a good candidate to begin hormone therapy before age 18.

Shots given in this instance would have a few different effects: the first sets of hormones given suppress the menstrual cycle, then after some time taking these hormones, testosterone shots would be given. These shots have effects very similar to male puberty: deepening of the voice, growth of facial and body hair, increase in muscle mass, and development of other masculine characteristics.

We hear you are concerned about your niece; you may want to ask her as well as her doctor about the Standards of Care and how they are following them. You may also want to look at some resources about transgender issues. We would recommend Trans-health and TransGenderCare.

I also need a reliable and detailed source of medical info, about the process and what’s involved. I really love this person, and want to be the best support person I can be. We’ve been talking about the possibility of having a child before its too late. How does estrogen effect sperm? does it lower sperm counts, and more importantly, can getting pregnant while the male partner is taking hormones cause birth defects? What’s the legal gender status of someone who doesn’t fully transition? I mean, say they live full time as a woman, get implants and feminizing surgery, but don’t get the naughty bits removed. If we were to marry while she’s still male, would the marriage still be binding after a full transition?

Are there therapists that specialize in this sort of thing? Any that work for cheap? Can you send me a bunch of referrals? I can get pretty much anywhere in the Bay Area for meetings. Thanks.

A: In the San Francisco Bay Area, there are many groups for transpeople and their loved ones. There is a good list at TransGender San Francisco.

The legal and medical questions would be best directed to professionals in those fields. One good resource for transgender legal support is the Transgender Law and Policy Institute. This site may help you to find the information you are looking for, particularly in their resources section. We found a resource at TSRoadmap which outlines the process of transition, including some of the medical and legal issues. Once again, the legal and medical questions can be answered in even more depth by talking to a lawyer or a doctor who specializes in serving the trans community.

Taking estrogen will produce a very rapid drop in sperm production, so it is recommended that your partner banks some sperm with a local sperm bank before starting to take hormones.

To find a therapist who specializes in these issues, you can go to AASECT or to SFBACCT. Both of these resources list therapists who can help you. New Leaf Services specializes in therapy and support services for the LGBT community. All of these resources will feature therapists who are willing to work on a sliding scale.