We’ve discussed restraints in the past, just kind of flirting with naughtiness, and I mentioned a few things like using a strap-on and tying him up and he seems very VERY interested. I am not an experienced Domme, and while I don’t always think along those lines, I am a pretty kinky gal, and it would give me a great deal of pleasure to do damned near anything to please this man.

I am concerned that restraining and flogging him or blindfolding him may remind him of horrors he has really faced. He tells me he wants these kinds of things and he’s strong as an ox, but I am concerned about his psyche. Are there articles I can read about topping a combat vet?

Life begins at 50! I just don’t want a new chapter to slam on my Sweetheart.

A: We’ve looked, but we can’t find any resources specifically about topping a combat vet. However we do have some ideas.

First, there is a significant chance that topping him will not trigger him. It’s still probably worth planning for, but you may never actually have to deal with it. Before doing anything that you’re afraid might be triggering, you and your partner may want to create a trigger plan. The best resource we’ve found about how to do this is geared towards adult woman survivors of childhood sexual abuse (The Survivor’s Guide to Sex, by Staci Haines) but we think some of it can be applied to your situation. The basic idea is to develop a plan with your partner of what both of you are going to do in the event of a trigger. How might he behave? How will you recognize it? What can you do to help him? How can you take care of yourself? What can he do in the moment to bring himself back to the present? This will likely be a longish conversation, and you may never need it, but if you do you’ll be glad to know what to do. Has he ever been triggered by anything before? How does he behave? If there’s any chance he’ll get violent, that’s definitely something you’ll need to address, whether by tying him up extra well or arranging another outlet for him or both. Also, since you can’t foresee everything, an important part of any trigger pan is how you’ll communicate in the moment. Will he be verbal? Will he be gagged? Will that be a problem for him? What will he need from you?

Another resource we can recommend is The Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. It’s geared towards the BDSM community, not specifically veterans, but it has a lot of great information about topping.

The other big piece of advice we have is don’t skip the aftercare. Aftercare is great to have as part of any BDSM experience, but it’s essential if you’re at all concerned about your bottom’s psyche. A good snuggly check in immediately afterwards and some explicit debriefing within a day or two will do several things. First, it will help make sure his experience is a positive one. It will also keep you informed as to how things are going for him, so you’ll have all the information you need to be the best top possible.