A: Many women use vegetables like cucumbers as dildos. If you are going to use any kind of a food item for insertion, it is best to cover it with a condom. Getting pieces of food in the vagina could lead to infection. Hair brush handles are also commonly used as an improvised dildo, but they may not be comfortable if they are extremely rigid and non-flexible. Avoid using any object that is fragile or has sharp edges. We recommend placing a condom on any object you are going to use for insertion, because if an item is not designed to be a sex toy, it is probably not designed to be easily sterilized.

Any item used for anal penetration needs to have a flared base to keep it in place. It’s not really possible to “lose” things in the vagina, but toys inserted in the anus could migrate further than intended if they don’t have flared bases.

Vibrators are readily available at many drugstore chains across the US. They are often sold as “massagers” for sore muscles. You could also use an electric toothbrush as a vibrator externally to stimulate the clitoris. Another option for clitoral stimulation is to use the water flow from a shower head or faucet. This is a very popular female masturbation method.

My problem: I can’t seem to have sex. There are both physical and psychological factors. Trying to have sex really hurts. Insertion is extremely painful. Before I started getting naked with my current boyfriend, I hadn’t inserted anything at all, ever. Over the course of my current relationship, I’ve been able to allow painless insertion of his finger (or mine), which is great… but I still have a pretty intense fear reaction if he reaches for my vaginal opening. Fingering is OK for me, as long as I know exactly when and where it’s going to happen, which is really annoying. Even when I do know, it’s still scary for me, even if I’m not experiencing any pain.

As for actual sex… I don’t know, the idea just scares me. And like I said, trying is really painful. I’ve tried SO hard to just “get over the pain” and go for it, but it’s seriously overwhelming and reinforces my fear response every single time I try. It’s the most frustrating thing in the entire world and it makes me feel totally sexually inferior and it just really, really sucks.

So you’re probably thinking that I’ve either experienced some sexual abuse, or I need to go to a doctor. Well, I haven’t been sexually abused, and I’m petrified of going to the doctor, because god knows what they’ll do. I can’t endure a pelvic exam, it simply hurts too much, and I realize that going to a doctor will likely involve a pelvic exam, and I simply can not do that right now. I’m looking for some alternative help.

And yes, I’ve looked into vaginismus. I’m not sure that it’s exactly what I’m dealing with here, but it well could be. If it is, I need a free and confidential way to deal with it because I’m an extremely broke college student, and while I have health insurance, it’s my parents’ plan, and they’re certainly not advocates of sex before marriage but I want to have sex, I’ve wanted to have sex for a while now, because I’m in love and in a healthy relationship and I really think I’m ready… I just can’t seem to do it!

Any advice or resources you can share?

Thanks so much in advance… and for reading all of this. I certainly don’t mean to sound so angry but this is a daily struggle that is really having an adverse affect on my life–and while my boyfriend is extremely supportive, and even encouraged me to write this e-mail, believe me… he’s not a fan of it either! HELP!

A: Thanks for writing with your question. It sounds like a frustrating experience!

The first thing we want to stress is that a visit to your doctor should not result in an automatic (and possibly painful) pelvic exam. Ideally, you would be able to see someone who will be able to deal with your issue appropriately, i.e. by listening to your concerns and proceeding in a way that will help you figure out the problem. As a patient, please do advocate for yourself! You have rights during a doctor’s visit: when something hurts, you can say “stop,” and you can also ask to see a different physician. This can be a hard thing for people to remember, but it’s important!

I doubt that information can get from your doctor’s office to your parents, unless you see a physician your parents know. Health insurance bills aren’t usually detailed. Plus, there are plenty of good and perfectly legitimate reasons for a young woman– sexually active or not– to be visiting a gynecologist. You mentioned that you’re a college student– is there a clinic at your college that you can visit? Can you bring a friend with you to keep you company and to help you remember to self-advocate?

It sounds like you’ve already contemplated quite a few of the possibilities, from the physical to the psychological. The fact that there’s been some “painless” insertion of fingers is a sign that vaginismus might not be what’s going on, although we cannot diagnose that from here!

There’s a long article on the excellent Scarleteen website called “From Ow to Wow! Demystifying Painful Intercourse“, and it mentions a few things that might be useful to you: first, especially, that “any kind of sex shouldn’t be about a lack of pain, but about the presence of pleasure.” Are you “warmed up” or aroused enough when you’re trying to have sex? I understand that the combination of fear of the pain can be a powerful counteracting factor. It’s possible, too, that his penis might be too large for you, or that you need more warm-up (with a finger or two) before trying the insertion of something larger. Points number 5 & 6 ask about sufficient lubrication and anatomy, and number 7 talks about the psychological factors, which I think might be especially important for you. You might want to consider their advice about seeking counseling (again, does your college have a counseling clinic? many of them do) in this case.

A: You said that you have tried masturbating, which is a really good way to find out what feels good and what doesn’t. What kind of techniques are you using? Have you tried using lubrication? A lot of people find clitoral stimulation can be really pleasing, directly or indirectly (touching or rubbing it with your hand and some lube, rubbing that general area with a soft object, or using a vibrator or shower massager). Many people especially find it easy to climax using a vibrator. You could also try a back massager, which can be found at any pharmacy or drugstore.

It can be helpful to experiment on your own to see what you may like, and then later try it out with a partner. Make sure that you talk to your partner before and during sex, and don’t be afraid to tell them if something feels good or bad. Also, be sure to go slowly and use enough lube. Lubrication can make a huge difference in how pleasurable sex may feel.

Keep in mind that not everyone enjoys oral sex, and people’s tastes and preferences definitely vary. It doesn’t hurt to try, but don’t get discouraged if you’re not loving the sensations.

Lastly, it’s probably a good idea to go to your doctor for an annual exam. They can make sure that everything is working just fine, and answer any other questions you may have.

A: Difficulty achieving penetration is not unusual when you’re trying sex for the first time. It is possible that your vagina is too tight for him to get inside, but that’s not very likely. It’s far more likely that the two of you just haven’t yet found a position that works for you. Other possibilities are that you have an intact hymen that is getting in the way, or that his penis isn’t getting hard enough to penetrate you.

Have you tried exploring your vagina yourself? The better that you understand your own body, the better that you can guide your boyfriend. The first thing to do would be to penetrate yourself with your fingers and get an understanding of your vagina’s position and angle. Pick a time when you’re comfortable and relaxed, and have some lube handy. We recommend using a water-based lube. Then when you and your boyfriend are ready to try having sex again, use your hands to guide his penis into the right spot and angle.

As for being too small: if you can fit two fingers into your vagina, you are not too small. If two fingers won’t fit, start with one. As you get used to the feeling, you’ll likely be able to work your way up. Your vagina is a muscle, and a strong one. If it’s clamped down tightly it can be very difficult to penetrate, but as you increase your awareness of it you can learn to let that muscle relax.

Also, you mention that your boyfriend had a hard time having an orgasm. Does he get erect and stay erect? Penetration is hard to achieve when the penis is not fully erect. If that’s the case, feel free to write us again and we can give some suggestions for maintaining an erection. As you gain confidence with your experiences you can try things such as masturbating him to orgasm, or doing oral sex.

Finally, if when you explore your vagina you find a flap of skin that’s partially or completely obstructing the entrance, that’s your hymen. Women’s hymens are all different, with some being very thin or barely there at all and a few being thick and nearly covering the vagina. If you do find your hymen intact and in the way, then it is going to have to tear before you can have sex. Hymens sometimes hurt a little when they tear, but sometimes not. Probably the easiest way to tear your hymen would be to use your own fingers. Put one or two fingers into your vagina and gradually increase pressure on the hymen until it gives way.

Lastly, if none of this works for you we suggest you see a gynecologist. They will be able to diagnose any problems and suggest a treatment.

A: Many doctors and health organizations now agree that there is no reason for douching unless your doctor specifically recommends it. Douching can disturb the normal pH (acidity) and the balance of “good” bacteria in a healthy vagina, leading to infections of unhealthy bacteria (known as bacterial vaginosis). There may be an association between douching and pelvic inflammatory disease because douching could push bacteria from the vagina up into the uterus.

It is not necessary to douche to clean the vagina. A healthy vagina will naturally clean itself. You can rinse your vulva with water in the shower or bath. You should only use very mild soap, if you decide to use soap at all.

Some women douche to change the smell of their genitals. A healthy woman’s genitals do have a smell, but it should not be unpleasant. If a woman notices a strong odor (sometimes fishy) or unusual discharge, it is likely that she has an infection that will need to be diagnosed and treated by a doctor. Douching might temporarily cover up the symptoms, but it will not do anything to treat the infection. It might even make it worse.

1. I have been told (by a physician’s assistant, when I told her I know I have a clitoris but have never seen it) that I have something called an “embedded clitoris.” What exactly is that?

2. I recently purchased a vibrator/dildo. I picked one of the smaller ones, because I know I’m rather tight, and it’s been quite some time since anything live or inanimate has been in there. Even so – and although I’m relaxed, aroused, and lubed – I can’t get the damn thing in. There appears to be a tight band of tissue just at the entrance (on the hind side rather than the front side) that I believe is what is cut during an episiotomy during childbirth. (I’m not a virgin, so it’s not a hymen, which is further in, anyway.) Do you folks have any advice? I vaguely remember something about pregnant women being advised to massage the – perineum? – before childbirth because it would help it to stretch so that an episiotomy would be unnecessary. I wonder if this would work … and if so, how much of it needs to be done before it starts to stretch a little. Any advice would be appreciated.

A: An “embedded clitoris” is one that is deeper inside the body than the average clitoris. This can mean that your clitoral hood – the little flap of skin that covers up the sensitive head of the clitoris – is a little bigger, and that the tip of your clitoris is not as prominent as in other women. Some women who have this may have a more difficult time reaching orgasm from clitoral stimulation. When searching for this term online, most of the information we were able to find was about female circumcision, which is a pretty drastic measure to expose more of the clitoris itself. We have found one trustworthy resource that discusses one woman’s embedded clitoris at Betty Dodson’s website. She discusses how she has to stimulate herself so that her clitoris is more accessible.

You mentioned perineum massage, which may help you to be able to insert the dildo you bought. Massage would probably be the best first step to help you get the toy inside. If this is unsuccessful, there are some dilators available on the market as well for women who have difficulty inserting objects into their vaginas. See vaginismus.com for more info. These are basically just dildos of varying sizes, so you can achieve the same results by just starting with very small toys and gradually inserting them. If you cannot insert anything – not a finger, a toy, or a tampon – you may also want to talk to your health care provider about the tight band of tissue. There may be surgical or medical treatments that can help this problem.

Anyway, I haven’t been in a relationship since my surgery, and I’ve been too embarrassed to ask my doctor about what to expect with sex after this surgery. If I do start dating someone, I think I’m going to be too worried about this issue to ever take it to a more intimate level.

Questions like,
Will it feel the same?
Is my vagina the same size?
What if he’s a large man?
Will it hurt?
What about natural lubrication?

I’m really embarrassed about asking these questions, but until I feel more comfortable about this, I’m afraid I won’t ever have an intimate relationship again.

A: Congrats on beating your cancer. We’re happy to hear that it won’t come back to bother you.

As for your questions, let us answer them in the order you’ve sent them.

Sex will be just fine for you. Your vagina is still the same size. There is no difference whether a man is large or small, and you will not hurt having sex. For some women, lubrication is a problem after surgery. What you can use is water based lubes like Astroglide for easier insertion. Don’t also be afraid to get intimate again. It isn’t going to hurt. To warm up to having sex with a partner again you might try sex with a small dildo (lubricated, while you are aroused) and see how that feels. If it does hurt while having sex, then check with your doctor but otherwise, sex will still be exciting.

Don’t ever be afraid to talk to your doctor about sex. A doctor can help with any physical or hormonal issues you may have since the surgery. They are supposed to be there for you. If your doctor isn’t quite what you want, you can always interview for doctors who will be concerned about your health.

A: The best technique is the one that works for your partner the best. Asking your partner what she likes best can be a great way to find this out! Another idea is to experiment and ask for feedback from your partner in the moment about how it feels.

The location of the stimulation can matter as much or more than the number of fingers used. You might want to pay some attention to the clitoris as well as the vaginal opening, or even experiment with finding the G-spot. Some women appreciate extra lubrication, and it’s always a good idea to have some K-Y Jelly or any good water-based lube on hand.

Here is a short Wikipedia entry on female masturbation, you might find it a useful starting point. There are also many books and videos available on female masturbation. One of the most popular is She Comes First: The… Guide to Pleasuring a Woman.

A: Yes, going from anal penetration to vaginal penetration without washing in between can cause problems. What you describe is most probably a bacterial infection and easily taken care of with antibiotics. Just go to your doctor or any health clinic and let them know what happened. What happened is quite normal (plenty of folks make this mistake sometime) and not serious unless left untreated.

You can move from the vagina to the anus without problem, but the other way has the potential to cause problems. We all have certain bacteria in our rectum that live just fine in that environment, but when introduced in the vagina they get out of control and cause an infection.

In terms of anal sex, there are a number of things you can do to successfully have painless, erotic, fulfilling and great anal sex. If you would like to know more about that, please feel free to email us back and we can give you some advice and even other resources (books, web sites, etc).

A: The short answer is, there’s nothing wrong with your vagina’s lips. “Big and baggy and super hot” is just as accurate and “big and baggy and really unattractive.” In this case, attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. As the beholder, it’s probably easier for you to get excited about how your vagina already looks than it is for you to change it. And the “him” you’re referring to is likely to take your cues as to how great your vagina is – if you think it’s great, he’s likely to agree. We know this whole love-your-vagina thing is easier said than done, but you’re far from the first person with this feeling and you can definitely get through it.

Just so you don’t have to take our word for it, we found some people who’ve put some work into the appearance of the vulva. Here’s what we found:

The Second International Labia Blogathon – thousands of words from many many women about labia. Start at the bottom if you want to read chronologically. It should at least give you some insight into other peoples’ perspectives on labia and the vulva in general.

Femalia by Joani Blank – this is a book of photographs of vulvae and labia. One per page, each a different woman. It can give you a good idea of the variety of vulvae that exist.